"Doing nothing is usually the best idea. But it's always the most boring."
I got to spend some quality time with my theater buds the other night. Alexis, Amy, Andy and I took in the sights of Albion. It was so nice being together with them, having fun, giggling.. I may stray from the theater, I may persue other activities and friends, but I'll always come back. Those are some of the few people I know that I truly belong with. Alexis and I came to two revelations. One was the afore mentioned quote. And what was the other one? haha, I really don't remember. Andy and I got into an arguement about t safety of a mini caribbeaner for seriously 5 whole minutes. Laughter obviously ensued and it was another one of those moments.. that will live on in my memory when I look back on college.

Much like sitting in the hotel room watching the sunset over the ambassador bridge in Windsor,having a serious heart to heart with Kyle. In case anyone missed it, I had a fabulous time in Canada this past weekend with my delt sigs. I got to get all dressed up, laugh at them all being drunk (some ended up passed out in the bath tub and others stole baggage carts and rode them down the hall). I got to Irish dance in the pub and make friends with the band who just kept sending guinness my way for some reason (handing them off to Ian) as well as Julie, the awesome singer/bartender who gave me her guinness polo because she "loved" me so much. :D I saw too many wrestling tournaments on the king size bed and matt get folded into the pull out couch... I just look back on this past weekend with a silly grin. It was an outstanding weekend. I'm so glad I went.

In the course of 5 days I finished a total of 30 pages of paper. Two total, one 16 page, one 14. It was the most I think Ive ever written in that short period of time and let me tell you... wow. It was nuts! I mean, the moments I had to stop and breathe were fantastic. I got to hangout and watch sitcoms with Steph and Andy, chill with some of the delt sigs who were all ready to ditch school and move to Canada even before we left and spend some quality time with my fellow coffeehouse-ers. It was hell to say the least but I felt so accomplished and did a victory lap around the house on wednesday night. It was a great feeling.

Can I get a hell yeah for Team You Win!!! I mean wow! I'm playing IM soccer with the best team in the universe. We all really pull together and we've won both of our games so far. It's funny how none of us expected any success and here it is. And I love it. Competing again. It feels SO good.

I finally got to sit down and talk with Jordan last Thursday. We had no other commitiments or places to be, just there on a comfy couch finally catching up. Finally. I could've cried it was so nice. I've really missed him and our close friendship. Like I told him, it's so nice to finally have "us" back. :)

Oh, the library. I feel procrastination coming on. Or a very cliche line from Shakespeare.

The past week has been full of.. surprises. Yeah, I think we'll put it that way. Every direction I look something new is popping up and I can hardly keep it all straight or myself in check for that matter. I'm having a great time though. Life is indeed grand.

A voice from the past approached me tonight. It felt good to talk to that voice again. Even if it was only online and even if it was nothing serious or life altering. It just opened doors. Doors that have been locked for what feels like years. I missed you, Babeula. I really did.

Okay, it's official FURSCA this summer is going to kick some serious ass. Everyone sticking around are SO freaking cool and all of us here, doing next to nothing and getting paid for it... Wow, it's going to be one hell of a summer. And I'm going to have one hell of a 20th birthday party.

I've been getting the biggest urge to just pick up and leave. Sometimes things here just take hold of me, suck me in. Some things I don't want to stop, other things I just want to leave completely behind. Something isn't right and something is missing. And that both pisses me off and makes me really sad. I just want to write, paint, draw, sing, shoot pictures.. for days. Be alone in nature. Go to Montana right now. *sigh* I just want to get on a plane.

Riding was a great solace to me today. It was perfect. I sometimes forget how much it means to me or wonder where the hell I'd be without it. Probably in a puddle on the floor.

Looks like it's our inevitable fate, the coffeehouse will be all girls. Sad, because it is the only co-ed living on campus, but with our applicants, that was the best we could figure. It'll be fun. That I am certain of. I'm sure we'll have guys sleeping on the couches downstairs especially seeing as I doubt Brendan could ever really leave that place.

I miss my brother. And I have a bad feeling. And I hate the news. Or people who think they know how it feels. Whoah, that was a little non karen anger. Ok, smile's back. Promise :). Sorry, Ron. I'm trying awfully hard.

"Success is loving life and daring to live it." Happiness is in there too I think.

I'm sitting here, in what used to be the way I would dress nearly everyday... punked. hair pinned up looking short, dark eye make-up, baggy cords. I'm listening to the new Norah cd that Andy burned for me. And I'm supposed to be working on the new 10 page paper. Yes, the 15 pager got done and turned in. And now we have yet another 10 page paper disguised as a take-home. I hate school. And this week is going to kill me I think.

