"Oh you should not rest between the elements of air and earth, but you should pity me."
I woke up yesterday exhausted and drained. My dreams lately have involved always chasing after something.. And never quite reaching it. So I wake up feeling unfulfilled, lost... empty. Wednesday morning was no different. I went to the coffeehouse and filled my cup in a daze and wandered back out in the snow and shuffled to class. The hour faded into a blur and I just remember looking out the window at the dark trees framed in a bright white-grey sky. I came back to my room briefly before heading to my next class. I did my usual ritual of checking e-mail and playing with my grandmother's black onyx ring while waiting for the pages to load. I checked the blog of a dear friend. There was a warning. It specifically said "If you're having a good day, don't read this.. because it will ruin your day." I read on anyway, because what do you do in a situation like that really? It detailed the story of a friend of a co-worker being murdered. Just a kid. Murdered by his father who had murdered his mother right before him. The father, who was drunk and on meth at the time, claimed that his family was trying to poison him. The dear friend of mine who was blogging told of his co-worker, a girl in high school who began to wear dark lipstick, got a tattoo in the honor of her dear friend who was murdered.. Immediately I started to cry and thought of Bryan. And it hurt. I called John (the blog's author) in tears. We talked for 5 minutes, because I had to go to class. But it was five minutes of calm... And I really felt his caring simply in the tone of his voice.

I sat through the next four hours of class void of emotion. Blank. The thoughts that raced through my head were thoughts I had let go of and never thought I'd think again. "When I counted up my demons. I saw there was one for everyday..."

I got read for riding in silence and plunged into the bitter cold. Riding served its purpose today. It was my solace, my friend. I rode Moe for a bit, in the hunt seat and it went alright. Then I switched to Phantom in a western saddle. I haven't rode western since Findlay. And Lora stated proudly as I jogged around the sawdust circle in the barn, "You haven't lost it Karen. You haven't lost it." I felt good and the first smile of the day escaped my lips. It got dark as the lesson drew to a close. Lora came up to me as I stopped to adjust my stirrups. She said softly, "Ever ridden in the snow?" I looked up at her. I know she knew how that day had just kicked my ass. I smiled and said, "Never." She opened the barn door and told me to go... I walked Phantom out timidly and Lora followed. She said, "Trust yourself and your horse. He won't let you down... Go all out, push him hard." I took a deep breath and adrenaline rushed through me. The snow glowed in blue tones in contrast to the dark sky and tiny glittering flakes that started to fall. I kicked Phantom softly in his belly and barely audibly said, "Cantor now, Phantom. Cantor now." He picked up his cue well. All of a sudden we were floating. The fluidity of motion, the snow being kicked up all around us... Wow. I grinned, I giggled, I squealed with delight. It was enchanting, symbolic... memorable. I felt like all the people I've lost in this life were looking down on me then. And it was such a spiritual moment. *sigh*

I got back from riding exhillerated and pumped. I took a 5 minute shower, grabbed a 5 minute dinner and ran down to the theater. I was in a great mood through rehearsal and the show is indeed coming along. After rehearsal I came home and talked to Paul on and off through the awesome MSU game. They won in overtime by one point in the last few seconds. And both A and I were freaking out. It was such a rush! I haven't been able to watch sports in so long. And I really should've been studying...

I studied for an hour, then got all punked out. Black eye make-up, cuffs, cords, the works. I wandered over to delt sig with Alisha and I enjoyed a drink or two with Kris and Ian. Kris listened closly as I talked about how crappy my day had been. Ian gave me the Flogging Molly cd to borrow. Some great Irish dancing was going on and I felt like what was a emotionally draining and terrible day was exchanged with life... beauty.

Alisha and I got back at about 1am and sat in our little living room and began to talk. All of the things we haven't had the guts to even tell one another we shared last night. We talked about the present and became honest with ourselves about the way our lives are now. And then we talked about the past and thought about the future. Somewhere in the middle of it all, we got on the subject of our friendship. To keep a long story short and to avoid attempting putting the indescribable to words... We cried. Not out of sadness, but joy. We sobbed at the thought of never knowing one another. We clung to the fact that we are family... we really are. And I'm so lucky to have her. I'm so lucky. And I'm so elated that so many others are starting to realize the true beauty and compassion she possesses.

We stayed up til 4am. Just being, not caring. Just talking, just letting so much out. And even though I woke this morning very tired, I felt like I had just had one of the greatest nights with my best friend.

Snow Day!!!
I don't have much time to blog this evening, so much work to do... damn.

But there are a couple things I would like to take note of at this moment in time...

I love living on the third floor of Seaton. Everytime I go down the stairs in the morning to go to class, it smells like boy. And not dirty, stinky boy. Fresh, cologned boy. It's altogether a pleasant scent.

Jordan officially gave me a "Jordan Saves the Day" card today. Kinda like monopoly. I'm saving it up for a day when my life is literally falling to pieces. Oh, don't worry. It will come.

Had a great night last night. Didn't get much sleep. :) But had pleasant conversation and accomplished what I needed to. And Captain Red Beard sails again...

Today was the first "snow day" of my collegiate career. And holy crap was it a fantastic day! And it really wasn't all that eventful. I think that's what made it so wonderful. I woke up and looked out the window. I was shocked. You couldn't even see across the street because of the thick, heavy snowfall. It was gorgeous. The dark, barren trees were already neatly outlined in white and cute Albionians were all bundled up, waddling across the quad. I bundled up myself and scurried out. I trudged through the white stuff with my portfolio down to the theater, preparing myself for the inevitable presentation to come. I got down there and it was silence. Each office was locked with a photocopied note on the door that said, "Classes for 1/27 have been CANCELLED." I smiled softly and blinked my eyelashes, caked in melting snowflakes. I tiptoed back out into the drifts and wandered home. Alisha had already gone to class. I proceeded to put on pjs. I was going to do homework. I was going to study. I was going to get so much accomplished in my day off.

