i've never been so alone and i've never been so alive...
I mentioned to my friend in Theater History how it was fat Tuesday and this Polak was without a packzi. She quietly pulled me into the hall and said, "I only have two left.. raspberry and plain, but no one should be without a packzi today." She smiled softly. I hugged her tight and she said she'd bring it to rehearsal later for me. It was something so small, just a simple kindness, but it put a smile on my face that wasn't there to begin with. And it was one that I called upon often the rest of the day. Thank you, my friend. You don't know how much that meant to me.

Starko burned me two cds today just because he had a feeling I'd like them. Great Big Sea cds. They're a Celtic Rock band and they made something I expected to be arduous and painful (my western religions paper) just flow.. great tunes. energetic. i needed that tonight.

We had a discussion in Theater History today about Shakespeare and the influence he has on today's society. We talked about seeing references to him everywhere, his pop media presence, etc. The last question my professor asked us to reflect on was the experience we had watching a Shakespeare play that touched us in some profound way and why. I reflected and two instances came into my memory. I raised my hand to share them with the class. My prof called on Amy first. Her eyes fixed upon her notebook and she fidgeted slightly as she relayed her chosen experience. Now Amy, you must understand, loves Shakespeare and this was an answer I think everyone in the class was anxious to hear. I could tell whatever she was about to share was something important and dear to her. She gave background information about the Ophelia Project to all those in class who weren't familiar with it. She then talked about the "Get thee to a nunnery" scene. I closed my eyes, flashes glowed across the darkness I saw. Visions of John and I finally succumbing to the intensity of that scene; finally just letting go and experience the violence, pain and emotion wrapped up in those words. Just as I saw it all relieved in my head, Amy described it all eloquently.. how we didn't know what to do with that scene when we first encountered it, how upon her direction we really felt it for the first time. She said she still gets chills when she sees photos of that scene. She mentioned Friday's performance, how it hit her so hard she cried, the strong character I had created from her imagination... I listened quietly and smiled remembering how much that play meant to all those involved. It reawoke passion in all of us and I had almost forgotten... almost. And I wanted to call John right then.. hell, I wanted to call the entire cast and get them all together to talk, do it all over again. I just wanted it back. Just for a moment.

It's the unknown that hurts the most... And the fact that some of the strongest people in my life are scared too.. That's what's truly frightening about all of this, really.

Opening Night for Twelfth Night tomorrow night. Another encounter with Sir Shakespeare. And I can't wait. I just hope I have everything right about Viola. I just hope I'm not missing one ounce of who she is. Of who I am. I just hope I have it all straight and that I can surprise the audience as well as myself.. every night. Big expectation I know, but reaching for the stars never came without dreaming big.

Karen's turning brunette tomorrow. This ought to be interesting.

I caught myself missing my brother today. I caught myself missing Jazz. I caught myself missing John. I caught myself missing Kurt. I caught myself missing Anna. I caught myself missing Bryan. I caught myself missing my sister. I caught myself missing many people today. It was one of those lonely days for me I think.

There was one song that caught my ear just now.. Here are the lyrics. Open mic night tomorrow night, speaking of. Wish I had something to read, but as much as I want to write, my head just isn't in it right now. It's definitely somewhere else. Far away.

Something To It
I'm sorry if I ruined your day
I really hope that you understand
I'm a million miles away
Looking for a place to land
My father phoned me yesterday
"Your time has come, well done."
Tried to think of what to say
When words came he'd already gone

I don't know how I got here
There must be something to it
I think I need some time alone
To work my way through it
The moon is in the sky tonight
Not very warm but it sheds some light
Ask me now and I just might
Let the morning come and tell me if its right

Soon initial bliss will pass
This precious time might be your last
Like dew upon the morning grass,
Good intentions can vanish with the sun

I'm sorry if I ruined your day
I really hope that you understand
But I'm a million miles away
Looking for a place to land
Well I'm a million miles away
Looking for a place to land

Screw it, I'm supposed to be writing my paper right now but I honestly can't focus. I need to let some stuff out, so bear with me...