I have had a picture of Kurt up on my desktop for the past week or so. I forgot he once gave me a cd with numerous photographs saved on it. And I came upon this one... I mean, it was Kurt captured in a single frame. The melancholy expression, the distance in his figure, his blue eyes. It was all there like a stamped memory that I thought I'd forget. I miss him. I miss our best friend moments and our long talks on the phone. Thinking about him makes me think about other important people that used to make me tick that I've grown so far from... And now each time I see that picture it hurts. I should really change my desktop...

Trying so hard to hold out til this weekend. And a little trip to Canada :). I'm really looking forward to it.

And this past weekend. Wow. Some things occured and some didn't. Some happy and some not. Some things got accomplished and sometimes giggles took place of where work should've been. It was an interesting weekend. One that keeps reliving itself in bits and pieces as I've tried to stay focused this week.

I should really get back to my paper. Norah's just getting me nostalgic and really missing certain individuals. I'm sure you each know who you are. And in case you don't... ask. And maybe we can talk about it? :) I'd like that.

Things are slowly working out. And I'm keeping a smile somehow. Because life really is grand.. if you just let it be.

New place of residence: 1106 Jackson... The Coffee House.

I got accepted to be a manager at the Coffee House for next year. One of the financial managers. It still hasn't complete settled yet. I still don't quite believe it. It will now really be my home. Wow. Mind blow.

Brendan called me. Woke me from a nap yesterday. He was being all business-like and I couldn't help but laugh. He told me I was chosen. And the feeling... can't put it to words.

I knew it would be bittersweet. But I didn't know it would hurt this much.

I got to spend quality time with my theater people on Friday night. Many talks about life and the meaning thereof. I shared myself with some of them. My worries, my fears, my thoughts, my honest feelings... And I was overwhelmed with love and support once again. I'm so lucky.

I got to go for a walk to Victory Park with Alisha and Kyle. I played with two little girls. I forgot what it was like to have children around. The influence they have on me, it's infectious. The way they make you see life through their eyes for a moment. And all you want to do is stay and play with them more, share their carefree nature, love of life and little things... Kyle, A and I played on the play structure and swung on the swings while the sun set behind the trees. It's moments like that that I really love albion... and the people I'm lucky enough to be with here.

I got to lay in bed yesterday til 4. Then went for a walk in the nature center with Izzy, A, and Kyle. It was gorgeous. I love nature. I love it. More comforting than anything else.

I saw the video "Hold On" by Good Charlotte. It hurt. But hit me hard in a good way. Hold on, everyone, if you feel like letting go. Hold on, it gets better than you know. It really does.

Steve IMed me this evening while I was in the midst of frantically writing my 10-15 pager. He had something to tell me. He said that he's not the praying kind, but he felt compelled for the first time.. to pray. For me. He was worried about me. I honestly haven't experience tears hit me so quickly. One dripped right off my nose onto my shirt. Thank you Steve. For your caring kindness and your reaffirming my own lack of faith lately. You gave me a gift better than anything material. And I will never be able to show you my intense gratitude. I'm truly touched.

oh.. and I really miss Kurt. I mean, way miss him. I hope where ever he is, he's happy. I'm sure he is.

Listening to Alkaline Trio thinking my window looks pretty welcoming right now. I'm kinda sick of this up and down rollercoaster my emotions have been on lately. Makes me wonder if something is seriously wrong with me. *shakes head* Just want it to stop and be normal for a bit. Just a moment.

The good news: I got FURSCA funding. That was really exciting to hear. I found out when I was at Andy's last night watching tv with him and Steph. We celebrated by splitting a beer and toasting to a fabulous summer to come. Guess that means no Victoria's Secret working for Karen this summer, but that's ok. I think I'll learn a lot through my research and it'll be fun to be here with those who got accepted as well. It should be interesting if I don't get too lonely, too bored or too anxious to be somewhere else.

The coffeehouse interview went really well last night. I think I did redeem myself. I feel so comfortable with the managers. Its almost like the ones I'm afraid of are the volunteers or even the ones applying to live there next year. Like I don't deserve to join their ranks no matter how much that place means to me. I guess I really understand Brendan's fear of rejection and a little more why he didn't apply. I went back to the coffee house in the middle of the night last night. Alisha went to bed and I just couldn't sleep. I went over and Brendan was downstairs cashing out and cleaning up. I lied on the big couch in the darkness. That place. It has an aura. It's peaceful, comforting.. Home. But the coolest version of it. I don't know quite how to explain it. Being there with no one else, everyone asleep. There was a feeling in the air, it was thick and consuming. I stayed til 3. Almost fell asleep on the couch. Wandered home in the dense fog then fell into bed.

I wish people would talk to me if they are upset about me or something I did instead of... whatever. I just hate knowing something's wrong but no one will tell me what it is.