Well, I put in my Amelie dvd, curled up in my big fluffy comforter on the couch and I sighed. I couldn't help but smile. I watched the snow gently falling, I lit a candle and watched one of my favorite movies. Needless to say, I dozed off into pleasant slumber and woke up about halfway through the movie to a knock on the door. Kyle walked in, took off his coat, grabbed a blanket and sat in the recliner. Soon to follow was Alisha, caked in snow from head to toe, got in her pjs and crawled into her bed. We all watched the end of the movie together and then all crammed onto A's bed, giggling and just enjoying each other's company. It was a great afternoon. Nothing accomplished, but I feel great still because of it.

however, slightly feeling the void.

crossing my fingers for another snow day tomorrow, but I doubt I'll be that lucky. we shall see.... :)

Song of the Day: "Shiver" by Coldplay

"Imagine all the ways
we walk in and out
of others' lives. Imagine
the footprints we leave
where we thought
we'd never tread again.
Imagine the way our
touch leaves prints
and every inkmark where
we've traveled is a
signature of who we are."

I left up an away message today that eluded to me being tired, this day being really long and me needing good news. Someone dear and wonderful left this message for me...

"You are, without a doubt, the most wonderful person in the history of people. I miss you so much :)"

Thank you. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. :)

My delt sigs have been taking such good care of me lately. I stopped by the house on Friday night and they set me up on the futon with a big pillow and blanket. We watched movies and I fell asleep. They just let me sleep. And just the way that they know when something's bothering me. They ask right away how they can fix it. They don't just "let it go." I'm important to them. I'm their family "sweetheart." It's so nice to be wanted and cared for. I only hope that everyone can feel that.

I think the fact that I'm in intro to western religions is a good thing. I'm learning a surprising amount. It's allowing me to examine and question the faith I've held relatively unquestioned for my entire life. And I like that. Also, the fact that today my teacher referred to Freud as a "blow monkey" and gave us an assignment about a religion that based its beliefs off of visions of the Fonze from Happy Days... haha, *shakes head* oh, Mourad, you crack me up.

Went up to State with Aud on Saturday. Had an amazing time. Relaxing, exciting, fun... I think if I can spare a moment to sit still, I may really journal about it (sorry, blog, some things prefer to be written out). all the ACTF folks are still alive and kicking, worrying about auditions for "Into the Woods" and I got to meet Bubba, the dog. A really fat British Bullgdog who farts, burps, humps your leg.. the works. What a fun dog to have around. The night included a gathering around a warm fire, the "If" book, great company, cards, and smiles. :) Came away enlightened, with oldies stuck in my head, a love of coconuts, a huge grin, a new appreciation for Dragon Ball Z, a new faith in myself, and an admittance of the fact that I'm an actor; first and forever no matter how much I pretend that I'm something else. It was a nice break. I didn't really deserve a break but I took one anyway. I needed it. And I feel much better now. Can't wait to head back up there again soon.

Margaret put on a movie in Mass Comm today to take it easy on her Media Econ class. She turned off all the lights in the windowless classroom and left us all in there for two hours. With a documentary. In less than 5 minutes we were all out. I picked my head up momentarily about halfway through the movie and looked around. Everyone was asleep in various positions on the uncomfy, tiny wooden desks. It was hilarious. And all of a sudden I feel a lot closer to that class. Funny how that works. So I giggled my way through the rest of the day with a spiral notebook imprint on my right cheek. :D

Rehearsal kicks ass and so does the coffeehouse. But both are givens I suppose. :)

Currently listening to some killer Ben Folds and getting ready to attack some crazy homework tonight (hooray for a theater history project due tomorrow that I haven't even started yet!)

too schmoopy to be my away message, so i guess i'll put it here.. (i was inspired by watching my room mate on the phone with Iz)

Isn't it funny to watch people in love... the way their whole demeanor and outlook on life change when they pick up the phone and hear their strength on the other end of the line. the smile, the pink cheeks, the giggles; even the tone of voice gets lighter, more at ease. I only wish to live my life as lovers do, see the beauty in simple words and glances. Everything is brighter and even more captivating when you're in love and imagine if we all saw the world like that...

stupid snow...

my background on my computer has been the same for a few months now. It's a black screen with a 4x6 black and white photo in the middle. I have an art website, for those who don't know. I post my photos, paintings, charcoals, and creative writing there. It's a network of artists called the Art Conspiracy and I got my background photo from one of my favorite photographers on the AC... It's titled "The Void." It's a picture of a swing set in the middle of a vast open space outside. A girl in a scarf and black coat is sitting on one of the swings looking to the left. And the swing to her right is vacant. The beauty of the photograph is that the focus of it is the swing set, not the girl or the background... The blank vancancy beside her. I stare at it a lot. I feel like her sometimes. Often. And that's why it will probably stay where I can see it most often, behind this very window that I'm typing in.

i went sledding in the 1 degree weather last night. only went down the hill twice. took a big risk going down the really steep side on the third time, crashing into the street. my frozen face giggled hysterically. and the view at the top of the hill was priceless. and the silence was deafening and painful. but the company was good. it was indeed.

recovered from the crisis and have just kinda given up. i'm doing to much this semester, it's inevitable now. and i think that through it all, i'll manage to stay afloat and happy. i know no other way to do it.

"Don't study too hard, lest you forget the things you really need to know..." - Tom, my photographer and a very wise man.

stupid snow...

my piano teacher is an airhead...

it's funny when you can tell that everyone was wasted last night. i saw three "wet floor" cones on the way out this morning. one on carpet, one in the middle of the staircase and the other on cement outside the door... oh, albion.

The coffeehouse is the coolest place on earth. And I am a cynical nonconformist bastard for the rest of the day after i work there, haha. i was going to drop some of my hours there, but alas i could not. it's just way too much fun.

As I made my way to an empty booth by myself at lunch the other day, I walked past a big round table. At it sat one boy. He was very athletic looking with abercrombie sweatshirt and adidas pants. His broad shoulders leaned gracefully over the food in front of him. He closed his eyes a moment and folded his hands in his lap... praying. I don't know why but this really caught my attention. And I remember thinking, "would you say one for me please?"

I called my mother last night on the way home from delt sig on the rocks. She told me two pieces of news. Jazz and Lori are engaged. I cried. Not because I was happy. She doesn't deserve him. He is my brother's room mate and I love him as if he was another brother to me. But alas, it is his choice.

She also said that my brother was in Arizona training for Iraq in February. He sleeps on hard dirt floors and flys bite him all night. He hardly sleeps and has heavy artillery training during the day. My mother said that the sound in his voice greatly resembled mine last night. She said she found it odd that her eldest and youngest go through the same phases of emotion at the same time. And that despite our sadness, overwhelmed, exhauted tones, she can hear the hope in each of us. Ron's going through so much more than I am though. I'm just a small echo of his large, strong voice. I miss my brother. And I don't want him to go. Everytime he leaves, I feel like it's for the last time.

i just want to fly to the moon and play amongst the stars...