I got a sponsorship yesterday for my equestrian club jacket!! i felt like a true business woman. It made me actually excited about what I want to do for a living someday. Its also amazing how generous people can be. So when you've given up on humanity, I can give you some proof that there are so many good people in the world. And riding is going so well. Lora is really seeing improvement with me and my legs are getting stronger. Riding really is one of my favorite things to escape to. I adore it. And my horses. I can't wait until our next compitition in March. I'm ready, everyone... Look out. :)

Last Thursday was an amazing day. I worked in the morning at the Coffeehouse with Brendan. He came with me after lunch to give blood, something I haven't done in a long time. A little dizziness and sore arm later, we went back to the coffeehouse and spent the afternoon working on our coffeehouse apps and watching the Nightmare Before Christmas which is a GREAT movie! holy crap. I loved it. I went to an hour of class then went on a McDonald's run for dinner. Rehearsal that night went soooo well. I can't even put it to words.

It was one of those rehearsals that reminds me exactly why I love theatre so much. It was a full run through of the show. And I got so in touch with Viola. I felt her start to become a part of me that day. I could feel some of her blood coarsing through my veins. Suddenly I knew why she loved Orsino, I saw what made her tick and why she made certain choices or phrased things certain ways. She was all of a sudden very real and clear to me. And the emotions she felt became a part of my performance. And for the first time since Ophelia.. I cried real tears onstage. It was cathartic and envigorating. After the rehearsal, I felt satisfied and proud. As I walked home exhausted, compared Viola and I. There's so much of her in me. Her closeness with her brother, her utter horror of losing him and her unharnessed joy in seeing him again after she thought he was dead. Unrequited love... Watching Orsino love someone else. Having to be witness to it. Getting so close, but never close enough.. She often hides behind her wit. And that's a new discovery I made as well. I love this character as if she was a dear friend. I feel I'm ready now for this show. I can't wait. :) And so many people I care about are coming. And the ones who cannot come. The ones who are a world away or no longer on this earth with me.. They'll be there. Somehow. I know they will.

I was looking at the wall next to my desk today and I saw a picture of me from high school. It was taken on "Grim Reaper Day." I'm dressed all in black with a dark silver cross around my neck. My face is painted white with black lips and dark smudged eyes. I'm sitting in a bed of daffodils.. Blank and emotionless. I thought about that day how it brought the fragility of life to the front line in a world where humans are immortal.. high school. The day revolved around deaths caused by people driving drunk, preventable deaths. Today though, looking at that picture I thought of not only preventable death. I remember the feeling of sitting in class and knowing it was almost my time. The grim reaper walked into the room and placed his hand on my shoulder. I shuddered. Even though it was all an act, it was more powerful than a play... It dealt with mortality and reality. Even though it was only a representation, it was the closest thing to real I had felt to that point. And the rest of the day, not talking, observing... Being nothing but a ghost to those around me. When I thought about that today, I had to fight back tears. I should really take that picture down..

I'm scared...

I just really want to go home. Right now. I'm realizing now how hard it is to face certain things all alone sometimes. There are some circumstances where independence isn't an option. There's some scary shit in this life. We all need the help of others some times. We all need our family or the people closest to us to hold our hands through uncertainty. To calm, to preserve, to protect us when we can't handle it all on our own.


"Just close your eyes... Ignore the smoke and smile."

After watching a really great Shakespeare workshop video last night, I peeked into Jay's room just to say hi. I don't think anyone's ever been that excited to see me. He saw me and freaked out. Literally. The expression on his face was priceless and I got a huge hug out of the deal. It made me feel warm and genuinely liked inside. It made my day.

I just realized today that I haven't been home since Christmas. And by time I actually get home, it will have been about two months since I left. Now this mght not seem like a long stretch to all you folks on your own out there. But so much of me is still there. My mothers gentle touch, my sister's warm laughter, my brother's playfulness.. I even kinda miss my dad. It's an odd feeling. Because although I noticed today how long it's been, I really haven't noticed at all til now. I think I might be growing up. I think I might be learning how to let go... even if just a little.

