My heart is heavy tonight... I just said goodbye to my brother for who knows how long. And each time I see him, I have just that much more fun and I get that much closer to him. And every time it gets harder and harder to say good bye. Even though he's sleeping the room above me for one more night, it feels like he's already miles away from me... and my heart aches.

The kids surprised my parents today. We took them out to dinner at the Thomas Edison Inn in Port Huron. All six of us in a beautiful dining room, all dressed up, watching the night lights of Canada across the river and frieghters pass on their slow transit. It was a surprise where we were going and my parents were elated we were going the distance to get to their favorite restaurant. And it was all decked out in Christmas lights. Simply breathtaking. After dinner Kathie and I played duets on the piano next to the large tree in the lobby and my brothers sat in front of the fire and listened to us. I looked up a moment and saw a tear fall down my mother's cheek and my father reached over for her hand. It must be really hard to watch your kids grow up, I thought to myself. It also must be indescibable. It was a teardrop of pride, happiness, unconditional love.... and letting go. We were all grown up. And she and dad did a great job.

A couple shout outs...
Alisha misses smiling and laughing. Can't wait to get back to school so I can make her do both a whole lot more often.

Working on getting that good mood back, looking forward to New Years Eve. That'll surely bring some laughter and smiles, A. :)

Mar, hang in there. I know it's hard to see that glimmer of hope right now. But it's there somewhere. Perhaps in that one place you have yet to look. Smile. DERP!

Ron, I'll miss you. But that's a given.

Happy Birthday to a certain Chicago bound comedian/ice cream master. (yeah, gross right?) You're in my thoughts today John! Hope your day was fantastic, just like you are!

It was potentially the best sleep I've had in months last night and yesterday morning (I took a nap after we brought Ron home)... Even though I was on the cold hard floor of the basement, I slept soundly and comfortably. I was beside my sister's bed and I forgot how calming her presence is. And my brother was in the bedroom right above me, in my room, safe. Safe. The entire family in one house. All safe and asleep. Funny how something like that can really grab one's attention and make Christmas truly perfect.

I was asked if I got all I wanted from Santa and my corny reply made him laugh. "I got everything I could've asked for, but none of it was material possessions."

This morning I was sleeping in late as per usual for Winter Break. I woke up to my brother jumping on top of me and tickling me and singing that song from bible school Rise and Shine. And it felt so good to have him wake me up again. It was the first time he's done that in 6 years.

So yes, Santa was good to me. And while I still have quite a bit on my mind and nothing is really going perfectly, I'm doing quite well. :)

My brother is home... and he brought snow :)

Just a few things I learned last night:

1. No matter how dysfunctional and screwed up my family is... I love them. I really do.
2. A family Christmas party with some liquid warmth makes cheeks a little rosier and conversation a little less... serious. Whimsy and laughter are much more condusive to holiday spirits.
3. No one will ever show you the concern that only family possesses. Even cousins who you only see once a year. They know when something is wrong, even if you try to hide it. And they make sure they find out what it is and go about fixing it. They aren't fully happy until you are.
4. Four people, all 6 feet tall or more *CAN* fit in the back seat of a taurus. And have a hell of a good time, especially on tight curves. Anything's possible on Christmas Eve.
5. Pulling an all nighter with your siblings is a fantastic way to spend Christmas Eve, especially knowing that at 5:30am you're leaving to pick up the fourth musketeer. And even though your mom might say, "If you don't go to sleep, Santa won't come," he will. And he does. This is proven.
6. Late night phone calls are the best kind. Especially on Christmas Eve and those close to you just can't wait to be the first to wish you a merry Christmas. Good golly, I'm such a lucky-pants.
7. Did I mention how much I love my family?


After successfully bringing my Christmas present home from the airport, I'm going to settle in for a little nap. :) Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!.. er, morning :D

Sorry about the blatant drama lately, everyone.. I appreciate the support through it all....

And Christmas this year... Just keeps getting better and better. I don't need any presents. Life is indeed beautiful.

THE NEWS:

~ My brother... IS coming home for Christmas! He just called today to say that he's been working overtime to make sure he can be home... 6am Christmas morn, I'm picking him up at the airport. TWO DAYS AWAY! That's it!! And I can't wait! :)

~ Mission accomplished! :) I talked to Kurt last night and we worked though everything. This is amazing news and I hope now both of us are grown up enough to make our friendship last. Wow, I missed that kid.

*sigh* *grin* So things just keep getting better. People are being so considerate and Christmas is definitely in the air. My cousins are coming in from Chicago and Cali for Christmas Eve dinner and I'm anxious to spend some serious time with my family... The *entire* family :)

I drove the familiar route today. A pathway I used to joke that I could sleep through and still make it to my destination safe... and surprisingly rested, haha. Many 45 minute segments of my adolescent life were captured on that road. And tonight it felt like the world had stopped for the past two years and I was back to my usual to-and-from routine from high school. Weekends out in Armada were my escape, my heart would overflow with contentedness as I opened all my windows and turned onto 32 mile road. Music would be blaring at top volume and my hand would dance outside my window as I took in deep breaths of the country air. And the house at the top of the curve could've been mine.. Even in the dark with Christmas lights to adorn it, even after years of being away, part of me still felt like I was coming home... And part of me felt like crapping my pants I was so nervous. I drove by once.. which made me feel like a stalker. Returned, turned off the lights, took a deep breath and bolted out of the car. I could hear Choco barking from the garage heralding the arrival of a long lost family member. I dropped the package on the doorstep and ran as quickly as I could back to my car and drove off... heart pounding full force in my chest. Why I didn't want to be seen, why it was so important that I do this on my own... I don't even think I could put it into words. I just miss someone who used to be the most important person in my life. And as I drove home, I could barely fight the pain in my chest as I thought of all the mistakes I made in our friendship.

Kurt, I miss you. And I hope you liked the gift. Not that you'll ever read this.

So aside from my secret mission, today was uneventful. Things are crazy as Christmas fast approaching. And I'm hoping the weather man (who reminds me of one of those bad sitcom actors who you just wish would sit still and shut up) wasn't lying... I need some snow. Half a foot would be nice. Okay I'm done. Sorry for the random post, I just needed to throw that out there. To no one really. To myself. And if you read all that, thanks. You are a die hard friend and for that I can't thank you enough. Or maybe you're a stalker too, just like me. ha! :)

One of the things that I learned this semester that will be on that list whenever I get around to posting it... Is that everything in life is all about perspective. If you change your perspective on something, it can often cause an attitude change and in effect make you feel better or more complete. It's easier to be happy when you simply look at something difficult or terrible in another way. But while this is a pleasant thought and pretending that changing your attitude at the drop of a hat is easy... this is not the case all the time. I realized that a few times this semester and realized that again today. Altough I'm trying. I really am.

Last night I had a really pleasant evening catching up with Dominic, an old friend from Youth Group. We shared our lessons from college over a steaming cup of coffee and talked for hours. It was intellectually stimulating and entertaining. It also forced me to put the past two years into perspective, especially this past semester. I was surprised by what I found. Despite a few unchangable regrets (to which Dom posed the question, "what is the point of regret really?"), I look back with a smile. I'm proud of where I've come from, of the choices I've made. And I really do like the person I've become. But there is always room for change. And it's getting harder and harder to look in the mirror these days without wishing things were just a little different.