I left the ALD meeting this morning a little upset. I tried not to let it show but I hate how people can just quit things they're a part of. I don't know. I mentioned to Christine that I was really stressed out and I apologized for being so out of it. She laughed and said it was ok. I looked to my left and there was the President of the college. Good ol' PTM. Haven't seen him around campus in a while and he said, "Hang in there." He smiled in his ridiculous way and booked it towards the quad. Ya know, it was stupid and his excitement about this campus just drips off of him. It can be quite overwhelming and often annoying. But today, it made me feel better and I smiled at him. I only hope I can be as passionate about my job someday.

Class was the hardest it's been all semester to sit through. I'm just glad it's Friday and I only have one more left before the weekend. My mind is just flying around the room thinking of everything and nothing all at once. Can't focus for the life of me. I hate knowing I'm a pessimest in sheep's clothing. Or a wolf in optimist's clothing? whatever. I just hate knowing that.

Song: "One Hundred Stories Down" - Alkaline Trio

And yes, Ian. My Irish eyes are smiling today...
So I woke up on the morning of St. P's knowing it was going to be a fabulous day. I mean, I had a dream the night before about Ireland. Literally! I was in a pub in Ireland calling all of my friends and trying to get them to fly over (as if it would take them 5 minutes to get there). It was a great dream. So I knew. I was in for a memorable day. Well, it was a great St. P's day indeed. Arguably the best yet. And I love St. Patrick's Day. This is Irish red-head was out there kickin ass and loving every moment of the day.

My hair was in bouncy curls all day and I was in my green shirt and shamrock glasses ready to go. There was an excitement in the air. It felt like Homecoming, everyone was all in green and so excited for the night ahead. Kels mentioned after observing everyone's general nature, "Wow. Since when did St. Patrick's Day become such a huge holiday?" I answered with a grin, "Today everyone's Irish. And it's college. We'll find any excuse to party."

Nick hit on me in Theater History like he does everyday. And it made me laugh like it always does. Minjoe made the class fly as we all pretended we were slightly intoxicated just to throw the teacher off. Now, you have to understand the way we act normally in that class, we may as well be drunk off our asses because of how silly we are... all the time. I mean I fell off my chair once and knocked a whole row of desks down. We're always interjecting smart ass comments into lecture and thinking up themes for the day. It's always a riot. I don't think I could make it through that class otherwise and it's my favorite for that reason alone.

Class flew by in a blink (for the first time all semester I think) and before I knew it, I was Felpausching it with Kels, grabbin a quick bite and hanging with all of them at Minjoe's before they all went to rehearsal. It was nice to know I didn't have to go, but at the same time, I actually felt a little left out of the group. I got over it right quick though when Minjoe started dancing like a ballerina on his way out the door.

I went to Singled Out in the Stack with Alisha. We chilled out in our own way and watched the world unfold around us. We shared thoughts with a glance and laughed without a word being spoken. I love that girl. I got thrown up onstage by everyone to "win a date." I figured, hell, good cause, looks like fun, and what the worst that could happen? Free dinner? and it's not like I'll win anyway. Well the audience seemed to really like my dancing. *looks suspiciously left and right* and despite answering all the questions honestly,
*drum roll please* I still won... I won a date. *shakes head and blushes* With Tom, Jay's room mate. haha! :D It was hilarious when he saw me because we had just been talking earlier that day when I stopped in to say hey to Jay. It was really fun and winning a date really boosted the ego and made me feel good. And hell, like Tom said, "At least we get a free dinner out of the deal."

Ran back to the room, all giddy, changed and wandered out into the Irish night with A. We went to Twin first and took in the sights there. Got to spend some time with Amy and Christine. I really liked that, it was something I hadnt done before. Then A and I grabbed Steph and booked it to delt sig. I walked in the door and immediately felt at home. Drunken people dressed all in green every where and Kris had a special something ready for me when I walked in the door. *sly smile* I Irish danced to my hearts content all evening and had more onlookers than usual. I was in a fabulous mood, the best I've been in weeks I think. I honestly felt alive and with a huge group of people that I really loved. A and Steph were letting loose and I felt so good that not only was I with my boys but my girls were there too! :) I couldn't have asked for a better night or atmosphere. I ran into long lost friends who I haven't seen in months who chose this day of days to go out and have a great time. Ireland was done right by Albionians last night, indeed.

I stopped by TKE briefly and caught up with David and Steve for a moment. Ran into Jay for a little while as well and I was popular. Everyone was like, "Hey, aren't you that girl who won the date with Tom?" *giggles and rolls eyes* I was thoroughly amused.