A mini crisis...
Well, bloggie, aside from a mini crisis yesterday, I'm doing well. Well, I'm better now, we'll leave it at that. I guess all those things on my plate, yeah they all hit me yesterday and I freaked out. What was I thinking? I have so much to do and no time at all to do it. And people keep telling me to have fun and relax and I want to but that just makes the list of things to do longer. Last night I rode for the first time since before break. It felt so good to get up on a horse again. Phantom treated me well. He had a lot of energy last night and I could tell he was just as excited as I was to be free and riding hard. I got on Knight and things fell apart. That horse, I swear. If I didn't love him so much I'd probably never want to ride him again. We fell together though, so I feel like we have a history or something. But last night, when I was on him, everything went wrong. And the fact I hadn't ridden in more than a month caught up with me. I couldn't keep my knees up, my feet weren't positioned correctly and I just couldn't get my body to ride the way I told it to. Then I went to the meeting. *sigh* All these people do is ride horses and I'm sorry, but I have a life outside of horses and I hate it when they make me feel bad for that. If I didn't love it so much... I swear. It's kinda like Knight. We've been through a transition together, I can't just leave now.

My days are getting longer and the hefty load I've taken on has started to hit... When you don't have time to eat all day.. it wears on you.

But theater... Theater couldn't be better. That is a reason to get up in the morning. I called my mom in giddy excitement on Tuesday night after my first rehearsal. I feel compitent around one of my most respected professors and and directors. He makes me feel strong in my art. And I completely forgot what a rush being a show is and how great it feels to be a lead. And Shakespeare... If I ever own a horse, I'm naming him Shakespeare. That text just makes me feel so alive and so intelligent. I mean, I actually understand it! :) Rehearsals are long and exhausting but I feel energized when I'm done. THAT is why I love theater. And if this play doesn't get me through everything else going on, nothing else will. I may deny it, but yeah... theater is my passion. *shrugs* there's no other way to put it really.

Well time to go read Oedipus for the fourth time. And media econ... aka, death and taxes!!! hopefully going up to State w/ Audrey this weekend to revist ACTF memories! yay! hang in there, crew! and thanks for all of your kind, gentle words of encouragement here and there. I really sincerely appreciate it! :)

So I just got out of the shower and I was changing (ok boys, no getting all excited, this isn't a great story like that, sorry). As I put on my underwear, I laughed. It was the boy underwear I bought last year the day I met my room mate. Yes, I met my room mate, my dear Alisha on a day when we were all pissed off at the world. We went shopping in Jackson and all bought boy underwear at meijers... Sorry, that was way random, but that's something I'll never forget. Because on that day, I found my dearest friend. And I've got three pairs of guys undies to prove it. haha. :)

First read through for Twelfth Night kicked ass. Everyone really fits well together. For those who were wondering, I'm Viola. My first mainstage lead, and what a great play to make an entrance on! I'm so excited. The cast has a energy and chemistry that I know will make this show shine. And even the director said that in his five years of directing Shakespeare, he thought we were the best group he's ever recieved to direct... :) This is going to be great.

Did homework all day and still finishing odds and ends. Vacation is now officially over and it's back to the books tomorrow. So, lo siento if I don't blog for a few days or if they are very brief. The insane busy-ness begins now. *sigh* but my evening was relaxing enough despite the work and I even got to go for a little walk to clear my thoughts and smile a bit. Hope everyone's keeping their heads up, because that's really all you can do when things start to go sour and life starts to get overwhelming.