I got three drunken phone calls from my sister last night. Those are always amusing. And as weird as it sounds, it was nice to get them and here everyone in the background saying hello and singing to me. I felt loved, like people knew me and really wished I could be there. Kath said they all did an Irish Car Bomb in my honor. Again, as weird as it may sound, it still felt pretty cool.

Today I worked out really hard because of the many things on my mind, grabbed a quick nap and headed out to the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert...

My parents bought the tickets for the four children as part of a Christmas gift. They play Christmas music with a combination of a rock band and sting orchestra. Sounds a little strange, but it's such good music. I highly recommend getting their cd. But anyways, it was meant for the four of us and a couple of my sisters friends. Well. My brother obviously isn't home for the holidays yet and one of Kath's friends backed out so we had two extra tickets. I tried to get Alisha, but she was "booked til Christmas." Kathie asked her friend Q (who let me tell you, is seriously one of the funniest people I've ever met) and I asked Kris, a friend from Albion. Kris is a Delt Sig and someone I've been steadily getting to know better this year. He's a wonderful person with a very good heart and it was nice to have a friendly Albion face there with me.

The concert... was beautiful. It was loud and exciting, yet calm and collected. The song, "First Snow" (my favorite" was accompanied by real snow falling above the audience and I got chills. There was a storyline that followed through the concert and later, at one point the narrator told of the angel to which the story was based seeing the wartorn battlefields of the world... and in the ruins, she could hear a faint song of a forgotten Christmas carol. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." I had to struggle to fight back the tears as the faint tune frew stonger and emotion filled the strains of the guitar and quiet cello...

My brother isn't coming home for Christmas. I found out this morning. He's in the middle of heavy training at work and may be heading to Iraq sooner than expected. He can't get away. A third Christmas without him. And I miss him so much, I can hardly stand on my own. I've tried to be strong thus far, Ron. I've grown up without you the past 6 years. But now... I'm not strong anymore.

And Jazz (my brother's room mate, who I am very close to) is very close to proposing to a woman... a woman who, he frankly doesn't deserve. And this isn't me being the overprotective sister... And I'm normally very accepting of people and seldom hate anyone. But I strongly dislike her. It's so hard to watch someone fall into a life you know will not make them happy. My brother is pretending he doesn't see and that it's Jazz's business. But I can't just look away. It's so upsetting to me. Why? I mean really. It's his life right?I don't know, I guess it's just the way I am to be overprotective about the poeple I care about and look up to. In regards to my disturbed state of mind, my mom simply said, "Karen, no one will ever be good enough for your brothers. But I agree, this one doesn't deserve any of them."

I got a hello from someone very important to me to today. Things between us have been very rough lately. I hope this is the beginning of a reconciliation.

A few surprises topped off the day, making it not nearly as horrible as I once perceived... Perception. Like I said, it's all about perception. But no matter how you look at it, there's no 'different view' that will make me not miss my brother. Although he is still alive and safe... As is all of my family and most of my friends. And that's the such a gift in itself.

So many little gifts all around. Just have to look closely.

I'm a little sleepy but I'm going to blog about yesterday before I completely forget...

Yesterday was bonding day for the Green sisters. I slept in until 1pm which was way nice and then simply lounged around all day.. watched tv, read books, snuggled with my puppy; yeah it was wonderful. At 5 Kath and I picked up a sub from subway and went to the gym to workout. We ran and did abs together and I got to meet a couple more of her friends at the field house. Once I finished, I felt good, refreshed, ready for the night ahead. We ate, bundled up, and made our way to Berkley where we met with the girls and attempted Christmas caroling.

There was 8 of us, three pairs of sisters and a couple extras. All of use knew each other from high school. We caroled at our old basketball coach's house only to find out he wasn't home. We left him an obnoxious note and continued making sweeping loops around the neighborhood. Some were receptive, some were not. Some opened their doors to us and gave us cookies and others who were obviously home hid, hoping we didn't see them. But a few instances really made my heart soar. The first was an old woman. We knocked on the door just as the chorus of "Sleigh bells ring, are ya listenin'?" began. She smiled sweetly and poked her head out. She listened a moment and then retreated, leaving the door open. We kept singing, tentatively, wondering if she would return. She did and brought with her her husband. He reminded me a lot of my dad, only older. He didn't smile and stepped out on the stoop to pick up the paper and then proceeded to walk back inside. The cute little woman grabbed his arm and he stopped. Slowly he turned around. He smiled gently at her. They held hands a moment, then he put his arm around her and they listened to the rest of the song. At the end, we wished them a merry Christmas and they thanked us for including them in ours. As we were leaving another house of a failed attempt, we glanced across the street. There was a beautiful two story townhouse, adorned in white lights. The Christmas tree in the bay window sparkled warmly. And in the doorway stood two little girls in their pajamas and holding onto teddy bears and blankies. They whispered and giggled as we crossed the street towards them. We boisterously belted Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer at the top of our lungs and the little girls squealed with delight. Soon their parents and golden retriever joined them in the doorway. The parents wished us happy holidays and as we were walking away, one of the little girls poked her head back out of the door and yelled in a sweet angelic tone, "Thank you!!! Merry Chrisssmast!" (yes with a T at the end, not in the middle). I couldn't help but smile. This time of year can be so beautiful and full of magic if you simply allow yourself to enjoy it. It's hard not to focus on the things you don't have or the things that you've lost. But if you try to see the good in others, it is really there. Especially during this season.

We then went to Andrea and Amy's apartment for a Christmas party. More people arrived and the final head count of sisters was six. And let me tell you, the more the night went on, the harder and harder it got to say "Six sets of sisters!" :) We laughed, ate good food, drank warm cider and raspberry punch, and enjoyed a reunion of sorts. My sister's friends Paul and Ching both came and joined in the fun and Paul laughed heartily when I referred to someone as a "psycho-pants" and later a "bastard-pants." After some serious bonding and catching up, at 3:30 am my sister and I sleepily headed home, one of the last few still nibbling on snowman cookies. My sister and I giggled about the nights events the whole way home and stumbled into bed. Just as I was about to fall asleep, my phone rang. It was Paul. Just making sure "crazy-pants" and sister got home okay. An eventful and relaxing evening. I got my mind off of some things and got to have great fun with my sister. It was indeed a peaceful night.

Today was uneventful really. Lounged around with Anna for most of the day and caught up with her (while preparing my world famous eggs for her). I also got to see Tom's new photo gallery downtown and his excitement for shooting a new comp for me and my upcoming job in January really made me anxious. I want to get back into it so badly and it's so hard to do when I'm at school. So I hope that I get as much of it in this break as possible. Modeling, for those who are curious. :)

And now I'm just relaxing with momma, getting Kath all gussied up to go out tonight and waiting on Dominic, one of my friends from youth group who I haven't seen since senior year, to get off work so we can grab some coffee and relay the events of the past two years to each other... what am I going to say.. what on earth did I learn? what were the best parts? the worst? this should be interesting...