I pricked my finger today. Slight pain shot through me and it made me think about pain. How people complain about it, people cry about it. But pain is one of the surest signs of life. Pain makes you know that you're alive, and it suddenly makes you extra conscious of the world around you. Nothing else has that power. Aside from love. Love has a tendency of doing that too.

I'm ready to go backpacking like right now.. It's getting into crunch time for everything and I can't stop thinking about being outside without any distractions. Somewhere far away from here. I've been thinking alot about my trip to the Adirondaks this past summer. Little memories keep resurfacing and little reminders of it are everywhere. My hiking boots in my closet are crying. They want to go too.

Thats it. I just needed a break in this busy ass day.

It's true, a smile really can make someone's day. I mean, I sat in class yesterday and looked over at a girl I've never met, she stared blankly back. Hardly thinking at all I smiled gently and she smiled back, her eyes twinkled for a moment then she faced forward again. I could tell it really helped whatever mood she had been in before that moment. So if you have a moment and the muscles in your face don't mind moving a bit.. smile. You'll feel better, too.

Uh, theater history exam today sucked monkey balls. I mean, wow. 25 S.A.'s in an hour. It was painful for my brain and my right hand that felt like it was going to fall off when I turned it in. The study session with the class the night before was one for the record books though. John Minjoe is hilarious. And needless to say no studying actually occured, but it was a great time. It was necessary and we all accepted our collective fate of doom. It was one of those very college moments, we all had a huge exam and all we could focus on was John's ass, laughing and complaining with each other.

I actually discussed what I'd do with an extra three hours of the day with someone today. and a road trip out west. and poetry. *shakes head and smiles* how I made it this far, I really don't know...

Brendan skipped class to hang out with me on my shift monday morning. We talked up a storm and took ceramic mugs to class with coffee in them just to see what people would say and think. That application's still waiting and burning a hole in my book bag.

I've been thinking a lot like a photographer lately. Things will catch my eye and call me out of whatever other mindset I was in before... I'll leave the world for a moment and be sucked into something I'm witnessing. Something as simple as the way light hits a frosted window pain, the drip of the water where the roof leaks in my building, the way a person's facial expression says words novels upon novels could never encompass... It's like journaling, something I really haven't done in so long. My camera's collecting dust and that knowledge makes me unsteady and uneasy.

Death has become as much a part of life as living. And that's a frightening thing. It makes me feel like a scared child who huddles helplessly in the corner.

I'm frustrated, I'm stressed, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm crashing, I'm excited, I'm overwhelmed, I'm falling, I'm empowered, I'm exhaused, I'm in love, I'm confused, I'm so blessed, I'm cynical, I'm ridiculous... I wish some people could see me now. The changes and the similarities are insane, I can hardly make sense of it all.

Valentines thoughts, etc...
As opposed to many others, I have always really enjoyed valentine's day. i mean, granted it is a hallmark holiday, but it does give you the chance to tell people how much you care for them. but that begs the question, do you really need a day for that? shouldn't you tell those you love that you love them without needing a day designated for it? alas, that's another blog for another day.

my valentine's weekend as a whole was one of the best in my years of celebrating the famed holiday. i got to relax, i got to have fun and i didn't touch anything school related until late sunday night. it It had been a relatively rough week, with lots to do, much rehearsal and a few emotional evenings. I was ready to let it go and enjoy a couple days of love and contentedness. I'd say, looking back, I certainly got that.

Friday I went to Jackson with Alisha after class. She was a little on the depressed side that she couldn't see Izzy for valentine's day. Little did she know we had something up our sleeve. A and I shopped, giggled and even planned our evening of drowning our week's sorrows in ice cream. We returned to school and I told her I had a meeting with Starko. I met Izzy, let him in the building, gave him my key to the room and got A for dinner. She ate sadly and we wandered up the stairs. She unlocked the door still in conversation with me and holding a bananna. Inside, candles flooded the room and there were two glasses of wine set up on the little table in the back of the room. Alisha cried like we both knew she would and ran into Izzy's arms. I grabbed my book bag and vanished, leaving them to their valentine's evening. The rest of the evening unfolded beautifully. I had to rehearse for a bit, but then I got to actually go to a union board function, I got to see the band play at the coffee house and I got to watch a movie and eat Chinese with Izzy, Alisha and Bobby (who, after almost breaking his back in a freak acting class accident, came up on a whim to visit). So Alisha and I didn't get to mope with ice cream, but I think she'd agree the surprise plans turned out much better.