Walked home with Alisha and Kyle. Kyle and I sat and talked. Straight up honest for a couple hours. It was freeing. I don't think I've ever been that straight up before. I didn't care, I was just telling it all like it was and it felt so liberating... And I feel like it opened doors for me and allowed me to see reality. There was clarity for the first time in a while. And it felt so good. So good.

After lying in bed with A and talking with her until 4 or 4:30, we hit the sack exhausted. I fell asleep smiling. What a great night.

Today I've been kinda coming off the night. News that I will not be journeying to Chicago on Saturday and that was actually good news. Now I can procrastinate on that paper even more that previously planned. :D So I watched mystery science theater 3000 with Brendan all afternoon, went to my study abroad meeting (holy shit, can't wait to get to London!) and went to class from 4-5. Today's judgment day for the coffee house.. Who will live there next year? Just got home from the volunteer meeting. We all had to present our case as to why we wanted to be there. I was nervous as all hell. More than I thought I would be. I was crimson the entire time and sweating. It was the least like myself I've ever been around all of them. It was really weird. I have one more chance to redeem myself in 15 minutes. My final interview with all the managers. And I'm ready baby! BRING IT ON! BRING IT! :-D

So that's all to report for now. In a great mood. Wow. That's a first in a while. So don't mess. ;)

"No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn."

Song: "Punk Rock Princess" - Something Corporate. hell yeah. hell yeah.

Procrastination 12 o'clock Captain!
Well, in feeble attempts to start the paper from hell (10-15 pages of mass comm revolutions.. yeah just about as exciting as it sounds) I have done the following...

~Watched American Idol with my room mate even though I swore I wouldn't get "sucked in." Well I did. Big surprise there.

~Got a huge stomach ache from the Betty Crocker "Bowl Appetit" that I had for dinner. Now, in my opinion I really don't think Betty Crocker would approve of ehr name being thrown around on such crap. It was some weird powdery cheese substance with pasta and very scary brocolli. But hell, I had just gotten back from riding and I was hungry so I ate it. (Don't get me started on Betty Crocker's opinion on her cake mix either). So yeah, stomach ache quickly followed to which I melodramatically exclaimed, "I couldn't possibly start my paper NOW... My intestines are in shambles!"

~I proceeded to lie in bed and breathe deep in the hopes it would make the pain stop. While staring at the cieling I devised a plan to use old sheet and make kick ass canopies around Alisha and my lofts to make our room look even cooler. And even though we only have like 2 more months of school left, that plan is so getting executed baby and room 305 will be the kickest assest place to be...est.

~I played frisbee with a cd. With Alisha while she was trying to read. A fruitless effort.

~I put on my huge head phones and plugged in a little J. Mraz, stomach ache now gone thinking, yes! now I will do it! Alisha joked that I looked like I should be flying a plane. The wheels in my head began to turn.

~I put my shamrock sunglasses on, grabbed my cell phone and proceeded to fly my plane. The cell phone doubled as walkie talkie and I flicked my desk lights on and off for effect. I bombed alisha with computer disks and hershey kisses and had a direct hit on her "tail wing" to which I'm currently celebrating with a fake glass of champagne. And now I'm documenting my brilliant success in my "mission log".. aka my bloggity blog blog.

Oh shit, it's going to be a long night.

Beware the Ides of March!

First day of school!!! holy cpar!

How the hell I feel better, I have no clue. But I do. I'm pretty sure my room mate had something to do with it. :)

On my way to the coffeehouse to get this hectic week started. Hope everyone survives this last stint of the semester. And don't forget to have fun, even it means saying screw it to the homework sometimes. This is the time of our lives, lets enjoy the heck out of it.

That's all.

Song of the Day: Cailin by Unwritten Law (because it's been a long time. and that song always makes me feel good. always.)

In other news, later that day...

So maybe this is all illegal in blogland to go back and "edit" a previous journal entry, as in add things to it. But I wanted to throw the Ides of March in there and I kinda ran out of time last night. So there it is. Beware! :) I got a phone call at 5pm from Brendan who was calling my cell phone while like 50 feet away from me at the KC (we do that) telling me to beware. *sigh* Ides of March sucks. This I've realized. I think someone has mistaken me for Brutus. Or asked me to be Brutus? I'm a little confused.

I saw Jordan tonight for a nice little visit. Alisha and I were immersed in a girly movie and he stopped by before his meeting. Made me wish the entire world, including me wasn't so busy all the time. But it was still a really great visit and it was really nice to see his friendly face again.

Finished my theater history presentation for tomorrow (tues) but still anxious about all the mini papers alexis and i will have to write to catch up. This end of the semester is going to be hell workwise. I hope I can make it. At least I don't have a show to worry about anymore. But that just makes me feel like I should procrastinate... ALL the time. It's ridiculous.