I need to get two things done asap. One involves taking a ride somewhere I haven't been in a long time only to leave something on a doorstep. The other involves proving something to myself and someone else. I wonder how both or either will work. I'll keep ya updated, not that you care ;).

will someone please kick me?

thanks to those who think i shouldn't be kicked.

home again... time to breathe
I'm here in my basment at midnight, typing away because.. well to be completely honest, I'm having Albion withdrawl. I mean, I knew it would come, but not this soon. I mean I just got back from a great night, but it's really freaking quiet around here. And although I have nothing to do, I can't just run over and visit someone, go sledding on baldwin trays at victory park in the middle of the night (now that we have snow in albion!), or find any reason at all to avoid studying for an exam. now it's just nothing. silence. and my entire family's asleep. it's really weird.

Exams today did go well though. 8am came very quickly, especially after a completely sleepless night. My head was throbbin as I walked out into the cold darkness at 7:30. I was so happy to turn in my exam at 10 and get back my final paper for Weaver's class... a 3.7. Now THAT made my day. I survived his evilness. Not only did I survive, but I did really well! :) Hope the exam went that well, but i doubt it... Advanced Acting final kicked ass too. Somehow I stayed focused, got all my lines out and actually made an attempt at the whole acting thing. Starko seemed impressed, which was enough for me. When I left the theater, it was a blizzard out. Simply beautiful. The snow piled on the ground and as everyone was packing up their cars and cautiously driving off, I wanted to scream, "Hey guys! We're done! Don't leave yet! Let's go play in the snow!"... but alas, like everyone else, i packed up my things, said a few breif goodbyes to the few remaining and disappeared into the thick white snow...

I got home, unpacked, ate a quick dinner and scurried off to the choir concert at my old high school. random blast from the past.. kinda hard to put into words. but i felt awkward, like i'm getting to that point that i'm too old to go back and reminisce. too old, to climb up on the second floor of the AFRO ad paint my name on the wall. but i was there with laura, one of my best friends from high school so that really helped. we went out to coffee afterwards with joel, a senior and someone we were close to because of drama. after the concert he gave me a hug and told me he had some news. he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "i'm going to NYU." I exploded with emotions I can't even explain. Joel was always our little dreamer. He was Billy to my Hope in Anything Goes. He always said he'd get an oscar someday and he always had big dreams of attending NYU and majoring in theater. And he auditioned.. and he got in! :-D I spun him around, I gushed, I giggled, I wanted to scream and tell everyone! he's SO talented and totally deserves it.. I'm way jealous ;) and I'm living with him in New York someday. He knows this. haha. ROCK ON, JOEL! You are going to be a star and I'm SO proud!

The three of us went to Brazil, this great little coffee house in Royal Oak and caught up on the past year and a half (yeah it's been that long). We giggled over coffee, Joel fell off the couch and we shared stories of our past experiences. I didn't realize just how much I do miss high school. Well, the people at least. Well.. SOME of the people. It was a great time, very relaxing and reminded me why I do really love coming home.

A flash of an unexpected smile surprised me most pleasantly today. Something inside me jumped. And I think I liked it.

Not being able to talk freely and as openly as I'd like sucks. I don't like feeling like nothing I do would ever make things better. I miss the way things used to be with certain people. I'm praying that the winds of change will come soon, like the prediction on my bottle of Jones Soda said tonight.

And now I'm back in my basement. Staring at the wall. Exhausted but not sure sleep is what I want. I want to go on an adventure. But alas, the problem of being home. Adventures are few and far between. And seldom occur at midnight on a wednesday. *sigh*

I missed my family though. And really, it is good to be home.

Ok, I'm done with thinking for the night. I officially give up!

Here's some of the various answers I got to my question of the night... for those of you who know each other, this may be a fun guessing game! and if you don't want your answer here and I put it up, let me know and I'll edit it out :)...

If you could be anywhere with anyone doing anything RIGHT now, where would ya be, who would you be with and why?

"leaving aside the obvious (with Orlando Bloom, in a bed, shagging), I would like to be at home, with my daddy, on the couch watching hockey (and looking out the window for the "wild boar" my mother alleges is haunting our backyard) *dark side love*"

"hmmmmm, napoleon at the outset of waterloo because i like irony."

"i'd be drawring in the smithsonian with my favorite volunteer, since it's more fun than a take-home math final. and that says a lot."

"anywhere but here, man. studying sucks monkey balls. i want to go home."

"i want to ask you that question, but i doubt i'd like the answer."

"i'd want to be backpacking in europe with our crew. that would be so much fun."

"i think i would want to be with Burton... doing something crazy...because he's got a great personality and is funny as hell.. and he's cute :-D. but what would we be doing..... white water rafting, but if it was warm of course... i think he would be a ton of fun to do that with. i'm gonna steal your question for the night... that is such a good idea.... you better IM me back and tell me YOUR answer!
*an hour passes*
hmmm... at this moment, i think i would want to be with......logan... who he used to be before leslie.....just chillin on his apartment balcony talking in the humid summer air and i would be with him b/c he also had a great personalityand a cute as hell smile and laugh. that's it."

"in my water bed, with you, haha! or at the olive garden with marvin gaye eating pasta."

"At the coffeehouse with TNA playing 'board games.' lol. It would be a hell of a lot more fun than this damn paper is."

"normally i would wish to be in Geneva, Switzerland with Heath Ledger or especially today at Kitty Hawk, since it is the centennial of flight, and i would go with someone from work prolly...but unfortunately since i know i won't be doing either of those two things tonight i want to be going to my work party, then foley, then coffee with you and then have teresa over...that sounds like a pretty good night right? cya later chica and good luck on your finals"

"if i could be anywhere with anyone, i would be with hemingway at the hog's breath saloon down in key west, florida. rumor was that man could hold his liquor, and he was extremely very loud and rude....prefect match for me to hang out with."

"I'd be under a large Christmas-lit pine tree, on the campus of a small, liberal arts college with a beautiful woman and she'd be throwing snow at me and i'd be angry because I can't make snowballs BUT... if I had the spades from Coldstone I could make a wicked mean snowball."

"Beating up my econ teacher. This sucks."

"Oh, man, lady. You know that I'd be in bed with yo momma!"

"i would be in an igloo in hawaii, sipping on a vanilla pepsi, wearing a new pair of jordans, with my monkey mr. giggles"

"The answer to the question as of right now would be in my bed holding the woman i love (whoever that may be :-P) Why? because i don't need anything extravagant or some exotic space as long as the one i love is beside me wherever we are is paradise"

"hmmm i would want to be with izzy... for reasons you know all too well... :) love you!"

"no place else but here. cuz I'm wasted, it's a tuesday night, and I have an exam at 8 am. hell yeah baby!"

"hmm well i have two answers one is possible, the other isn't and neither really involve being with anyone else
1. somewhere in the southwest, on a desert butte, with nothing surrounding for miles but silence and peace
2. playing baseball competitively anywhere"

"what kinda question is that?! shouldn't you be studying young lady!!"

"karen, my dad... cause i miss him so much. love u."


So that's all I have thus far! If you're answer's not on this list, drop me an IM and I'll get it up there! :) hope everyone's having an excellent night. i'm going on an adventure and then hitting the hay for 2 lovely exams that i'm not ready for in the morn... hurrah!