Saturday morning, I woke up insanely early, grabbed my stuff and bolted out the door. I met my friend Paul and his cousin Matt in the front of Seaton and we took to 94 on our way to Leslie. We happily wished each other a happy valentine's day and got to the house in half an hour. I was greeted by a plethora of new faces. I met Paul's entire family and I was taken by all of them. His family is huge and each has a distinct, notable personality. I haven't been to a wedding in years and it was so nice to be so close to it all. I got to put cufflinks on all the groomsmen and help the groom button his suit jacket. I got to eat chicken salad with the bride and do my hair while the bridesmaids got ready. Love was in the air and excitement was coarsing throgh everyone's veins. Now this is what Valentine's Day is all about. The wedding... was beautiful. Domingo was sweet and kind and so obviously in love with Paul's sister, Kristen. Kristen was beautiful and graceful, trying so hard not to cry as she walked into her new life with Domingo. I heard detailed stories of their romance all day long as I met more and more people, trying to keep all names and ties straight. During the ceremony, Paul's father gave a speech about Kristen and Domingo. I even saw Paul tear up when his father talked about how Paul's mom would tuck the kids in everynight as they grew up and pray for their future spouses. It was a beautiful story, one I'll hold dear forever as tears streamed down my face. The reception was at a golf course. Snow was falling gently as we arrived and it glowed over the little hills in the moonlight. A little bridge lit up in Christmas lights could be seen through the frosted windows and the candle lit room cast golden tones on the smiling faces. Deep red roses were the center pieces and everything was perfectly in place. Dinner was fabulous and the dancing was at times a little silly, but mostly picturesque and unforgettable. It was so nice to be considered a part of such a large family, even for a little while. Even grandma was giggling with me about baby stories about Paul and his siblings and I went on a bathroom outting with all of his aunts. My Valentine's Day ended back at Pauls house with about 20 of us (the bridal party, parents of the bride adn others) in the basment watching a movie, laughing and falling asleep together.

I don't think there would be a thing I would change about this weekend. Aside from the aching in my heart at not seeing a few people I would've really liked to.

In other brief news:

As a result of a fabulous Valentine's Day present, I'm going to see A Perfect Circle on April 24th... *giggles* i can't wait!

FURSCA's coming together really well and it's looks pretty much like a go. Margaret and I are getting much closer, especially sharing stories about having military men in our families and how that feels.. After talking with her thurday about my brother, I feel much closer to her as a person and much better about the whole situation.

I'm sick of people telling me it's ok and not to worry. You really don't know that and you really don't understand. And if you do understand the situation, you don't understand me if that's what you're going to say. (apology to reader: sorry i just had to go off on that for a moment)

You know what? I am happy. Granted, there are worries and a hell of a lot to do.. But I am happy. I have such good friends and such great people in my life taking good care of me right now. Thank you to all those who mean the world to me (if you're reading this, you're probably one of those people).

Kyle sent me a Valentine and peanut butter in my KC box. I laughed so hard I cried. Ahh, you know me so well. :)

Alisha and I keep losing it with all this work we have to do. But I love it when we go crazy. And get all loopy. :D I mean we wrote a song last night, and it ended on the same note... Yeah, we're definitely twins seperated at birth. This tallness has to be genetic.

play's coming along well. you should all come see it. February 25-28, 8pm only $1!!!! Yeah, all of you! *makes angry yelly face* :-D

the coffeehouse application for living there nextyear is sitting in a folder in my book bag... just waiting for me to decide what i'm going to do with it. part of me wants to drop everything and fill it out right now. i can't stop thinking about it, it's kinda funny.