Some ACTF 2004 Memories... brought to you by the silly one :-p
~Road tripping it with heather in the Jeep with that window that whistles when you're on the highway. Singing and dancing to hip hop and giggling about all the stories we haven't shared all semester. I got closer with Heather on this trip and we had a few quality heart to hearts. That was damn cool.
~Gary, Indiana. Where Heather pointed out the obvious fact (very loudly I might add) that we were the only white people in Mc Donalds. We got hit on by some guys at the gas station who wanted us to "take them home to California" (Heath's from Cali and her license plate says so). Oh, and it took 3 gas stations to finally get gas. The first pumped way too slow, the second didn't pump at all and the third was "just right." Heather left her gas cap at gas station #2 and I had to run across the street and get it with only a scarf to keep me warm. haha, man o man.
~Planning a detour to JP's in Chicago on the way home. And listening to him try not to get excited about it. Too bad we didn't get to actually do it. Too much snow and Heather had to be back in time for a meeting and we got a late start. Damnit. It was sure fun to plan and think about though.
~Getting stuck in traffic at the toll booth and moving about a half a mile in an hour. Almost did some chinese fire drills around the car we were getting so antsy. But more time for Heath and I to talk, so it was all worth it really.
~Room 242. Overlooking the pool/lounge area. That railing outside where I sat when I was on my cell phone sharing news. Getting to know the froshies a little better, especially Ally.
~Singing to Alisha Keys in the pool room of the other hotel during the compitition while Heater and I just sat around.
~Waiting. A lot of the waiting actually was a good thing and some of the best moments of the trip were spent "waiting" for something.
~Accidently turning on the player piano right after everyone had been "shushed" in the hall outside the compitition rooms... turning bright red and hiding in my scarf and hat.
~Getting back to the room at 1pm on wednesday... and laying around with everyone crammed onto two beds, napping and watching tv until really late that night... Nothing like lazing about to bring a group closer :)
~Heather talks in her sleep. This I know now.
~Fazoli's. And finding out the cast for Twelfth Night. The look Chelsea gave me knowing she was going to be Olivia. The way we both could hardly contain ourselves from calling the world!
~My mom's reaction to the news. And the reactions of certain others...
~Plague of Angels and Metamorphoses... Can we say kick ass plays? And a pool on stage. I'm way jealous.
~Braden Auditorium. Someday I'll perform in a place like that. It was huge. holds 3000 and everything about it is magical. Metamophoses there simply took my breath away and all I wanted to do was tell everyone about it.
~Hooters on Hershey Street. My first hooters experience and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a great time with the group there, especially audrey turning bright red and the boys stumbling when they ordered.
~The Fort in Room 402. And Thursday Night when everyone went to sleep and me an heather went out for a walk only to be grabbed by some folks who said, "you have to see this!"
~The guest book from the fort. All those crazy Western Illinois folks. Heather's "famous guy" and us holding up the end of the fort for about an hour. Meeting that crazy Canadian kid who turned out to only be 15.
~Making new MSU friends who I cannot WAIT to go visit. Learning how to play Euchre while sipping a beer poolside. Meeting some Irish folks and showing them my mad Irish dancing skills.
~Getting silly with Audrey. I really miss that.
~A little gift. A surprise. A book. One I can't wait to read. A key to a soul.
~Remembering ACTF last year. Counting the differences. There were so many. Some moments of last year I really miss and others I'd rather forget. But the people from last year, those who have gone on to persue their lives.. I miss them immensely.
~Adventures with Bob and the rest of the MSU crew... towels on the rain soaked pavement so we didn't get our socks wet, chilling out on the floor in the hallway, going through the fort backwards on night number two and giggling when people remembered me from the night before.
~Quoting Shakespeare at 7:30 am.
~A sink full of ice and other things... Oh Albion Theater, you are all so wonderful.
~Singing duets with Mike Bohne including Ben Folds songs and "And So it Goes" by Billy Joel. What a lovely human being he is. He also said that I didn't look like Freddy Crugar in my new striped shirt, which makes him the coolest.
~Talking to a little boy at Carlos O'Kellys (the mexican cafe that sounds a little Irish too, eh?)... He made me think of Bryan and really miss him, because he was so excited to start Karate lessons. I forgot how youth simply excites you. You can't help but smile, laugh and grin around little kids. He has a crush on a girl named Maddie who screams everytime she sees him. Good luck with that, dear. Girls grow up eventually. Or at least that's what I'm told.
~That guy who taught the physical theater workshop. He was so passionate about his work. That made me extremely jealous. And it made me wonder, what the hell am I doing? I need to be an actress. Oh, he dropped his pants too, to display the "pants around the ankles" syndrom. Nothing like a guy in his fifties half naky in tighty whities to wake you up in the morning... EWW!!
~Being forgiven for something. I don't even remember what it was or why I apologized... But I remember being forgiven.
~Finally! Someone who understands the passion that even I am running away from.
~Knowing that I was missed. It's always nice to know that you are cared enough for that you are missed, even when you're only gone a few days.
~Outback. Steak. Mmmm.
~Seeing Aaron again after 3 years, right before he went into the room to compete. He kissed me on the cheek and said how proud of me he was that I was keeping with theater and persuing my dreams... if he only knew. i didn't have the heart to tell him. and that's something that's still been on my mind ever since.
~Starko being all fatherly and my finally learning to laugh it off and tell him, "You know what dad, you can't always tell me what to do. You have to let me go sometime."
~Knowing that my belief in someone really can help. It really means something. Finally I know that my faith in people is something really appreicated. And that's so nice to know.
~People driving REALLY badly! I mean, come on Starko! A stop sign and driving into opposing traffic, having to drive over an island to get back into the correct lane! haha... *rolls eyes* and you wonder why I only rode with Mike the whole time.
~Singing to the Lion King in the Jeep on the way back from a show with Heather, Amy and Alexis. Who needs alcohol or drugs really? theater people are already weird enough, lol.
~Escaping for a little while. In more ways that one. It was nice to get away from reality, even though I didn't have too much of it before we left. It makes me alright with being sucked back into it now.
~Toasting knives at Outback and singing and dancing outside while we were waiting. People may doubt me, but I really do love Albion Theater people. Even if I go off on my own sometimes, I really do love you guys. And your smiles and tender concern are priceless gifts. Thank you for a great time in Illinois. Can't wait til next year! :)

Back from Illinois... Refreshed and Calm... Now isn't that strange?
I've decided to start keeping another journal. A written journal for those secret thoughts I can't share with all of you. The thoughts reserved only for me. I mean, I do have one and I do use it from time to time, but I'd like to make it more of a habit. That's on my to-do list for this semester. Amongst EVERYTHING else in creation.

ACTF was in Normal, Illinois this year. Starko's good ol' alma mater, Illinois State University. To be completely honest, I didn't really want to go especially as the date of departure arrived. I felt sick, tired and overwhelmed. Going away and not going to the entire first week of class just seemed excessive and unecessary; not to mention probably a mistake considering how this semester's going to kick my ass. But I decided to screw everyone and just go, vacations are good and it would be a chance to spend some quality time w/ Heath and the theater people who I unfortunantly didn't see much of last semester. Following the blog will be a list of some select memories from the trip. Let's just say that I was really glad I went. I learned a lot, I had a GREAT time and I came home feeling... complete, happy, ready for the hell ahead. A passer by asked what this semester would bring me. I replied in a list of activities and my grueling daily schedule. She replied, "Don't you think that's a little too much to put on your plate?" I replied quitely with a coy smile, "Pass me the knife and fork then. Bring it on." Let's see how long this calm assurance lasts...

I got an e-mail from an old friend today. It's funny how table turn and now he's the one apologizing for something I used to do constantly. I guess we're all just growing up.

Tonight I got back to an elated room mate full of stories about the past week. We ate Chinese food for dinner with Denise and Becca. And we all had a really good laugh. Those are necessary from time to time. Then with full stomachs, A and I curled up to watch a movie. Well... Within the first 5 minutes I was out for the count. She shook me awake at 10:15 to see if I wanted to go sledding. I sleepily said hell yes.

We bundled up and headed out with our lunch trays, garbage bags and one saucer sled. Victory Park was lit softly by street lamps and the hill was slick and perfect for sledding. After a couple spills and minor injuries (but lots and lots of screaming laughter) we made our way, rosy cheeked, back to campus. We stopped by delt sig to say hello to Ian and Kyle. Ian cut his hair! holy moses! :-p And Kyle was sadly ill with a migraine. We returned home and now, after a pleasant night of talking with people online and revelling in each others newfound company, alisha and i are ready to call it quits... granted it is 3:30am. haha. more to come tomorrow when i'm less sleepy. :) good night moon...

Part of the way through the first day and somehow remaining calm...
So, I forgot "echo" by Incubus was on my Happy Music playlist and it's been forever since I've heard this song. And it brought back memories. Great memories of dancing and silly duets. And it made me relax and smile, both always good.

Western Religions class is going to kick ass. This I know. All others are in question (because I haven't gone to any of them yet... class from 1-5pm in the same building... sound familiar?)