A break in the study madness
Whoah... staying focused is getting harder and harder over here. I've got 15 minutes until my next sscheduled 3 hour study period, so I figured I'd blog a bit. By this time tomorrow I'll be at home, probably bored out of my mind with nothing to do.. now that's a lovely thought. But I'm sure I'll get really bored fairly soon and I'll be wishing I'm back at school. Just you wait.

A little disturbed by a few people's recent actions, but half of them are hardly worth being taken into account. Very trivial things that I should just get over. This dreamer's got dreams to catch.

Last night was completely an amusing night. I studied in the library all day and couldn't bear to study a moment longer. I got to catch up with countless friends, each fretting about finals, but oddly calm and willing to procrastinate. It was really fun. A friend told me of a little crush they had on me last year. It was kinda cute to hear. I got a surprise from another person who I haven't seen in weeks. A surprise that made me laugh hysterically out loud when I got back to my room. I don't think I've ever laughed that loud all alone before. :D I went for a walk with Pete and Ian around the quad and such. Pete slipped and fell on his ass, facing a tire on a car. He then proceeded to attempt to be suave about it and say "So.. about that tire." It was one of those, ya had be there moments. It was hilarious, Pete's the coolest. I enjoyed a trip to baldwin at 11:30pm for the study break they have during finals. I ate a donut and cider and triumphed with the crew about being stronger than superman. For a really terrible reason :-p (it had to do with falling off of a horse). Kyle and I got to mend things. That was good. I even studied a little more before bed. All in all a carefree night and welcome break from that whole thinking thing.

I think there's a few journals I should quit reading for a few days.

It's so nice to know that your thoughtfulness succeeded in conveying the feelings you wanted. I only hope I'm lucky enough that all my future surprises come off with such ease and positive reactions. But then again, I don't really "surprise" often.

My sister passed her 8 hour Civil Engineering exam. Man, she has so much patience. And she's so smart. Rock on, Kath. I'm so proud of you woman.

Hey Ron, since they got Saddam, can you just stay home now? please? :(

Being all alone in the room here is really odd. I can't really put my finger on why that is... Something's just missing. Oh, that's right. My room mate. :-p

Well, my 15 minutes are up. Back to studying. Hope everyone's holding their own through all the stress! Soon, we'll be home.. sleeping and doing nothing. *sigh* fantastic!

Question of the Day:
"If you could be anywhere with anyone doing anything RIGHT now, where would ya be, who would you be with and why?" leave answers via FireflyKG :) An have a great night!

oddly comforted... falling gently to sleep. to dream of what tomorrow will bring... the possibilties i can't even fathom. the smiles unforseen, beauties i can't even imagine.

Mood: Relaxed, ready to take on the next few days :)
Song: that one song by the Goo Goo Dolls I haven't heard in a year. yeah, it's still stuck in my head...

And the studying avoidance continues... Not too much to post about today, but i'm sure i'll ramble anyways...
I went to the equestrian team Christmas party with my parents. I got to show them around the farm and show them my horses. Pete was being exceptionally affectionate today and he was nugging and kissing up a storm. My father took pictures of my horses and I. And I was so proud to have my parents there. They got to see where I work and where I go to play when I'm getting overwhelmed, when life is too hard to handle. And Kristen was my secret santa.. she gave me a new pair of show gloves; beautiful leather. I've barely been able to take them off.. And being with all those girls who share my passion, I love that.
I mean, people may think I'm crazy. That I get so much out of riding, that I get so much out of being in the country. Something out there makes me feel alive. Like backpacking, nature.. It's all in there somewhere and I can never fully describe it. You want to get close to me? You want to see what really makes this girl tick, the true soul deep inside... go riding with me, go on a backpacking trip with me, let me take you surfing.. you'll see it all then. All of this nonsense that I spend hours trying to materialize will make sense. If you care enough to take the time to look, if you want to escape with me into my heaven, right here on earth.

Took a long nap this afternoon... it was so nice. So nice.

*sigh* I don't want to complain, but I can't help it. It's only human and "allowed sometimes" or so I'm told. Sometimes people just get so caught up in plans sometimes. Expectations are rediculous. And so is assuming anything. So live life moment by moment. And let the moment in itself take your breath away. Plans are for the stable and the insecure. Doesn't make any sense? That's the point. Leave yourself open to just doing something on a whim, following that impulse. And don't expect things to go as "planned." It's the unplanned that make life interesting and worth living. A little peek into that soul I was speaking of.

Watching movies with the room mate when papers and studying should be occuring... Can't help but giggle at the thought. And that's what we've been up to all day. She's leaving tomorrow and then it's nothing but studying left for me now until I get to go home. So we're living it up while we can indeed.

I'm in the oddest of moods, I think I'm ready to go home. I really miss my family; especially my brothers and sister.

Trying to spread the Christmas cheer by putting as much thoughts into the gifts I give as possible. With no money, thoughts are often all you have to give. But sometimes those thoughts are worth more than the gifts themselves. Or at least that's what I'm told.

Two more exams left. Three more days. Then some time to breathe and get back to my usual smiling self. Yeah, that needs to happen soon.

Mood: Uncertain... and a little scared. Where did my optimism go?
Song: "Brilliant Dance" by Dashboard
Quote o' the day: (yeah, it's a new one.. i think all you livejournal-ers should have it! :)
"See her stand there
In the center of a lonely crowd
With a big smile on her face.
See her listen to the hearts of others
See her optimism take flight
It's those twinkling eyes that shine unwavering
But she cries sometimes too...
She hurts sometimes.. just like you."

Oh am I an idiot! haha. yes yes i am. forgot my keys. my poor room mate. i don't know how she puts up with me. i took a nap in seaton's pit lounge. now that's an experience everyone should have before they graduate... um. eww, is really all i have to say. alisha, thanks for putting up with me being a forgetful pants!

Mint m&m's and silly daydreams...
So I should really be reading that text book that I haven't read all semester or memorizing my monologue and scene for my acting final... but alas, procrastination is an art and i'm feeling awfully artistic tonight.

I did finish that paper today didn't I? Don't I deserve a night off? haha. considering I already had one on thursday, I probably shouldn't. But I did finish that paper... and it was a pain in the ass. And I ate half a bag of mint m&m's in order to finish the darn thing. Now I'm done with everything paper-related for the semester! Now THAT is cause to celebrate right there.

Mmm... I feel awfully "Felicity" today. Like my life should have a soundtrack or something. And with all the m&m's to help me study... weird. Now I just need to cut my hair and have Noel and Ben fighting over me and I'll be set. I only had two guys fight over me once and I can't say I'd want to have it happen again, but it certainly was interesting.. especially when they both walked me home.. together. ahh, memories.

I forgot how much I love the new Alkaline Trio cd, Good Mourning. It was collecting dust at the bottom of my drawer and I popped it in today while I was working and wow.. That is good stuff. Especially "This Could Be Love" (one of those happy sounding songs about killing someone and playing in their blood.. yeah kinda on the morbid side) and "One Hundred Stories."