Jordan's one of the coolest people I know. That's it.

i got this kick ass vase from bed, bath and beyond on thursday with brendan. i was in a shitty mood before, but it made my day because not only was it a bargain but it's so unique! yeah.. i'm a weirdo pants.

more to come when i actually have time to catch my breath. oh! one more thing, i was reading my blog from a long time ago and i was so much more... exciting and fun to read about then. i said inspirational things. now im just spitting out information. damn school tiring me out and making me cynical. :-p

Today is just not my day.. not my day at all.

Don't even want to begin on all the other things...

"This is unfair," the tiny voice said into the hollow receiver, "...it's just not fair."

My brother leaves for Iraq tomorrow at 7pm. For seven long months, if not more. And I hate how I have to keep saying goodbye. For some reason thinking I still had a few days left made it easier, but when it snuck up on me like this it hits you like a ton of bricks.. And it hurts. My heart hurts.

And it's just raining in my head...

I feel like freaking out on my blog here, but I really feel like I don't have time to and if I tried to, it wouldn't really come out right so I think I'm just going to type for the next ten minutes before wandering to class because i really don't feel like reading yet another boring liturgical drama from the Hellenistic period... *sigh* so you get what comes out in 10 minutes, sad, scary and uncut. Sorry.

Confusion is an interesting creature. It attacks you at times when you feel the most sure of yourself and your condition. A certain look from someone, a certain smile, a dusty picture at the bottom of a forgotten drawer, remnants of a poem or letter never finished... With a simple touch, all that certainty ya had once flies out the window and you are left. Shaking your head and wondering where the hell that came from. Not that I'm lost, persay. I feel very much comfortable in who I am and the person I've grown into lately, but really something is off and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. But it's there and it's decided to point itself out in the most random and undefined ways.

I haven't journaled in a really long time and I've been literally aching to. I think that will help somehow. I have all of these words, phrases, poetry, essays, questions, answers, philosophies, ecstasy, dreams, fears and pain just rumbling around inside my head squirming and screaming to be let out. And I feel like all my time is being sucked up and even when I do have a spare moment, I can't seem to get my hand wrapped around a pen and to get that pen pressed in movement on a blank page. It's like I have all this inspiration, I just can't push myself to even begin. It's really.. upsetting.

Peanut butter. Another guilty pleasure that has gained permanence in my life. Just by itself on a spoon. It calms me down and makes me smile. The texture, the way it sticks, the way it makes me feel different, odd, not like everyone else. I love that.

I'm a really weird kid... *nods* I am. But it's even stranger how many people have started to notice and for some reason really like that.

It's really funny how something so tiny can ricashay (yeah i know i spelled that wrong) you into the past. Things you thought you had forgotten and long since "gotten over". Some of the pain I was talking about is in there somewhere. I forgot what the burning on my left cheek felt like. And what the anger, frustration and fear that followed felt like. Some of the joy is in there, too. I forgot how it felt to have my heart beating so fast I could scarce breathe just at the thought of seeing someone's face, not even sure they would notice your lack of breath around them. Reminders are everywhere, I just finally let myself notice. Or maybe the world around me just forced me to notice. But I've been thrown into feelings I know too well and ones that are brand new that I'm not sure if I want them to stay or go..

I love being caught by surprise and lately it's been happening so much I can barely keep track.. Another reason I miss writing it all down.

Class.. I have class. Perhaps I can write down some more later if not here, etched in the corner of some notebook that I will completely forget about until I have to study for an exam.. And it will all come flooding back. So much of life is that. People preach about living in the present. I agree completely. But sometimes in living in the present, you lose track of the past, the part that's molded who you are, the parts that outline importance.. the painful and the ecstatic, the scary and the sublime...

"It hurts sometimes when you compare the way life could have been to the way life really is. In comparison you find what's important and that somehow you have what you need to survive, even if it's all a little less than perfect."

So... THIS is what I've been missing... :)

And the hectic lifestyle has settled in... And it seems its going to stick around for quite a while. Just thought I'd throw out a quick update on recent events for all those who are interested...

We have to be off book for the show by Wednesday. I memorized act one last night (starting at about 1am.. man motivation is seriously lacking these days) and act two is on tap for this evening; along with review of the whole damn thing and some reading for media econ. hooray for being so busy i can't see straight!

