So I stumbled upon a dear friend's livejournal today. It's certainly been a while since I've checked up on people's journals and one of her entries particularly caught my eye... and made me smile. And made me miss her more than I could put words to on this page...
On Nov. 10 her journal read:
subject:another addition to my wall of fame...
"Ah Karen. Wearing black again, I see."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Damn, I could've sworn I told you that a huge part of heartless bitch protocol involves wearing black."

-courtesy of Miss Karen Green,
'her name is her nature, and such a rose as this has become precious to me'

Yeah, yeah... I know... I haven't updated since the election, and I haven't given you my thoughts, but think of this as publicizing the work of a woman who is fighting for our freedom to wear black- which may be the only freedom I can defend anymore.

Hope you're smiling on this dark night, Laura dear. Thank you for making mine appear. You were always so good at that. This is me sending you mad amounts of *dark side love* :)

"I've got nothing left to say. Just take me away."
I had my last tutorial ever tonight. It was a sparse showing and while this is one of those school commitments you should be glad is over, I couldn't help but be... well sad. It's sort of the end of an era. And it was a really strange feeling to leave the I-house for the last time.

Last weekend I broke down. I cried real tears that I thought wouldn't stop until Jaime came into my room and I felt the urge, the necessity to stop and convince her I was okay. But I wasn't. Not at all. I was completely sick. Of being that person that everyone runs to when they have problems. Now, yes, I understand that your problems are real and often times very serious and usually I adore listening.. being a friend to the people I care about. And even the people I've just met, listening is my strong suit. *sigh* This weekend though, I realized that I'm not a distant second party. I'm not sympathetic. I'm empathetic. To a fault. I absorb my loved ones concerns and sadness. It consumes me. And this past weekend.. everyone was falling apart. I felt like I had been a terrible friend for not noticing sooner and I felt like a terrible friend for telling everyone to go away because I couldn't even stand I was so taken with grief for them... I locked my door, unplugged my clock, turned off my computer and even put blankets over my windows because I didn't want to know when morning came... I was agonized.. and lost.
I've since recovered. I'm back to normalcy, perhaps seeing listening and advice-giving in a different light. It was an eye opening experience to be struck like that. But I feel better. Even my cold that settled in for a day or two there is seemingly gone...
Go ahead and hate me. If it's easier for you to hate me, ignore me, pretend we were never even aquainted.. do it. Just know I think of you and miss the friends we were.
I didn't get a chance to mention that I saw the Northern Lights here a couple weeks ago... Nature again at its finest. It was a truly amazing thing to see and share with my housemates and with Dan. The beautiful starbursts that seemed to culminate right above my house and the shades of jade that glistened above the horizon moved in an eerie, intriguing dance.. it was truely gorgeous.
I've sorta been finding myself missing Kurt again. We've been catching each other's voicemails but never really each other and I feel very out of touch with him. And I hate that feeling, just hate it. I really hope life in Ann Arbor is treating him well.
Alisha and I giggled together for the first time in weeks a couple days ago. It felt so good to have her here again, to have someone to gush to and feel okay about it. To hear about her life, to laugh and fight tears. After a lull in the conversation she said completely out of nowhere, "I could never marry a Republican." HA HA HA!!! oh, my Alisha. how i love her...
Zack did a heroic thing and sent me the new A Perfect Circle cd last night. I listened in awe. Their cover of Imagine is so powerful and the whole cd is surprising. Only one or two songs resemble APC. That's why I love that band so much, their always changing, always reworking... like me. Never in the same place twice. And the last song.. "The Fiddle and the Drum" made me cry. And made me want to beg, plead that Ron never goes back.. but he will. He will. And I'm so scared for that day.
Thanks Zack, you're the best.
I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I mean, I really am. I get to see Kath for the first time since fall break and holy hell do I miss her. And to spend time with my family again and take a break from all this paper-writing, exam studying madness for a day or two will be super nice.
Here's to my friends on a gloomy night such as this... May you always have a smile on your face, laughter in your heart, a fireplace to curl up beside and a friendly hand to hold. Love each of you. Even if it's been days, weeks, months or even years.. I have not forgotten you. You can be certain of that.

Halloween 2004. Angels of Darkness about to take the night by storm...

Oh! It's 11/11... Make a wish today. Make sure it's a good one. And I encourage you to break the usual rule.. and share your wish. in sharing it with someone, perhaps it will come true even sooner. :)

And just a thought.. falling asleep with all your clothes on and sleeping the whole night that way, not even remembering how you fell asleep or when.. Great feeling.