Someone told me yesterday that I was one of a kind. Something I haven't heard in quite a while. And it really struck me. Because the person who said it was really sincere and it came completly out of nowhere. And that was nice.

I really can't sit still much anymore. I need to get out. I so want this semester to be over, but I so want these next few days to last forever. I'm really conflicted. I mean, while this semester has pretty much been the hardest to get through emotionally since I've come to college, it's also held such great experiences... I mean they just keep getting better the more I'm here. And the more I experience, the more beauty I see around me, the more fun I have.. the more I realize this IS the best time in my life and I'm going to enjoy it, damnit. :)

"It's a coffeehouse thing. You'd have to live here to understand." Kinda like getting "stereo mind f.." ... uh, nevermind... ;)

So, I'm making a list of all the lessons I've learned this semester. Boy, it's gonna be a doosey. I'll post it as soon as I'm done with it. No hints to anything, except one of the lessons has to do with eating half a jar of peanut butter on a whim and not feeling too good the next morning, lol.

I honestly have nothing else to go off on right now. I can't really think of anything. I guess that means it's time to go back to work again. Well this was a pointless post if I ever saw one. Nothing interesting at all. Sorry if I just wasted 5 minutes of your life that you'll never get back :-p i mean, TOO BAD!! haha. leave me some ideas of stuff to do tonight though, would ya?

Mood: Happy. Yeah. I'm happy. :)
Song: "In Between Days" by Ben Folds *complete with nerdy Charlie Brown dance*

Oh what a night!!!
I felt the warm embrace of life well lived tonight... And the taste has left me merely wanting more.

My last day of classes went fairly well and I got to riding for the second time this week. Riding Knight (a black horse) in the falling snow was magical and the crunch of the ground, changing colors of the clouds and cold wind biting at my cheeks made it a truly exhillerating change of pace. I also got to ride Pete, the Clydsdale for the first time in a while. I forgot how big he was and as I was putting his halter on, he put his face next to mine and kinda camped out there as I was trying to figure out the way it was supposed to go on. It was adorable.

Later in the evening, my room mate and I got all dressed up and went with Kyle to Kalamazoo to meet with Alisha's Izzy. The snow fall increased the more west we drove and we gazed at glistening Christmas lights and warm laughter enveloped the car. We met Izzy at his house and went to the Blue Dolphin, a Greek restaurant in downtown Kzoo for dinner. Alisha and I had half a chicken each (hell yeah non baldwin food!) and screamed "Opa!" as our waitress lit not only the flaming cheese, but the cloth on the tray on fire as well. haha. It was impecable the way the four of us clicked. Alisha and Izzy were the quiet reserved ones, quietly laughing and sharing private moments while Kyle and I were cracking jokes and making the whole table laugh with our silliness. There were a few times I just stopped eating, looked up at A and we knew what we were thinking... this was fun. We left school behind and got to spend some quality time with friends outside of class. After dinner, we went for a walk in the park and took in the lights of the season. I had never been to Kalamazoo and I was truly taken by it's simple charm and elegant buildings. The snow fell in large flakes and clung to my eyelashes... It's the first time I've felt snow like that this year. Once we decided we had enough of the chill, we made our way to the Water Street Coffee Shop.. The cute, cozy atmosphere encouraged laughter, comfort, conversation and the telling of secrets... The four of us chuckled heartily and the Christmas spirit was definitely in the air, as we sipped hot cocoa and watched the snowy scene whirl and curl about us... On the drive home, we talked energetically about Christmases past and all of our family traditions. The four of us even joked about going to Europe someday. Mellow music played on the radio as we slowly, yet pleasantly made our way through the thick blizzard back into Albion.

Snow was already on the ground here and I made my way to the coffee house to see if the volunteer party was still up and running. At 12:45 pm, it was indeed! The evening proceeded to get more and more crazy. I got to spend time with my dearest friends, enjoying each others company, dancing, sharing secrets and playing.. just playing together. And I got to get close to a few more of the coffeehouse managers. We giggled about boys and events of the evening and I really felt a part of it all. The coffee house bustled with activity and I was overwhelmed with a sense of calm joy. I decided at 3am to open the coffee house for the first time! hehe! :) I made a sign and even steamed milk to make peppermint steamers for a few of the visitors. I feel so at home there. I hope I get the opportunity to one day be able to call it home.

I returned at 4 am to a room darkened. Alisha had already scurried to bed. A post it note on my computer read "Thank you for tonight. I love you. - A" Again, way blessed by the friends around. I couldn't just sleep. It was 4 am and it was snowing.. the first REAL snow of the season. It was actually sticking. And things have been hitting me hard lately. The past, the people and moments I feel I may've lost forever. And those I can't lose, desperately don't want to. Those people of inspiration who aren't here with me, but still show me such love.. I miss them. And I just read peoples away messages, journals, notes from the day and I could barely take it all in.. I needed to go on a walk. No one was awake for a walk. But I really didn't care, I wanted to be alone. So I tiptoed into the snow, alone.

I shuffled through the snow and listened to it crunch beneath my doc marten's. The snow clung to my red coat and hair as I walked past buildings, illuminated by the eerie orange glow of the street lamps. I smiled. I had forgotten how beautiful Albion is at night. The way the snow glitters, the way the Christmas tree in the middle of the quad casts shades of violent color on the white canvas around it... The feel of the air as it fills my lungs, cold and crisp. The toll of the chapel sounding the hour. A curious reminder that some things will never change. Like that light in my closet. Whether it turns on after a few seconds or a few minutes, if I pull the string.. it will turn on. I made my way back towards seaton and then I noticed some movement. Was I not the the only one still awake at this ungodly hour? I looked harder and there were 5 of the delt sig boys in a snow ball fight in the front of their house. I walked over to say hello only to be belted. Oh, I was in it now! I made snow balls, hid behind walls and got thrown in the snow.. It was simply heartpounding life. I felt so completely alive and happy. Now this is what college is all about, I thought to myself. I wandered into the house to find many sleeping, but some brave souls still wide awake. I told Ian how I was walking alone, until I got called into battle and he sleepily looked at me and said, "Well.. welcome home." I couldn't help but smile.

And now it's 5am. Where the night went, I do not know. But although it was fleeting and over all too soon, the events won't be forgotten. And while I still have that tinge of finals depression. That thinge of sadness at the things I will never have, the things I've only dreamt of, the things i have let go of, perhaps completely by unchangeable mistake... I am SO completely blessed with what I have. And the memories won't go anywhere. To quote something that ended up in the coffeehouse quote book tonight, "THIS is the way life should be!" - something I said with fairy wings on as I steamed milk and laughed in rapture at 3:30 am.

Last verbal/nonverbal class EVER today!!! And it was actually an enjoyable class. I giggled my way through it and he even let us out early. Come to think of it, I'm actually getting fond of the old man and think I may be able to handle another class with him... MAYBE... :-p

Because I got out of class early, I stopped in the KC to check my mail only to find that the union board was doing that kick ass "stress free room" that they do for finals every semester. And because I had time before my lunch w/ a prospective at noon, I signed up for a ten minute *free* massage and curled up on the couch with Jordan and Denise. We colored in coloring books for a little while, talked, blew bubbles and then I got my massage. It was so sweet!!