Went to Delt Sig briefly last night. Hung out with Kris and Matt. Actually, honestly had a great time with them. Kris hugged me forever and I asked why and he said, "you know I can read blogs just as well as the next guy." I smiled sheepishly. People are still worrying about me. The three of us were planning the many misdemeanors we're going to commit the rest of the semester as well as a St. Paddy's party. Because holy shit, this Irish woman is going all out this year. The celebration will last for days I tell you! (and my Shamrock sunglasses will become a permanent staple in my daily attire once it quits snowing!)

Came home and watched American Wedding in Kelsey's room with some of the girls. I really enjoyed it. This is the kinda stuff I haven't been able to do much all semester and I really had a nice time. Fell into bed around 2:30 a little more confused than earlier, a little more unstable, but exhausted.

I had a really unsettling dream last night. But that's to be expected I suppose. And now onto Tuesday.. here we go.

Horse show today. Placed fourth, but had my best ride ever. On Bert. I felt ver good about the day.

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. No, I can't sleep at all.

I got off the phone this evening feeling like someone just stabbed me in the stomach. yeah, you know that pain i was referring to? i put my finger on it. and oh boy, does it sting.

I cracked open a bottle of champagne with someone very dear to me this evening... what to celebrate you ask? "A clear bill of health," he said emphatically. It does feel good. And even better to know that so many people care. I got to get silly on the phone with John for the first time in months. Kyle's been so supportive and constantly keeps surprising me. My sister. Wow. And Alisha, she gets me through it all, even when she's not there. Brendan's heard me out every night (yes every night) of spring break in some way. Even when I didn't talk at all (which was quicte often). Stephanie cried when my mom told her that I was okay.. She literally cried. Her darling, Andy shared with me his relief today uncertain he was ever even supposed to know. Bobby hugged me really tight, at a moment in my life where I needed one most. A group of 40 little nuns were praying for me... It's really amazing. It makes me wonder what the hell I did to make so many people really love me. And that's just it. I didn't do anything. I even made some serious mistakes. And somehow people still love me. What a comforting thought...

One however that makes me uneasy. How others somehow forgive and move on when I haven't even forgiven myself yet.

And yet another night, feeling the sting... And the pain that often comes with reason. Since when did this dreamer let go of her wings. And just when she had them back again, reason like a stealthy criminal sneaks in.


Confused yet? So am I.

Actually more certain than I've been in a long time. And that's what scary. Knowing that I'm just out there, "sitting like Patience on a monument; smiling at grief" - yeah, Twelfth Night.

Don't fret, precious I'm here. Step away from the window. Go back to sleep. - A Perfect Circle

I'm back in Albion. And I'm overwhelmingly... lonely.

My stomach really hurts. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.

And, no, I can't quite put my finger on it exactly.

Do you ever feel like you've messed up? In ways unimaginable. I mean, you never thought you'd be this far off. You never thought it would be this bad. That you, immaculate you, could screw up things this much...

You see the right path, you see the path you "should" take... And then the other. And for some reason you can shut your eyes to it.

I'm healthy everyone. I'm fine. I'm healthy. The doctor said I am. And just two days ago I was crying in the arms of someone I hold so close to my heart, thinking that I was going to die. That I had cancer. Again, strong, immortal me... being facing with something real. But I am okay. I'm healthy. And I am more alive than I've ever been. More conscious of "living for the moment" than I've ever been.

It's the silence that kills me. The silence.

I hate this. Every song in my music folder on the computer makes me think of something. Or someone. And I don't want to listen to any of it. I don't want to be reminded of anything. I just want to... Sleep. Run away. I don't know.

What the hell am I going to do.

I'm trying to compose a poem about my experience at the hospital on Wednesday. Somehow put a collection of cliched statements together to describe it. It was really altering. Makes me feel like everything I'm worried about right now is trivial. But is something that involves another person's feelings ever trivial? But that's another topic. And it's making my stomach hurt more.

There are certain people I miss a great deal, especially lately. I heard the latest Blink 182 song and was surprised that it hit me as hard as it did. The video also had very striking visuals of a very dark and mysterious nature. I was especially struck by the women in the video, the way they expressed so much without ever speaking. And there was a part of the video that resembled a famous painting of Ophelia, drowning herself in the river amidst beautiful flowers and deep blue water. It really was a great video and a great song. Very gripping. I was pleasantly surprised.

And here I am. In the darkness. All alone. And my thoughts won't stop. My heart knows. But my head refuses to listen.

...Lost...