Ok, I'm going to go eat now. Sorry for the short, rather uneventful post. But I liked it. :)

Back in Albion, back to work, back to real life...
After a couple days of driving up and settling in, things are relatively back to normal. Classes start tomorrow morning and I have no clue how I'm going to make it through this semester alive... My classes are all full of crap and I'm just hoping that the syllabi won't be as terrible as I envision. But alas, we shall see.

My "out" experience was to go see Big Fish and make some fudge at midnight. It was nice to get out of the house, even if it was into the bitter night air. Because right then (as I'm sure you all read) I really needed to leave. The Birmingham Theater was the destination and Big Fish was the movie. I had heard from A that it was a really good movie so I was ready for smething pleasant. It was a fantastic movie. And I giggled at my holes in my jeans and the lack of space around me in the theater. It was packed. The movie was beautiful. I'd go off on it, the philisophical and spiritual connection and meaning I found in it but that would be annoying to read and perhaps even take away from the experience itself if I tried to put it to words. Lets just say I was touched. For the first time in a long time, by a movie. And I cried. Yep, kiddos, I cried a movie. Too many tears in one day for me it seems.

Someone told me that they really liked my cheeks. One of the things I really hate about myself. But they loved them.

I made fudge that night. It was 12:30 when I got in from the movie. But I told my mom I'd make it so I did. And I smiled a lot that night. It's hard to put to words. And sadly, I felt completely different about going back to school... All of a sudden I felt like I was leaving so much behind.

Saturday I sleepily packed up the car, took care of a couple last odds and ends and departed for dear old Albion. I arrived at 3ish and I unpacked everything and threw it in the room. Then my parents and I went out to eat. My mom quietly said how fast this break went and how much she would miss me. That made my heart ache a little. Part of me wanted to just go back home.

That night I realized how much I truly missed my sister. I went to delt sig with Alisha that night to "party" and catch up with all the boys. It was our one night of freedom before classes and the craziness that is school began. Alisha wasn't feeling well. And I could tell she was ready to head home. I hung out with the boys a bit, got to catch up with Kyle and Ian and then I remembered that I had to find out how Kath's trip to Marquette went. And a little phone call turned into a 45 minute conversation in the old computer lab room on the third floor. I missed her so much. And I called her later that night again. Talked to her for another half hour or so... She calms me down, she enlightens me and gives me the best advice. How blessed I am to have such a sister as my own.

Alisha and I rearranged our room. That was an all afternoon activity saturday. And after some pulled muscles, headaches and lost tempers our room was back in order. Hours later, our room looked beautiful and we laughed as I made an analogy of our room to a mullet... "business in the front and party in the back." (beds/desks in front, open space w/ tv and fridge in back)

I've been enjoying my time back with my room mate. I missed her immeasureably and her kind, calm and rational thinking (while I'm in the midst of freaking out about something). It's going to be a long semester workwise, so if I just stop blogging for a while don't be surprised. :-p

ACTF is coming up fast. We leave Tuesday at 2pm. gone til Sunday. all girls except Mike, so this oughta be interesting. oh, and none of us are prepared at all for theatrical compitition. and we could care less. ha.

I miss my horsies. I hope I get to see them and ride them soon.

Losta folks are back from study abroad and I got to see Andy and Sean today after being without them nearly a year. It's been rough, I've certainly missed those two. Speakingof missing, a surprise visit from Miss Kraly today kicked serious ass... man, that girl. I love her to death. And everytime I see her I go on a black binge and that's all i wear for at least a week. *dark side love* Laura, it was GREAT to see you :).

I auditioned for Twelfth Night tonight under the idea that I "didn't care." Especially after finding out what this semester has in store academically. I'd really like to be in this show. But I understand the blessing of having the extra time. So... we shall just see shant we. I kinda want to be in it. But you knew that already.

So here we go.. Another huge semester. Another huge undertaking. Am I ready? Probably not. But am I ever ready really? *sigh* Well here goes, good thoughts, happy thoughts and memories from break and otherwise will keep me going, this I am sure. Alright, to bed with me, early registration in the morning and a week in Illinois... *smile* i just need to have a little faith in my energy and not let it run off without me.

Using my blog as a therapist...Tonight I cried because of my father for the first time in what feels like years. And really, it's been at least about several months since he's caused me to cry. Our relationship has gradually been improving ever since I went to college. It's like now all of a sudden I'm a scholar, now all of a sudden I'm intellegent or something.

Why exactly the tears came tonight is still unsure. He was proofreading a letter I was sending out to request a sponsor ship for the equestrian team. I guess I've just been away so long I forgot what it was like to be corrected by him. He tore me down, like everything I wrote wasn't good enough. He said that I've always been to wordy and artsy for business which makes him wonder how well I'll do in the real world. I mean, I know all he wants is my success. That's what he's always wanted and I've realized that more lately than when I was younger. But all of his words and harsh tones threw me back into my youth when he told me I shouldn't be an actress but that may be all I'm really good at.

It was like reopening a wound. It hurt like hell and I found myself screaming into my pillow as tears cascaded. The silence I had held up, the feelings I had recovered from, even forgotten resurfaced. And it hurt. And now all I want to do is leave. So maybe it's good this happened knowing I'm going back to Albion tomorrow. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not going to be at home for another few months. I can forget again. I can see him beam with pride at my equestrian compititions and forget all this. *sigh* maybe.

I'm going out for now though. And my mom was all like, "Don't stay out late," which also made me miss being away to make my own decisions about when is "too late" to stay out. But out I go. Where I don't know. But out, damnit, out.