Piano lessons kicked ass as always and I'm busting a move with the Christmas carols I learned.

Today was also the last day this semester that I got to volunteer at the coffee house. The theme of the day as decided by Nick was "My volunteers are the best... You should congratulate them." I was simply touched and I don't know what I'm going to do without that place over break. Brendan and I got out the sharpies and went all out on the Smithsonian magazine. I got hugs from both Nick and Brendan who thanked me profusely. It's really not a chore. I love working there. If only I could do that for the rest of my life... When ya opening the coffeehouse chain, Brendan? Which reminds me.. Alisha, are we still opening that children's book store someday? We better be, this communications thing is crap, I'm sick of reading and studying for finals. :)

I'm now on my way out to go to the coffee house for the last night it's open, then heading over to TKE to see if David is still alive. It's sure been a while since I've seen him. I think I've seriously forgotten how to play the guitar. Hoping for a pleasant evening to follow all this studying crap... or should I say CPAR!! ha!

The most random post ever! (most likely more to come)
There's something that happens when you ride a horse. It's rather indescribable, but for a brief moment, when you're riding your fastest and the sun is setting just right.. you feel as though you were flying, leaving the earth.. free...

I got to go riding with Kelsey today without our coach. Just a ride. Not worried about position, posture, posting... Just riding. It was so nice. I pushed Knight into a cantor as it began to get dark and I forgot the world for a moment. For one second it was just me and my horse and no one could stop us. We were invincible and the falling rain just framed the moment. Later I put him in his stall and gave him some carrots. As I was about to leave he nudged me and pulled on the bottom of my sweatshirt with his teeth. I turned to face him and opened my arms. He sank into them like he would never dream of leaving, a lover sworn to his mate. It reminded me of the time after we fell about a month ago. Knight had gotten spooked, tripped, lost his balance and took me with him. He rolled into me as we hit the ground and stood straight up, perhaps more terrified than I was. And when I stalled him later that day, he would not let me leave. He just kept his head against my chest as if to apologize... That horse... man, sometimes I wonder how I survived stress before I started riding.

I read someone's latest post on their livejournal and I was deeply struck. I saw into their mind for a brief instant and felt exactly how they did. Poetry not for class, not for anyone. Just for him. And that's what made it profound. And that's what made it so very special.

Yeah, I love my brother. I gave my final speech today and dedicated to him.. had to fight back the tears. Counting down the days til Christmas when he'll be home again.

I ran three miles today and worked out hard core. Everything hurts, but I feel accomplished. Never has it been so difficult to put one foot in front of the other on the way home from the Dow. But it felt good to run.. like I was running away from something almost. And perhaps I was... Not perhaps, I'm certain I was.
And now my abs.. hurt like hell. hooray!

Starko sat in on my directing scene rehearsal today. After attacking my attempt at a British accent earlier, I thought I would kick him if he messed with me while I was trying to direct. He egged me on a little, like he does when he knows he can. But he gave very good suggestions and made me feel that I was indeed doing well. I coughed my way through rehearsal praying that I wasn't getting the plague. I mentioned that i needed to find someone with a car to take me to the store tomorrow to get some zinc, the wonder drug. Starko then said, "I can take you." It's 11pm mind you, so I say heck no and tell him I'll find someone tomorrow. Now's when he got all fatherly and told me he wouldn't hear of one of his favorite actors getting sick right before finals. So, long story short I couldn't even argue and he drove me all the way into jackson, got me zinc (and mint m&ms) and that was that. It's so nice to have people looking out for you, who care about you and want to see you succeed. People who really believe you will reach your dreams someday. And it seems the generous Christmas spirit is indeed in the air.

Have I ever mentioned how much I adore Life cereal? well.. i do. and it tastes really good with chocolate milk. you should try it.

And now my room mate is giggling as she chats online. And watching her, I can't help but smile. I never thought I'd be at a point where patience actually works. And I'm not really sure that it is. But I think it might be. I expect everyone else to be patient and wait, but I can't do it myself. But now.. I feel like I'm getting better at it. Waiting in the wings is really okay. And I can be genuinely happy for all those giggling tonight. Because even though I'm not, love is indeed in the air. And I'm happy for all those tasting it's sweet surrender as they evade sleep for as long as tired eyes can stay open.

Well I am giggling. But it's because I'm arguing with someone very dear to me about poop and hugging a 400 pound man. ha!

So despite the overall contentedness I've been feeling lately, something has been a little off. Alisha and I talked about it and we've both had a bad feeling for the past couple of days. Something isn't right. And the fact that I have no idea what it is, is a little, well frightening. And my sleeping patterns have been way off. Not only am I constantly thinking about things, therefore keeping me from drifting off, but the dreams I've been having are different than usual. They aren't nightmares persay. I usually dream in very vivid colors and everything is clear and crisp.. easy to remember. But lately, my dreams have been dark. I often can't make out details and figured and places are very unclear. As if I'm looking through some sort of fog, as well as being trapped in the darkness. And while the subject of the dreams has changed and they have been about relatively normal situations.. the darkness remains.

So, my mom's in Jamaica right now. What's up with that? :)

I think a lot of people just need to be held right now. Or at least told that they matter to someone.. and why. I think that would help this finals frenzy and this Christmas depression that's been scurrying about.

Ok I'm done. For now. Thanks for reading my aimless ramblings. I appreciate it probably more than you know.

(and a special thanks to Miss Kraly for her punk rendition of Silent Night... I enjoyed it immensely *dark side love*)

and for all those "livejournal"- ers out there....

Mood: patient (is that really a mood? no?). good. how's that?
Song: "Wandering" by Ben Folds

well i wrote this insanely long post...and it got deleted somehow... the blogging gods are upset with me today it seems. i'll write more tomorrow, i'm sure.

quote o' the day:

"it's those little things that catch you off guard; those little surprises all wrapped up or not wrapped at all that make life worth living. and make smiling genuine and breathing no longer unconscious."

Yes, too much good in life to be in a bad mood for too long...

Just got back from Delt Sig where Fatt Matt, Kyle and Ian cooked me dinner.

When I returned, this was waiting for me...

"well, i was gutsy enough to catch the "don't click this" link. hope you're rocking it out and having as best of a time as you can. you really deserve it. you've been doing so much for so many it's no wonder things have gotten to you. remember, though, that you have 100 times as many people behind you as you do against you. love"

thanks to those people who make my days so special and remind me of this. clinging to concert dreams and smiling my way through a busy evening. :)

(note: don't read the following. it is very much not like me, i just needed to rant! but i guess everyone does sometimes. do have a nice night!)

So it's finally starting to get to me and I'm starting to lose it. It's weird how everyone seems so provocatively over-dramatic these days. I mean, as if it's not enough that we're all swamped with work, but people have to make sheer living "work." I guess what I'm trying to say is some people really just piss me off. And that's not like me really. To rant like this. But, like the afore mentioned mental breakdown, I can't really handle it much anymore.