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue
the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
we can live like Jack and Sally if we want
where you can always find me
we'll have Halloween on Christmas
and in the night we'll wish this never ends
we'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as I stared I counted
webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

Wish I was smart like John and could figure out this whole comment thingy. Hey Crazy! can you help me? :)



In other news:

I saw the Passion tonight... Cried like a child. Will write more on this subject later perhaps.

Life is way too short.

Really, there are only a few things on my mind right now that fall under the "matters in the grand scheme of things" catergory. One is way too scary for words so I won't try. But all the other little stuff, come on, Karen. Get over it.

Yeah, but I guess we all let things get to us sometimes especially when we care so much.. and I really care. A lot. I know it may not seem like it. Maybe I should stop. No.

Reminded of a Dave Matthews song. Bear with me guys.

Celebrate we will.
For life is short, but sweet for certain.

you're right, Dave. you're right.

"True friends are the ones that love you and hold you up through your darkest hour. Real friends make you laugh through your tears and know that deep down, you are that person they love even if you make mistakes sometimes. True friends are more than a treasure. Real friends are angels among us."

This past day has been a rollercoaster of learning, emotions, and intensity. It all started last night when I tried on my formal dresses from high school and none of them fit. Slightly upset by this occurrence and the fact that I now really do possess "love handles" I decided to turn to one of the only people I knew would make me feel better... And there it all started.

I won't go into it. There's too much too tell. I was just left feeling altered, upset, and saddened at the face I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I'm human right? it's only human to make mistakes right? Am I really in the right to be tormenting myself so much because of this?

Honesty. Back to that whole "best policy" question I had before. And will people really understand where you're coming from even if you are honest. *sigh*

Besides being shocked and terrified, I learned the meaning of a true friend last night. One who stays on the phone with you until you cry yourself to sleep over your own mistakes and life's inevitability... when you count your losses, they are there. When all you want to do is be very dramatic about life's uncertainties and unfair occurrences, they hold your hand and somehow make you smile in spite of yourself. To those voices that kept me company last night, I can never repay you or show you just how much your friendship means to me.

I didn't get to sleep until 4 or 5 am and it was a restless sleep. I woke fairly early this morning startled from more nightmares. Combinations of life as it is here and my brother far away. Sometimes I really hate closing my eyes to sleep. My mind loves to play tricks on me. I went to the gym reluctantly, feeling sick to my stomach. Working out actually lifted my spirits somewhat. Then I spent the rest of the day in a funeral home... not very uplifting at all.

A good friend of the family passed away. A dear old man who I have come to know so well growing up. I used to fall asleep in his arms when I was six at the cottage in Port Sanillac. He was a pillar of strength to those around him, but he was "ready" to move on... whatever that means. Being at the wake all day gave me an impeccable amount of time to think about everything that's been on my mind lately and the recent developments since I've returned. Him and his death, my "mistakes", my family, my friends.. I found tears welling up as I thought about life. I couldn't tell you now whether they were happy tears or sad ones.. just emotional I guess.

My sister looked so beautiful today. People were asking her if she was a model. It's so nice to know so many others are noticing what I always saw as obvious. She is beautiful. Just wait til you get to know her loving heart.

I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow morning. "Another ditch in the road, you keep moving. Another stop sign.. You keep moving on. Wonder how I ever made it through. Another lonely high way in the black of night. There's hope in the darkness, you know you're going to make it..."

I talked to my mom tonight about the events of the past evening and told her it all, despite how much I was afraid to. She sympathized, she saw my side, she supported me. She understood. I should've known better. I shouldn't have worried at all. Just like I shouldn't have ever worried that Alisha wouldn't talk to me. My mother's gentle words and advice calmed me and I felt less like a waste of life when I was done talking with her. We spent two hours talking about life, our relationships, our fears. I learned things about her relationship with my dad that I never knew and the way she was growing up.. I see why I am the person I am, why I love people and why listening is something I'm known for... It's because of her. I love my mother. And I'm so blessed to have such a fabulous one. She told me that I'd live and that the fault really wasn't entirely my own. She knew I never intended to hurt anyone. I never do really, but sometimes it just happens. She is my hero, my strength and my guardian. She said in her cute manner at the end of our conversation, "Karen, I love you. And your support system sounds a little screwed up. I think that they might be the ones in need of some support." haha, my mom is seriously the coolest.

My dad asked me this evening how I was feeling. He had heard the rumor I wasn't feeling well this morning and wanted to make sure I was doing alright now. He asked if I had a fever, if I needed anything. You know, even when we get angry with each other, he will never stop caring about things, especially my health. Especially when he thinks his little girl may be in danger...

I told Brendan that I wished I was still up at school so I could retreat to the coffeehouse and sleep on the couch, one of the few places I always feel welcome and safe.. he laughed and said that they'd all be so happy to have me. But really, I'm glad to be home for this, to have some distance. And that wish is even more of a testament as to how much the coffeehouse is a home to me.