So when you start talking to yourself when no one's around you know you've really lost it... yeah, i've lost it. and i can't stop laughing. i'm crazy, really. and all of a sudden all i want to do is build stuff out of coffee cups. sorry for this random outburst. it will never happen again. right firefly? right! *rolls eyes and run away*

that list you've all been waiting for... (because now i have time to type it)

The lessons I learned this past semester...
(some may still come in the future, the more i reflect on things so bear with me.. i may post more later. oh!! *AND* a lot of these were written very "in the moment" of certain events. So if you're going to take any of them personally, don't even bother reading the list. i won't hate you if you don't, so don't worry :)

Okay, here goes...
~ You don't get to go back and make a decision again. If you wait, life will pass you by. So get it right the first time.
~ We are not immortal. And only the good die young. Some losses will never be recovered. Some holes in hearts will never disappear. But God (or whatever entity you believe in)will send you little treasures to help you through it.
~ You will find love and comfort in the most unexpected eyes, faces, and words.
~ Broadening your horizons is a good thing. But the more people you learn to care about, the more people you can't help but love, the more often you hurt.
~ Lesson in question: Honesty is the best policy.
~ The coffee house is more that just a place... It's a feeling. One I'll not soon forget.
~ Don't knock it til you've tried it. Anything.
~ It's okay if you don't remember as long as someone does and reminds you so you can look back and laugh.
~ People who touched you once will always hold a piece of your heart. Often a piece you'll never get back. Often a piece you want them to keep.
~ Distance can be your greatest ally. Or your worst nightmare. It varies from day to day.
~ Following your heart is the path to fulfillment, but actually hearing what it is your heart is telling you is often a very difficult undertaking.
~ Some of the best nights I spent were talking with my room mate until we fell asleep, not remembering how the conversation ended. Time just stands still when we're together.
~ Beauty is deceiving and subjective. A good heart is not.
~ Sometimes people make decisions you know will hurt them. Sometimes you can stop it, but other times you just have to let them go.
~ Sitting alone while you eat doesn't have to be a depressing and lonely experience. Even though it often feels that way.
~ Letting go of something you love, something that truly excites you will never get any easier.
~ Never eat mass amounts of peanut butter in the middle of the night. You will surely smile at the time and make those around you giggle, but you will wake up with a terrible stomach ache.
~ Waiting in the wings is okay. And patience is a necessary virtue.
~ If you focus on your blessings instead of your losses, the key to happiness is in there somewhere.
~ Blood isn't the only thing that defines family.
~ Absence only makes the heart grown fonder in appropriate moderation.
~ The feeling of riding a horse while the sun is setting peacefully over the horizon or when the snow is gently falling all around.. is indescribable and beyond compare.
~ Change is never easy and never impossible.
~ Your limits are defined by you alone and no one else.
~ Only in trying new things will you ever lead a life with no regrets.
~ Life seldom turns out the way you so carefully planned...
~ The heart is fragile. Handle with care.
~ When it rains, it pours. This relates to things both good and bad.
~ People catch you by surprise if you let them. Beauty is found and blindness melts away.
~ Whether it takes a few seconds or a few hours, if you pull the string, the light in the closet WILL turn on.
~ The worry and all the drama are never worth it. Never.
~ Giving up is for sissies. But we all have to be weak sometime.
~ Through the storm you do not walk alone. And heavy rains bring forth new life.
~ Procrastination is the key to time well spent.
~ Some of life's greatest memories are framed in falling snow.
~ The best things in life come when you aren't looking for them. And when you are comfortable with who you are, all alone and exposed that's when those good things come.

well shit...:)
Just got in from downtown Royal Oak. The Comedy Castle kicked ass and Paul and I sat right up front and every comedian talked to Paul and embarassed the hell out of him. It was great! And the first comedian who came back each time to introduce the others kept talking about how pretty I was and flirting with me. It was hilarious. I ran into Val in Caribou which was a blast from the past. Brought back memories of hawaii and high school. I miss that girl and all my other friends from that trip, that was a great time. I called my sister and left her an insanely long voice mail that went on about the evening and how much i missed her and hanging out without her there just wasnt the same. Now I'm just trying to figure out what the hell to do now. It's only 11pm and I'm not tired at all. Damn latte. THAT made me miss the coffeehouse up at school like no other. Part of me really wants to stick around here for at least another week and part of me can't wait to get back home to Albion... Seems I have no choice.. One more day of break, then it's back to my middle of nowhere town with some of the best people this state has to offer. But good God did I have a kick ass winter break. This one enters the record books, that's for sure! :)

love, Psycho-pants :D

That big long update I promised...
Well, the past few days have been... wow, insanity! I can't even begin to go into everything so I guess I'll just throw out some highlights so when I read this when I'm 80 I'll remember what a great time this Winter Break was. haha. man, I can't even imagine what I'm going to be like when I'm 80, but I tell ya, I'm still going to be climbing mountains, riding horses and giving all those around me a run for the money.. ;) yeah, you know it!

I got my photos taken for my next comp saturday... It was great hangin out with Tom taking photos again. That guy cracks me up and we always ahve a great time chilling. So heads up modeling world, this girl's on her way to break the mold and scare everyone away... yeah that's probably a bad thing. haha.

Much later saturday night was the reunion of the the delt sig crew. And oddly enough, I was the only girl invited. We all met at Kris' that evening. Kyle, out of the blue, came in from K-zoo for the party, Ian came in all the way from Marshall, and Jason left being stuck at Albion all break behind to see us. The five of us happily rejoiced in each other's company and I was reminded of something Parker said to me when we talked about New Years and he spent his with Albion folk too. He said, "Isn't funny how we count the days til break to get away from Albion and go home.. and all we want to do during break is see all the people we left behind."

After some dinner and some Family Guy, we went to Mr. B's in town. We playfully spent 3 or 4 hours crunched in a booth, screaming over the loud noise, burning fingers trying to put out matches (because yours truly is a pyro), and the boys getting a huge kick out of me being disgusted by their fraternity stories. Butts in faces, naked runs, beatings and getting beaten, and incidents in the shower... haha, man, my boys, my boys. *shakes head and laughs* Sometime during the evening when we were all laughing so hard we could barely breathe and Kyle was trying to help my fingers stop hurting Kris stood up and announced that I was the official family sweetheart. :) I was truly touched (even if he was a little intoxicated). Everyone at the table agreed heartily and they offered to sing me their sweetheart song. Sometimes I wonder how someone as awkward and unsure as me could mean so much to them. But when I think about it... I smile. They each take such good care of me and don't think a party or get together is complete without me. And that's a really good feeling. To be a part of something and to be appreciated.

The next day (sunday for those keeping track) I heard the good news that Jess made it through the night okay and was out of the hospital. (she had a pretty bad asthma attack the night before) But she is all well and good to those who were worried! :)

Also on Sunday, I attacked somerset later with Kyle. He made me try on everything I saw that I remotely liked and he belongs there... I mean, that's his type of place. We gushed at Crate and Barrel and I had one of those moments that I couldn't wait to have my own house to decorate it. But I'm gonna have to be insane rich with the type of taste I have in furniture and interior design. We also enjoyed a chair massage at the Sharper Image and could barely get up. It was a great time, like it always is. It blizzarded the rest of the day and took Kyle 8 hours to get home (that he saw as an adventure) and I enjoyed the beautiful snowfall.