Like I'm trying to find small amounts of pleasure amidst the stress and I feel I've succeeded for the most part. I mean, if you pay attention to my blog (for some odd reason), I've been having a pretty good time and remaining thoroughly "karen" about everything aka optimistic through it all. But just today, I've realized that some people who I really do care about are just being SO completely dramatic! I've been trying so hard to make everyone know I care and that I'm here for them as much as i can be. unfortunantly i am not superwoman. i mean, geez! smile for God's sake! take a breath. but again.. me being "karen." perhaps i should shut up, because i obviously did something monumentally wrong and i really don't understand.

My directing scene is falling apart and I have a feeling that it won't fix itself miraculously by tomorrow. And this paper.. makes no sense! but i'm going to movie night at the coffee house ANYWAYS! because that's one of the few places the drama never concerns me and I can forget life for a bit. We're watching Labyrinth. And I'm tres excited.

I played the piano from 5- 5:45 today. I was supposed to have a lesson, but as per usual, Michelle wasn't around, so I just locked in a practice room. This was one of those times I was so glad I had a piano nearby. I played the hell out of it. I pounded, playing the most angry version of "Silent Night" in the world. It was awesome. And I think I might actually like the punk version better. Kinda like the punk version of "Barcelona" from Company. I can just hear Susan and Laura in my head "SILENT NIGHT! HOLY NIGHT! ALL IS CALM ALL IS BRIGHT!!" hehe... I love escapes like this. Piano and riding are the only two I seem to have left, even acting isn't much of an escape anymore.

So back to work. Sorry for that random explosion. I guess I just needed to put it somewhere. And considering there's only like 5 people gutsy enough to click the "don't click this" I'm not very worried.

It's been a few days since I've posted, so I figure it's about that time. Things are going well for the most part around here. Busy, but in a good way. I've been steadily learning more and more each day that passes, therefore I feel like something must be going right.. if i keep learning from experiences.

Friday was hectic and full of surprises. I worked at the coffeehouse in the morning. It was crazy busy so I had a blast making all kinds of drinks and chasing Brendan and Nick around the kitchen. Class was boring, but I came to the realization that Weaver does really like me as a student. He may be a jerk to all of us, but he definitely doesn't hate me. Too bad it took me this long to figure that one out. I was snagged a nap before rehearsal for my directing scene. It was so nice to sleep! Wow, being able to snuggle in bed for longer than half an hour in the afternoon is truly heavenly.... Directing scene is coming along well aside from missing one of my actors. But I played her part and had a great time bonding with the others. Performance is coming up quick on Monday. We'll see how things go.

After rehearsal I came back and proceeded to get all ready for the Delt Sig semi formal. It was so nice to get ready w/ Alisha. She wasn't going, but she had something of her own to look forward to that night.. Izzy's surprise visit. I curled her hair and changed my dress three times. We giggled and I put on my red coat and tip-toed out into the falling snow.

The semi formal was lovely. I really had a great time. I went with Ian, a dear friend and it was one of the best times I've ever had at an event like that. I got to spend some quality time with my friends and dance with everyone. It was a pleasant break and something I was looking forward to all week. And spending time w/ "my boys" was simply delightful. And Ian said that I was the best date he could've asked for and everyone showered me with compliments. Felt like an undeserved gift, a nice surprise.

Woke up insanely early today to give a tour and then took a nap all afternoon to catch up on lack of sleep. Got the surprise news that made my day/week/month.... An early Christmas present of sorts. My brother, the Marine.. will be HOME for Christmas. I'm picking him up at the airport at 6am Christmas Morning. Now how am I going to ever thank Santa for that? :)

Tonight was rather uneventful. Watched a couple movies, bonded some with A. Just relaxed and caught up with some folks. Recovering from last night's hell of a time. :) Hope everyone is getting into the Christmas spirit and holding their own with all the last minute stuff going on as the semester draws to a close. Tomorrow's homework day for me *sigh* Finishing another paper, writing a speech and rehearsing some more. hooray!

Tonight I stepped out into the cold after watching Dead Poet's Society with Dan and Alisha. I didn't button my coat or put on my gloves. I just let the cold numb my hands and cheeks to the point of pain. This semester's taught me so much. And the losses I've sustained are still haunting me. But the blessings I have are undeniable.

I received an e-mail from my pen pal and dear friend, Joel Pedro who lives near Lisbon in Portugal. I met him at World Youth Day a couple years ago and we have kept in touch via e-mail ever since. Our e-mail frequency varies according to the amount of time we have to spare, but somehow we always know the other is there and that we always have someone praying for us, even thousands of miles away. He e-mailed me for the first time in months sharing sad stories of his loss of his father to cancer and the hard time he is having at University. He clings to his faith and his friends to get him through it. And somehow, although we haven't talked in a long time, he says knowing that I'm praying for him really helps him when he feels completely alone.

He closed his e-mail with this...

"Be eternally good as you are now,

Joel Pedro"

Eternally good? But I am not eternally good. I'm the farthest from it actually. But what he knows of me, what I am to him is just that. He doesn't dwell on my past the way I do. He doesn't remind me each day of the things I've done wrong, the mistakes I've made and the people I've hurt accidentally or purposefully along the way. And it's nice to have people like that in life. People who look beyond your mistakes and flaws and still see someone who is, in essence good. Once again, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have such loyal and loving friends in this life.

Well last night was yet another unsuccessful attempt at sleep. Although at least last night I was relaxing, watching a movie with my room mate, catching my breath. And surprisingly hit my second wind. And instead of memorizing lines as I probably should have, I held on to my script (while it was shut, mind you) and giggled my way through one Big, Fat Greek Wedding til 3am. So waking up this morning was a little on the rough side.

But on the reason why I'm blogging at 11am. I just got back from my meeting with my off campus advisor. And holy hell am I excited! I mean, the whole world at the palm of my hand, just waiting for me to pick a country, leave my blankie behind, exit my comfort zone and get completely absorbed in a new culture and find a niche in a world full of strangers. Never again will I get this opportunity, so I'm going to take it and revel in it, for all it's worth. Even if I am scared slightly shitless about leaving home and going someplace completely unknown. But you know me. Take the risk is my motto. Don't live in regret. Adventure is the fountain of youth.

So after looking at photographs, learning about all sorts of programs and inching towards my advisor as she described in detail the things I'd be experiencing in daily life almost to the point of falling off... I have it narrowed down to two choices. Well I still have some research to do on some others, but basically there are two places and courses that are, in her opinion are designed for people like me... London, England and Queensland, Australia.

Now isn't that insane?!!

I could see myself in London; bustling about the busy streets on my way to my internship or classes, going to plays at the Globe, experiencing a Pub for the first time, making my way over to Ireland somehow for St. Paddy's Day, going to the museums, trying to make those guys with the fuzzy hats laugh... And in the Spring, well, it would be beautiful. The essence of city life and an abundance of rich business and communication experience.

And Australia. Well, that one was something I was against from the get go. I mean, it's so far away. Not that I won't feel a world away no matter where I go, but literally to be on the other side of the world away... wow. But the way my heart raced when she described Griffith University and it's program designed to incoporate Communcation and Art into various settings, the internship possibilities, the way she was so impressed by their programs... And not to mention Australia itself. Let's just say I wouldn't get better surfing anyhere. 20 minutes from the Gold Coast, beaches with teal crystal clear water, tropical forests, dolphins, koalas, sunshine... Nature in a way that I have only dreamt about in math class all my life. And the rush of knowing I would be doing something and going somewhere I never would again, experiencing 4 months of a place unknown to so many people. The sheer thought makes my heart pound and my knees weak.