I won a dance contest with Heath at TKE last Friday night. oh dear, oh dear. heehee! and I went to the presidential ball on Saturday night. It's weird finding time amidst everything to stop and think. And relax and let loose.

Findlay compitition coming up right quick this weekend. The Equestrian Team is pumped but tempers are high, so this oughta be interesting. I'm trying to get in a few last practices before I go. I'm riding today and probably thursday morning. It's coming along well and while I'm a little nervous about Hunt Seat, I feel really prepared for Western. My parents will be there... A little nervous about seeing dad, but I'm excited to see them.

Bobby stopped by after rehearsal on Sunday night. He came in on the off chance that I'd be free and perhaps needing a friendly face. He read my blog to find out what dorm I lived in and brought my room mate and I soft batch cookies (i've never had them before!). He is truly a dear heart. I showed him Albion, the theater, everything. It was a fantastic surprise and something I really needed. It put a smile on my face, indeed. :)

Summer plans are tentative and uncertain and as soon as I have that settled, I think I'll be a little more at ease. Margaret's waiting to hear back from a possible internship location in D-town for me and we're also getting FURSCA all set. Yeah, me here for 10 weeks during the summer. I wasn't so sure it was something I wanted to do, but I mean I get paid weekly a pretty nice amount. I won't be working nonstop all summer, I get to just chill out here with some great people (Jordan and some of the other TNA folk) and I'll be back in time to go to Montana with my sister with enough money to last me a little while indeed. Oh, not to mention that Bobby and the some more of the MSU crowd will be in Lansing all summer.. I mean, sounds like quite a good deal, eh? I can tell my mom really wants me home though, so we'll see. I'm sure it'll work out the way it's supposed to.

Been on a big J. Mraz kick lately. Especially the song, "You and I Both" as well as other live versions of his stuff. It's been calming and I forgot how much I love his stuff. You should really check him out if you haven't already.

As I was talking to Margaret today, she went off on a tangent about her husband and the way he translates Bach. She got a nostalgic, romantic look in her eyes that I've never seen in a professor. She talked about how she used to help him practice by following along with the sheet music as he played the Steinway by heart at the University. She smiled to herself and I couldn't help but grin. It was a beautiful image I don't think I'll forget.

Starko and I also had a talk the other night. He cried a single tear after I opened up to him about what's been on my mind lately. He said something to the effect that if he had a daughter, he'd want her to be a lot like me. He shared his religious journey of life and as I walked home, I thought about how weird Albion is... I mean, everyone really becomes like a family and it's really... kinda strange, yet comforting.

Trying to break off of this punk kick I've been on.. The black eye make up is starting to give me a headache. But I forgot why I used to love it so much. If you've never tried, I urge you to give it a shot, even if it's just in your own room with no one looking... Out line your eyes in black, completely. Smudge the lines a little and look at yourself. Take in the world around you. Things become a little darker around the edges. It's like a new point of view, a new way of looking at things. It's really very powerful and I missed it.

I've been wondering a lot about people I haven't talked to in a really long time lately.. people who used to be on my list of "most important." Some of them still fall there even though we don't talk. I wish I had more time to myself so I could call them. I wonder if I'd have to guts to even if I had the time.

John, I'm way proud of you and all that you're doing in Chicago. I can see that it's taking hold of you, even if you won't admit it to yourself. Keep that chin up and keep following your heart!

Alisha and I aren't used to giggling together. That hasn't happened since the beginning of the first semester.. And despite my lack of optimism and negativity lately, I've been attacked by a serious case of the giggles this week. I really have been blessed by some wonderful things lately, despite the sadness and exhuastion running rampant here. So Alisha and I are back at it. And I love it. I really do.

Um, class calls unfortunantly and I'm already late! gah! I'll fill in the rest whenever I get a moment. Hope life is treating everyone well and that you're keeping your head up. Smile, it is infectious. Despite the busy rushing of life, take time out to breathe and surprise the people that mean most to you, including, surprising yourself. :)