The next few days were packed with activities with my sister and her nearest and dearest. Monday morning, Kath and I woke up early, went and picked up Paul and went to the park to go sledding. Sledding. Something youthful, playful and fun. Something I haven't done in nearly 8 years. Kathie even had to buy a few sleds because we didn't have our old ones anymore. the hill was huge and since it was a monday mornin and all children were back at school, we had the hill all to ourselves. The three of us flew down the hill and truged back up for two hours. We got into a huge snowball fight to which I failed. Brutally. hehe, yeah JP, see I'm not as good as I always say ;). It was the gloves, i swear! We started going down in tandum, all attached by linked arms on our little saucers. The first two times were successful, but the last time... Well wipe out would be putting it lightly. Halfway down the hill, Paul flew off his saucer and went flying head first into a snow drift, kath then followed, flipping over. I was the only one still on my saucer at the bottom laughing my ass off. It was fantastic, uninterrupted childish fun. The best kind. :)

Monday night brought on the bowling championship of the world! ha. We met at Paul's appartment that evening and hung out for an hour or so until Bobby arrived. We all left and went bowling someplace on the rough side of town. But it was a good time regardless. Six of us crammed into a liberty and giggled at Ewing dancing in the front seat, bustin a move the whole way there. We split into teams of 3 and the bowling commenced. Kath and I would always go together in seperate lanes and it was so nice just hanging out with my sister and all her friends. Their competitive nature showed through as we bowled and it was good that we were all at about the same skill level, so no one felt like crap at the end of the night. Although I do think I was the worst, but you know me, i don't give a shit about that kinda stuff. I kept doing my British accent all night and my sister and the guys couldn't stop laughing at it. See, this is what my acting training is for. Being silly. :) At one point in the second game, we were all getting silly, Kath and I decided to granny bowl it together. We did and both got a strike! At the same time!!! My sister ran over and hugged me. And she looked so beautiful that night. It's funny how much we used to hate each other growing up and how now she is my best friend. On the way home, we all kareoked loudly to anything that was on the radio (even if we didn't know the song at all). We got back to the apartments and the boys made Kath and I unwillingly do some snowangels at 3:30 am. We got into the car and laughed as Paul was dancing up the walkway and totally bit it! :-p ahh, silly boys. hehe.

Destination Tuesday: Canada
Tuesday Kath and I went to the gym during the day to work out. Paul was working and we giggled as we talked about the night before. Rumor had it we'd all be going to Canada that night, my first time to Windsor just to hang out. Paul said he was still all for it and that Ewing was all about it too. I sat at the front desk after I was done working out and pretended I worked there and three people mistaked me for kath. It was great. :-p Later that night, Kath and I got in the car and made our way out to the apartments... again. Oh, it never ends. heehee. As we hung out at the apartment, people just kept showing up. We were going to take one car but we were forced to take two so many random people wanted to go to Windsor. Paul and Ewing came and so did Ali and Cynthia. We all hopped in the car, hoping our lack of identification would get us into canada and also get us back. Otherwise it would certainly be an adventurous night indeed. :-p We made it across alright, exchanged some money and headed to Patrick O'Ryans. Now I've always wanted to go there ever since I heard of it. It was an Irish pub with Irish music, wooden tables and great atmosphere. And they didn't lie. Wow! I sang with the band and got to Irish dance for everyone in the bar. It was awesome!!! And some cute old men in the corner (probably regulars since it was only a tueday night) called me over. I went over to them and they asked in a lazy Irish accent where I took my lessons. I blushed and we talked for a moment. They said I was very talented and I couldn't help but beam with pride. Next stop was the Crazy Horse (no, not the strip club, kyle!!! :-p) a kareoke club. We all took turns busting some music moves. We sang piano man loud and off key and Kath and I did our duet of "Foolish Games" by Jewel. Singing with my sister. On a stage. And having her hug me when we were done... The feeling was amazing. And it's crazy how much closer she and I have gotten since I've been home for break. After some mad kareoke, we wandered out into the chilly air to Peppers and ended the evening at this very cool dance club. We all danced and I thoroughly embarassed myself when I felt bad that two guys were dancing together, so I grabbed Kathie and got them to dance with us... Um, yeah they were gay. And I'm an idiot. haha. At 2am, we left and headed back to the states still smiling and laughing at the events of the evening. We got back in with no problem at all and we went back to the apartments for a quick game of jenga (to which i lost... i mean you play with a civil and two architects a structural-based game, you're going to lose) kath and I walked into our back door as quietly as we could manage at 4:30am. Wow. Now that's what I call a memorable night indeed.

Yesterday and today have just been recovery mostly from the abundant adventures. Kath left for Marquette this morning to go see Luke and it's crazy how much I already miss her. I was supposed to go with her but I have too much to get together before school. I'm going to the Comedy Castle with Paul tonight to check out the 8 o'clock show and hopefully get in some laughs together before I head back to school on saturday.

People are still being rediculous and I'm still as confused as I was yesterday, but life is good. And the memories I've made these past few days will last a lifetime. It's hard sometimes to look back on a few days and see only the good and that's really where I'm at. It's wonderful.

um, yeah so I planned on a big long update on the events of the past few days, but honestly, I'm spent.. and my bed is looking way comfy. so i'll get a good long post in tomorrow hopefully, so you all can be enlightened and regaled by the many tales I have to tell... if you're really all that interested. which if you're not, i honestly don't blame you. but you clicked the link, so it's your fault. :^D hee-hee!

Status: mucho confused, but enjoying myself none-the-less. i'm tired, but only because i've been having way too good a time lately. looking forward to getting back to school, but not the insane amounts of work this semester will surely bring. *shakes head* some people are still getting a kick out of making me hurt as much as they do.. at least i think that's the way my sisters phrased it, i don't really remember. but life is good, gosh darn it. and inspiration and motivation are certainly flowing over here...

Song: something Irish. maybe Bar Room Hero by Flogging Molly. or that song kath is obsessed with dancing to when she goes out, the one she had a great time with last night.. hehe.

more to come in the 'morrow! keep smiling and staying strong!

a quick note...
had three conversations tonight. each held memories of the past year. each captivated a moment or series of moments to cherish. thanks for the smiles those three people. you know who you are. JP, homestar and A... :) thanks guys. this tired smile wouldn't be here without you. can i keep you?