I love my dog. And I really missed him. Talk about unconditional love. And taking over 3/4 of my bed.

So where does this leave me? Still upset, yes. Still unsure, a bit. Still worried, yes. Still afraid of what tomorrow will bring *literally*, yes. At home, yes. Feeling better, yes. Stronger, yes. Smarter, I think so. Hopeful... You better believe it.

Excerpts of my Coffee House application... (for those who care for some reason)

What five cds would you play on your first night on call?
1. Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream
2. A Perfect Circle - Mer de Norms or Thirteenth Step
3. Ben Folds Five - Whatever and Ever Amen
4. Norah Jones - Come Away With Me (a live mix)
5. Miles Davis - Kind of Blue
(oh and some Iron Maiden - Best of the Beast for kicks)

What would your first sandwich board (that dry erase board in front that says what the coffee of the day are) say?

It's Wednesday Night! Do you know where your children are?
Working in a Nike sweatshop in some unknown South Pacific Island
House: Jamaican Blend
Getting their seventh piercing at Thor's House of Pain
Flavor: French Vanilla
Stealing the other children's Barbies and GI Joes... and lighting them on fire (oh you know you're a pyro too!).

Essay: What does the coffeehouse mean to you and why should you live here?
So, this is my chance to impress you all with my sincerity and eloquence by attempting to put to words exactly what the Coffee House means to me and why I want to live here. This is a little awkward for me, because I have never really felt the need to impress any of you. Never have I felt the pressure to conform or change any aspect of me to be here. You have each seen elements of me that sadly, I have often hidden afraid of what others may think. To be given such a gift; a place where I can be myself without restrictions is seldom experienced in today’s society. The Coffee House has become a haven where my silent opinions are voiced and where I go to let loose and embrace those qualities that make me interesting, not weird. I can relax and really enjoy volunteering. And can I tell you how strange it is to really, honestly enjoy working? I am sure you all understand.

I would really like to live here for all the reasons you love this place so dearly. I have heard a couple of the reasons why the Coffee House has meant so much to certain people. The people that live and work here are some of the most honest and sincere people I have ever encountered. I find myself looking forward to its open hours in the middle of an exam and searching for excuses to come and hang out even when it is not open. If I do get the opportunity to live here next year, I would want to clean it often, take care of it, and make it a place where people feel welcome. I would really like others to continue to be able to experience the Coffee House as fully as I have and revel in its tiny joys and warm atmosphere. Thanks for reading me blather for a moment and sorry if it turned a little sappy. Truly, I would be honored to be a manager at the Coffee House and even if I do not get that chance, I would like to thank each of you for always making me feel so welcome, secure and at home here. I am one customer that will always keep coming back (sorry!).


--- and the comment I recieved from good ol' Brendan was "It was awesome. Really cute. And you can pull off cute." and I know Nick and Alyssa thought the sandwich board was frickin hilarious... oh and Nick, of course thought my "brief" essay was too long. Go figure.

Ahh, there's no place like home...
Well. Here I am. Back at home for the first time since Christmas and it feels a little odd. You know that feeling everyone talks about getting sometime along their college career. That "I'm a guest in my own house" feeling. Yeah, got that. I mean, I'm still treated well and people have missed me it seems. And I've certainly missed being home; the familiarity, the sights and sounds, the way my bed feels when I curl up in it after a relaxing evening talking with my mom.. It's all so comforting. And while being here doesn't feel completely the way it used to, I'm still really happy to be here. There's no place like it on earth.

One of the best things about being home is Kathie. My sister. It's been way too long since I've seen her and had an honest heart to heart. We went shopping together today. We worked out again together today. She and I talked about relationships and shared advice. I don't know how I lasted this long without her presence. I'm so happy I have a whole week with her...

Speaking of Kath, we're going to Montana. For sure. We're in the process of buying plane tickets for the end of August and she and are takin to the woods yet again... I close my eyes and I can see Glacier in my head, heaven on earth. I've never been to Montana. It's one of those places Kath and I have always wanted to go and we get to experience it fully, together. I'm so lucky I have such a fabulous sister who brings out the adventure in me. :) The count down begins.

I made a new background wallpaper of happy memories, memorable moments, and very special people. It makes me feel good everytime I turn on the computer. I love it.

The last week of classes was somehow survived. I somehow escaped unsccathed. Midterms were a pain in the ass, but I think I put up a great fight against them. I got to spend a lot of time with A, Izzy, and my Delt Sigs. A, Izzy and I had a huge heart to heart Thursday night before break started. We talked in the darkness about how close the three of us had become. Alisha wept quietly while Izzy and I tried to put this semester to words. I got to talk to Izzy on our own as well. And the advice he gave me about my life is priceless and I hope that I have the courage to put it all to action. Alisha and I are trying so hard to hold on to our moments together. For various reasons. She's my best friend. I'm not going anywhere, A. I'm following you around for life.