So I win both ways. And luckily I have a few months to figure it all out. So IM me and share your thoughts if you'd like. I'd certainly be appreciative.

Finals are still coming, and papers and projects are still making me anxious. I'm worried, tired, and in need of a serious vacation. And I still don't know my lines for my final scene I have to perform for a grade at 2pm. Oh dear dear...

The work piles on... but the smiles never fade. :)

I'm.... done... actually had a fun time at the all nighter. last time i did that was last year w/ the brents and riche and that crappy coffee in wesley lounge. this year it was frappacino and high quality rob lab. nathan wrote me a poem about me and my sweatpants. it's going up on my wall toomorrow. we flew paper airplanes across the room... there were 4 of us that stuck it out til the end and then at 5am, i trudged home. feeling accomplished. relieved. 7 hours of research paper with no breaks to speak of. i can't believe 8 freaking pages took me that long. my brain was mush, i don't know. but bed i think.. good idea. yes. expresso at the work tomorrow morning. yes. i love the coffee house... *begins to babble and sing to herself* good night everyone! hope dreams are pleasant and you're all snuggled up in happiness tonight.. or this morning.. wait...is that the sun???

well, finished the outline for the paper... and this is going to be quite a long one. on my way to rob lab to set up camp with Alisha and Nater for the night. hooray for all nighters with good company! :) this actually might be fun. ha. *shakes head* well, i'll blog when i get this thing done, probably in the wee hours o' the morning. hoping i stay focused and *can* actually get it all done. i'd be so proud. why am i still talking about this? guess putting things off using all means possible is what's going on.

"Just close your eyes. Ignore the smoke and smile..." - Blue

So seems like tonight is my night to pull an all nighter... Trying to find some peace of mind in the idea of the long night ahead. I mean as long as I don't get tired. As long as I stay focused. There is an entirely real possibility that I could get this done... *sigh* And if I stay up all night and don't get it done I'm going to have trouble forgiving myself. Well, KG... here we go. Forget everything that's on your mind. Forget the words from last night, the words from this morning. Forget the faces you've seen today and forget the thoughts that won't stop tearing at your conscience.. won't stop pulling at your heart. Let it all go. Take a break from reality and do some research paper. It'll be a break. Ha, now that's the way to look at a paper. As a break from life as opposed to a robber of life. Yes... paper = good. Keep telling yourself that.

The other thing I wish this thing had that livejournals do... that whole song and mood thing.

Screw it, I'm making one anyways...

Mood: overwhelmed... but motivated.
Song: "The Outsider" by A Perfect Circle, because it's a kick ass angry song.

so you know that song "Let it Snow"... well it's stuck in my head right now and won't go away. I could use some snow though. Yes, this late at night. Maybe that's why.

oh and a big ol' "derp" to all those art students out there pulling all nighters. i'm way proud of you. and i really wish i could be right there with ya, developing my film, maybe tackling a painting or drawing of my own. :)

After four tedious hours in the library, I got back to find running away from all sorts of homework obscenely easy. Wandered off with Alisha to get into trouble and succeeded for about an hour of mario party with some dear friends. Once home, back out again to meet Mike, Steph and John! (yes John!!! hooray!) at the eat shop at midnight. Random surprise to have John back, we all weren't expecting it. "A gift" as I put it to Nick when I brought him his dad while he was in the middle of hard work at the library. It was nice to see John again. Feelings of comfort swelled in all of us. He certainly left his mark on me. And it was easy to tell the mark he left on a lot of people here. Even those who didn't really know him the way we do... A girl approached him in the KC and related a story of seeing the Euphonics at the Sears tower and John was her favorite because of the "cool noises" he made. I could tell it really made John's night. And I was elated for him.

He's driving back to Chicago tonight, that crazy bastard. :)

Currently catching up with the room mate. Giggling and enjoying another nonporductive capernicus night. And ya know what? Despite the overwhelming amounts of work and stress... and all the random stuff that I can't seem to get over or get out of my head... Life is good. Life is very good.

Late night in Albion... And again, I'm very happy I go here. For a crazy amount of reasons to large to list. I mean, I hung out with some of my friends who go to larger, more well known colleges over Thanksgiving and really... I was a little envious for a moment of all that they had there, but we have something here they will never experience. Actually knowing their professors on a first name basis. Being able to go to the library with your 'goofy in the best way' room matefor 4 hours of hard core research, and being interupted non stop by people you know. Running up and down the stairs in the tiers. Getting "haunted" on the first floor of mudd, having to run up the stairs to a place where people were because the light right above you went out just as you were about to read from a book taken from the shelf and the incessent clicking on the window beside you that really has to be a ghost... because really, what else could it possibly be? wait, what was i talking about?... oh! albion. yeah. it's fantastic. and even when i'm swamped with work, i really love it here.

so enough school promotion, I have enough of that tour guiding. I had the best time at a concert I went to this past weekend and i've been meaning to "blog" about it ever since. I went to see Something Corporate at Clutch Cargo on Saturday night. And wow. It had been ages since I had been to a concert like that. And it sucked me in to say the least. It started at 4:30 pm. There were three opening bands, all but one kicked ass, and the other one.. well Jordan rocked it out with them. they were his favorite for some odd reason. which was weird. but funny. after the second band, Mae, which made me want to be a lead singer of a punk band myself, Jordan and I squeezed through the crowd, leaving Nic and Stephanie 'holding the fort' against the wall. At the center of it all... mere feet from the stage. Jordan and I couldn't stop laughing as we got shoved, lost our balance, and fought for our spot in the ocean of faces. At one moment's pause between songs, I reached over to him, grabbed his arm and said, "Is this one of those things that in five years we'll say 'remember when...'" He screamed back above the roar of the crowd "YES!" with a grin on his face. I'm really blessed by his friendship. And I often wonder how I would've made it through this semester without him.

After the opening bands played their last few sets, Something Corporate took the stage. By this time I had gotten very... "close" to those around me. There was this one guy who I knew from somewhere but couldn't seem to remember and we shared exhillerated happiness as the first song played. Sweat poured off everyone and the occasional spray of cold water from the second floor was like being showered with compliments, refreshing and arousing to the senses. They played all the songs I wanted to hear. The floor seemed to go up and down as we all jumped up and down in sync with one another. I felt like I was flying yards above the earth for a moment. I screamed out the lyrics I knew like the back of my hand and for a moment, during one of their slower songs, Konstantine, I stopped. I looked up. I stretched my hands in the air, bathed in the stage lights, music filling my ears, feeling the bass shoot through my body... the smooth tones reached straight into my heart. I felt free and alive. This was joy. To be with some of your closest and to be so close to strangers or friends from another life, another time when you were once so innocent. To be in the middle of a crowd that you were proud to be attached to, proud to be sweating with. And when a look from a friend is just about as exhillerating and meaningful as a look from the lead singer... It's a feeling I'll not soon forget. One that was completely unexpected. It felt like falling for the first time. And perhaps that's exactly what I did.