New Years Eve and some thoughtful reflection...
New Year's Eve this year was quite possibly one of the best New Year's Eves I've ever experienced. Doesn't beat my new years eve with Kurt (church, pulled over, bowling for columbine.. i mean, that night was awesome!) but it was truly special, magical and sensational (man, i sound like a used car salesman, haha). Really though, all kidding aside. Wow. :) Someone once told me that your New Year's Eve events determine how your next year will turn out. And if he was correct, I'm going to have one hell of a 2004!

I woke up from a rather sleepless night feeling refreshed. I awaited my room mate's arrival at 2pm. It was so hard to describe seeing her again. I hugged her tightly, feeling comforted again and we shared words of excitment in the night ahead and how happy we were to have each other's company again. We giggled and got ready for the arrival of our Kalamazoo visitors. We were both decked out in black and As she finished getting ready, I quietly handed her her Christmas present with a sly smile. She blushed, told me I shouldn't have and opened it. It was a matching necklace and earings that suited her outfit perfectly. I had the best time picking it out and it was so nice to see how much she really appreciated it and the time and thought I took. And to see her smile and hear her comforting words again.. It was like coming home, I truly missed my dear friend.

As the guys pulled up we peeked around the tree out the window like little kids, trying to see what they were wearing, if we were overdressed, etc. We shook our heads, laughed and opened the door. Hugs were exchanged all around as the fab four reunited. Alisha could barely contain herself. It was obvious something had happened between her and Izzy since that first date for them to Kalamazoo. There was a calm between them, but the smiles were still full of giddy excitement. Something had truly happened indeed. ;)

Kyle and Izzy met my dog and family and we strolled out the back door into the chilly afternoon air. I drove all of us into downtown Birmingham where I showed them all my town. All the sights that west siders haven't seen. :-p After taking in some shops, we went to Max and Erma's for dinner and they took in the Birmingham vintage atmosphere. We laughed our way through another dinner and I'm still astounded at the four of us. It really feels like we've known each other our entire lives. No room for dessert, Alisha and I stole the bill and we departed for an evening stroll. The Christmas lights were twinkling softly in the trees and everyone walking by smiled with a friendly gaze. After some window shopping in those stores you'd be too afraid to go in because your outfit isn't "gucci" enough, we made our way out to Almont. Izzy and Alisha led the way and Kyle and I followed. We listened to Frank Sinatra and the rest of the Rat Pack and chatted about our breaks and the gradually growing closeness of our two best friends.

I finally got to see Alisha's beautiful house at the top of the hill in the middle of the country. It was simply beautiful, especially adorned in white Christmas lights. Inside it smelled like wildflowers and freshly baked cake. It was decorated with a beautiful country air. All the tiny details drew the house together, making it picture perfect. It felt like a cottage in the country in Europe that one would pay insane amounts of money to escape to. After settling in, we opened Christmas gifts. Alisha and I got the boys the same thing, matching blankets and they seemed to really like them. Alisha got my Animal pjs from the muppets and a beautiful purse that just happened to match my outfit perfectly. Izzy got her a stuffed monkey, her favorite. And she nearly cried, it was adorable. Kyle's gift to me was surprising. And to be quite honest, me who tries so hard to never cry in front of people had to fight back tears. He got me chocolates to share with everyone from a tiny cholatier in Germany. And the part that really touched me was the dropkick murphy tee and the Emily the Strange patch for my backpack... Now if you know Kyle, him going into Hot Topic is well, really hard for him to do. I said thank you sincerely and looked up. He smiled and said, "You know, it's ok to be a punk." The feeling that shot through me right then. I felt really accepted. And really cared for for the person I am, every little aspect that others may find offensive or unattractive, those three love and care for me because of those traits.

We scurried off to a New Year's party for a little while with all of Alisha's friends from home. We all felt a part of the group immediately and it was so nice to finally put faces to names Alisha had always talked about. There was a moment on the couch when Alisha was in the middle of me and her best friend from home and we both hugged her at the same time... And she almost started to cry. That's my A. hehe. We could barely be torn away at 11:30 to head back to Alisha's for the countdown.

We toasted the New Year at midnight with some champagne (this was a first for me) and each took turns sharing a thoughtful toast. One of us, I forget which, it could've been me said... "To the uniting of best friends and a year of wonderful surprises." After the toast, we took a walk in the back woods, stared at the stars and moon and allowed the chilly night air to tickle cheeks and rosy noses. That night faded into a blur as we all called friends and family. I got to talk to my brother for a long time which was really nice and enjoyed the many voicemails I recieved. Some were very special from very special people and it was so nice to know that not only was I thinking of them, but they too had me in mind as 2004 began. We watched movies and spent a great deal of time talking. Kyle and I related the events of the past semester to one another and laughed about the fact you never know just what life is going to throw at you next. After he crashes, Alisha and I talked about Izzy. I smiled and listed to her quiet, shy and sincere voice try to put her whirlwind of emotions into words. This is what I've been missing about being up at school. Our late night talks. Izzy came in and joined us. He laid between us and Alisha soon fell asleep in his arms. Then Izzy and I talked. We bonded and he too, in his genuine, shy manner tried to put Alisha into words. Impossible, we both realized... What great people I was blessed by this year.

2003 was full of joy and pain. The good far outweighed the bad this past year and for that I am eterally grateful. I was blessed by love and tearful with loss. I was surprised and shocked. I went through being something I wasn't to being more myself than I ever was. I had moments that I will remember for the rest of my life, each framed by the season which they were experienced; life through the eyes of nature, are you really surprised? ;) ...I lost dear friends and was forced to say goodbye. I found friends in places I didn't even expect and reconciled with those I thought I'd never be blessed by again. I smiled. So much. I cried a little less, but still a great many tears. I witnessed mortality and tragedy before my eyes. I saw the brilliance of new life in the eyes of a child.. and the young at heart. I found new venues to express myself creatively and I tried things I never believed I'd ever be able to do. I was granted courage and I was tested. I succeeded about as much as I failed. And from all of it I learned. An infinite amount of lessons. Some of which I'm sure I won't remember, but so many I don't think I could possibly forget. A memorable year. As I'm sure the next will be. Who knows what the year has in store.. Or what surprises await us all in the coming year.