I recieved a very crappy e-mail about ALD and a rather sad IM before I left Albion to come home. The ALD e-mail isn't even worth discussing, except that I got blamed royally for everything in that thing falling apart. Ridiculous. And the IM was from a long lost memory. A best friend, an old love... IMed me to say that he was cleaning out his room and throwing away all of our memories, all the things he has that I gave him, our book of letters. All of it. And if I wanted any of it to IM him. And it hurt. I can't really tell you why.

I got a belated Christmas present. Black velour vicky secret pjs... and i've never had more comfy pjs. i could lounge around in them all day. thanks :).

Kath and I took friends to the airport today so they could go to Vegas. And the car ride... we crammed way to many people in her taurus and we had wayyyyy too much fun. :-p oh dear oh dear, i have the coolest big sister and i love slurpees (oh and that station that broadcasts that live motorcity thingy..:-D).

Things are starting to silently make sense in the midst of all the confusion I've thrust myself into lately. Again, I hope the courage to take action on the things that actually make sense.

I got my hair cut. Not super short, but definitely different. Looks like I'm in the running for some change these days. You can never let things get monotonous. You're not really living life the way you should be if things get boring.

Ron called today while I was gone. He's in a tent, sleeping on a cot in the sand and "awaiting orders".. he's flown a little bit and already seen quite a lot. I miss him. Especially lately.

So much is said in silence. So much.

"Tears... the diamonds of the eye."

A quiet silence, falling rain... And it hits.
People's kindness continues to astound me. Steve wrote me a sonnet. Alisha held me as I sobbed in fear about something that could be very serious. Kyle studied Western Religions with me for two hours and made sure I knew it like the back of my hand for my exam today. And I got to watch the end of the Oscars with him and the other Delt Sigs who take such good care of me. Jordan keeps cheering me on. Steph's been throwing encouragement my way all week. John told me I deserved a Ryan and that I was in his thoughts during the show. The coffeehouse staff sat in the front row opening night of the show and were so proud of me. Starko told me i was HIS golden child. So many people complimented the show and my presence in it. Paul and his entire family made the effort to come see me. My parents miss me and my dad's no longer afraid to tell me so. A simple look from a friend. A smile of encouragement. Hugs. The list is literally endless... And in that past two weeks of fears and triumphs, all of your help was so... compassionate and appreciated. I just hope I can repay everyone's dear kindness.

Saturday night, I was engulfed with what theater means to me. It was personified for me. Something I could reach out and grasp. I had the performance of a lifetime. Everything came together. I was relaxed, I was no longer who I am, but someone completely different. Somehow she had elements of me in her, but it wasn't me. Viola was on the premisis. And I felt the presence of all those who weren't there. My sister was there, Bryan and his words, my brother, half a world away was there. It was cathartic and strange. Remarkable. Starko hugged me after the show and told me none of it was his direction, or anyone's for that matter. Just mine. Just me. And that, he said, is a sign of a true actor. And again, I'm found asking myself, what the hell am I doing desiring a normal life when my passion is right there. In front of an audience. To be paid to do that? To have that rush every weekend for a month... I don't know if I could even swallow it. All I can say coming off of such a show is... holy shit.

"I often wonder if my tears would ever be noticed if they didn't fall on a stage."

Roses... I love roses. I adore them really. The thoughts they provoke, the memories. They are very close to me. Shadows of the past. Some pleasant, some miraculous and some filled with such pain and hurt. My mother got me half a dozen red ones for the show. They had a sticker on the wrapping that said "Classy." She said that it was so appropriate she couldn't get me anything else. I haven't gotten roses in a really long time and I forgot how it felt, what it looks like to come home and have them waiting on a desk for me. And I know it sounds so cliche, but they really are one of the most beautiful things on this earth to me. The deep shade that could never be doubled. The way they feel to the touch, the scent that enters your senses even before you see them. I read a book once about a woman who adored roses. She lived her life alone with a little rose garden outside her window. She was forced to move from her home because of reasons out of her control to an apartment with no where to grow her roses. Somehow each day she would have a rose waiting on her doorstep. She later found out that it was her neighbor who grew to be her best friend and then her soul mate. The married and not a day passed when he didn't have rose for her. Not quite probable, very corny, but still... tugged at my heart. There's something powerful and unassuming lost in the romantic cliche of them. They're a comfort and a rarity. A contradiction. And God knows how much I adore contradiction.