Remember all the times that we used to play...
You were lost and I would save you
I don't think those feelings will ever fade
I was never good at hiding anything
My thoughts break me
Do you understand what you mean to me?
You are my faith... -Cold

One pretty loca fiesta...
So last night was crazy enough that I want to post about it right away. Plus, I've noticed I hardly post much anymore. And when I do it's always these really long posts that I'm sure no one has the patience to read (I hardly have the patience to write them!), plus this whole blog thing is sort of theraputic. I don't have riding anymore. So I need to relax somehow. And the creative bug in me just isn't ticking.. I haven't written a poem for months or picked up a sketch pad. It's rather sad actually. I was in the KC working one day a week or so ago and The small upright piano was right there beside the sound equipment I was setting up... I was brought back to a day where piano was my solace. I sat down and touched the keys gently and the notes just started to flow like water. It sounded peaceful and eerie in the large empty room. I need more things like that. I think we all do.
Anyways, back to the topic at hand. Last night was Spanish 101's fiesta at an authentic Mexican restaurant in Jackson. There were about 40 of us and I rode out there with a couple girls from my tutorial. One had lived on my hall freshman year, but other than that I had no connection to those in my tutorial. Except for Adam, because he dated my freshman year room mate for a little while. The fiesta was actually pretty chill and boring. It was nice talking with the girls at my table and watching Paco (Adam) and Jose (Jake) taking rounds of tequilla and busting through margaritas. It was actually after most everyone left that things started to get fun. We cleared out the tables and started salsa dancing. This German guy was walking by and all of a sudden pointed at me and said, "You! You smiled at me. You and I attempt this salsa dancing, yes?" I laughed. "I smile at everyone," I said sheepishly. The girls and I hit the dance floor and it was actually a really good time. Paco said that we all needed to come back to his room and continue the party just with our tutorial members. At first I thought, nah, I'll just go home. But then I said screw it. I really wanted to go out with them. They seemed like cool people that I've never gotten to know. We stopped by Wesley and I gave Dan and his room mates my left overs (they were in the midst of some Halo 2 action, 6 of them crammed on one couch) and chatted with Meghan and Sam. Some Bicardi Limon showed itself and next thing I know, we've got a disposable camera and we're taking crazy photos on our way to Sig Nu. When we got there, we were greated warmly by Jose and Paco. Even Diego, our TA was there.. And it was really nice seeing him again. :) It really was. The six of us rattled off spanish and shared drinking stories. We even called freshman and tried to get him out there. I had an amazing time. I can't wait for tutorial next week. The end. I have a feeling that was one of those "you had to be there" stories. It was wasn't it? Haha. Well, shit guys, you had to be there because I still can't stop laughing about it all. :-p

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I need to be." - Douglas Adams
An update on life's events seems necessary. Before I freaking forget everything that's happened in the past month or so. Geezy.
Um, I have an amazing boyfriend. Yes, Karen is seriously serious about someone. For the first time in quite a while. And he… he sure is something. He’s one of those nice guys that ode I posted referred to. I'm pretty lucky. He makes each day even more beautiful than it already is. Okay, okay, no more of this schmoopy stuff.
Alisha’s been going through a lot of hard shit lately. And it came to the point that I didn’t even know what to tell her anymore and I felt like because of how busy things were getting she felt neglected… It was a tough realization I made. I really can’t be there 24/7 for people and I should quit feeling so shitty when I can’t pick up the pieces for everyone. I have pieces of my own to look after sometimes. But she’s been blessed by some really good things in the past week or two and I’m so happy for her. I hope it continues, because I adore that smile of hers and I’ve truly missed it.
I’ve lost some connections. Ones I didn’t expect to, ever. I’m saddened by this. And the hardest part is knowing to approach these lost connections would probably just make things worse.. what do I even say? I’m at a loss. Did I really screw up that badly if I’m happy now? Was I selfish in wanting that? *shakes head* I just don’t know.
Halloween was quite possibly the best Halloween thus far. Wow. I had such a great time. All of us girls got ready together, it was such fun. We giggled and put on our dark scary makeup. We made some awesome drinks and it was so cool having Amber’s Kyle and Jess’s friend John up from Chicago. The house was just bustling with people and activity. I punked out Dan much to my delight and he looked great with drumsticks in his back pocket. We all hit up Porter early and got the party there started. The girls and I giggled and bonded with our usual dancing and craziness. After a little dancing and laughter, Dan and I went to TKE (I promised Jordan we’d stop by) and Sig Chi. It was really cool hanging with Dan’s soccer friends. They were really amusing and Dan nearly started a fight with this kid who grabbed my ass. It was pretty crazy :-p. The dark vampiress costume went over really well and I felt creepy and pretty all at once. I’ll post pictures sometime soon.
I was emailed by a theater professor that asked me to be a part of a week long intensive theatre workshop. I was hesitant but it sounded like a great experience. We would write and put together a whole play in a week’s time with this playwright/theater director from Oregon. I was worried about neglecting the house, but Jessica was insistent that I should do it. It would make me a more interesting person I decided. It was a week of pure insanity with 5-6 hour rehearsals everyday, even on the weekend (which happened to be Halloween). I got to share the experience with some dear friends: Sarah, Steve, Audrey and Jordan. Jordan and I got to revel in each other’s constant company for the first time since The Country Wife. And it felt so nice. He has become one of my dearest friends here and I’m so lucky for the moments I get with him so to have long rehearsals where we can fool around and joke with each other is truly a gift… It was truly a learning experience. The whole thing. I came in thinking I would affect and audience, but the whole process ended up affecting me instead. I had never actually sat and thought about those issues before, put my opinions into writing and seeing it brought to life on a stage.. powerful. I learned so much about rules, life and the choices I’ve made. There was one part with flashlights in the darkness… And the meaning behind it and seeing that image brought out of my head into life.. I’ll never forget it. Thanks to those who came to see it. The support was outstanding.
I participated in my first sit in last week. I never saw myself as the political activist type. But this was something I felt so strong about. And after the anger that struck me when prop. 2 passed across the country, I needed to be a part of this. I sat in the president’s office to protest the way that bigotry has infiltrated my campus and our president was doing nothing to stop it, no rules, no transparency about the culprit’s punishments. My friend was harassed while in his room for his sexuality. This is simply unacceptable. And to see my friends afraid to walk on this campus.. That I cannot stand for. So I sat. And the president was actually responsive to our demands. It was an amazing and eye opening experience I’m proud to say I participated in.
Wednesday night Dan insisted on taking me to taco bell because I had been having the longest and most stressful week. When we got to the car, he reached in and produced yellow tissue paper. Inside were two roses. One red, one white. He couldn’t decide, he said. So he got both. Simply because I was having a hard week. Just because. I told him it wasn’t fair that he found my weakness but I still didn’t know his.. He said softly with a sincere smile, “It’s you.”
I saw Jill this past weekend for the first time in four years. She was one of my best friends in high school. My best friend from Foley for sure. She met me at a starbucks in Birmingham. I heard her say my name from across the coffee shop. I looked up and ran to her. She started crying as soon as we touched. In the midst of her tears she said, “Meet Hannah!” Hannah. Her baby. Her 5 month old. She just turned 21 in August. It was an insane, surreal experience. She was beautiful. Both mother and daughter, beautiful. Jill hardly changed a bit, just more grown up for obvious reasons. She still talked the same way, laughed at the same things and smiled the same beautiful smile. She still tells me how much she loves me. And that she needed me.. badly. And I wasn’t there for her. And for that… I’m having a lot of trouble coming to grips with that and forgiving myself. I missed her. And to have her back in my life again is such a blessing. And Hannah is the perfect child. She loved being in my arms and it was just crazy to have a girls night out.. with one more girl, a beautiful blonde 5 month old. I made a promise to her. And to her daughter. Never again would I let them down. I’d be there when she needed me and Jilly Bean and Sweet Pea will never be apart again.
I got to go home this past weekend. The whole week I had this anxious and nervous feeling haunting the pit of my stomach. It was the first time I was going to see my brother in nearly a year. I couldn’t even imagine what it would feel like. To hug him again. To tell him how much it meant to me to have him safe. To tell him that I love him and I never want him going to war ever again. I excitedly drove home with my parents Friday and when I got home he was napping. I crept into his room and jumped into bed with him. He grabbed me and tickled me, smiling broadly. He was real. This was all real. I hugged him tightly and had to fight the tears from falling. He was home. Finally.
All weekend we hung out, spent time together. He asked me all about things and vice versa. He’s in love. And I’m awfully happy. We just kept smiling and laughing. The look of relief that finally crossed my mother’s face was priceless. Only one sibling was missing, Kath was still in Marquette. Both brothers sat on me, tickled me and made me feel like a little sister again, it was so comforting. The feeling of finally being home again was overwhelming. I forgot all about it, the smells, how my bed felt. It was such a relief.
And now I'm back... at school. Strikingly more at home than I feel at home it seems. Registering for next semester already tomorrow morning.. It's crazy how fast time is flying. And how each moment is more full of life than the last.