Team Naked Takes the Cake
Sadly, despite the headline's claim, team naked (also known as "skins" and "nude") did not win the ultimate frisbee battle this evening. Although it was an awfully close match and we fought til the end. I love being here in the summer. When else can you get a whole field of 20+ people playing frisbee or soccer? Or get a room of 8 in a collective game of risk or monopoly? During the school year, that would never happen. Silly things like homework, meetings, rehearsals, practices.. all always got in the way. In the summer, we are queens and kings of this little town and we can love life and live it to the fullest. I even ran 2 1/2 miles in the woods after frisbee with Mike, Steph and Ben (this cool kid who's been all over the world). It's been a refreshing and fabulous day.

Last night Jason and I did a work out (to some crazy country music, much to his dismay) and some running together. It was nice getting out on my ankle again and see Vic Park at dusk. We came back and made a fantastic dinner. The works, spaghetti with meat sauce, shell pasta (aldente, perfection), garlic toast and cheese on top. It surely was a feast and we prepared it all after our hard core work out. And Steph, Jason and I enjoyed dinner together, talked, laughed, and joked about what it would be like to live in a house together someday.. Oh wait! We *are* living in a house together, haha. Later that night, Steph and I met Dan to pick wild blackberries. It was 9:30 at night and we were picking blackberries *giggles*. Dan invited us over for a movie and steph and i picked up some vanilla ice cream to put the black berries on. We met Dan at Burns and I could hear Amy Feder laughing from her apartment (a group had gotten together to play risk). I yelled up to Andy's to let him know where we'd be and Kopec yelled back to "Tell him yourself!!!" *smiles* Being here in the summer really is a trip... There we 8 of us packed into an apartment, all happy with our ice cream and berries watching Zoolander and laughing at the stupidity. And I couldn't get over that all but two of the people in the room I had never known before this summer... and such cool people. wow.

And today, did some work for most of the day and then went on a trip to jackson to get pie supplies and chips and salsa (which steph and I ate for dinner. all of it. ha.) We played ultimate frisbee tonight (hell yeah nakey!), then went running in the nature center (so beautiful and such fun!), stopped by Ben's apartment to see his digs, look at his pictures and here his stories about the millions of places he's been. Steph and I came home at 11pm we commenced the pie baking. Two perfect blackberry pies just came out of the oven, cooling right now and making the house smell amazing! :) Now, these chefs are about to fall into bed... Good night world!

p.s. how on earth i'm not gaining a million pounds i don't know. eating is like a way of life here, cooking, experimenting, etc. it's really all we do sometimes. and here all of us we're thinking we'd be on a forced diet being here over the summer. no siree! luckily we've been running, working out, and playing sports to keep our finely tuned nakey bodies in peak shape ;)

"May summer last one hundred years."
- Frances Mayes (and Sarah's profile)

There's something in the way you laugh, it makes me feel like a child - J. Mraz
(aka longest post ever!) Well, dudes, its been way too long. I figured that after putting off blogging again and again for the past week or so, I should finally update.. if not anyone else, myself, so I can look back on all this someday and smile. I've been doing that a lot lately actually. Reading old blogs. Seeing what things were like 6 months ago, where I stood, who I was with, what made me tick, comparing it all to now. That's why journals are so great, they gauge just how far you've come and how far yet you have to go.

So where did I leave off? The piston's just won I think. Yeah, wow, that's like old news so it really has been a while. I've been keeping busy as I'm sure you can obviously tell. Two thursdays ago I went on this great, random drive. I had my perfect cup of English tea and the company of one of my nearest and dearest. We drove and drove far into the night, far into the deepest corn and wheat fields. We dodged little critters, marvelled at trees curving and curling into the road making it seem like we were passing through the darkest green, mossy tunnel. We pulled off the side of the road, turned off the headlights and stepped out. The wind was blowing softly, making the trees above dance. The darkness was next to overwhelming. It covered every inch of us. Fireflies blinked and twinkled through the fields and above us like stars that moved. The silence almost made your head hurt with sensational splendor. Reminded me of something from the past, a moment similar. A fireflied field I'll never forget. The air smelled beautiful, cedar, pine, wildflower, sage... Mm. Yes, that was a moment of this summer that I'll remember when I'm old and grey, a memory of my youth; perfect, pure and adventurous.

JP and I randomly went to Jackson on Thursday to fix his bike, go to meijers (and watch him try to pick out frozen chicken) and get taco bell. What a cool kid. I wish he wasn't going to Australia in the fall. Even though he's going to have a great time. Punk.

I went home this past weekend, sadly didn't have time to ride or go to the dark horse before I headed back, but it was nice to be home. But my mom came to pick me up and she and I had a lovely dinner on the way home at a cute little depot in Mason. It was nice catching up with her. My room at home was being used by my sister so my place of residence was the couch in the front room. I didn't mind in the least. Like I've mentioned before, I really feel like Albion's my home now. So in going home, I mean.. I am a guest of sorts. I was exhausted so that night I kinda just fell into bed after staring in wonder at the new contraption in the living room... the television! (up in Albion, we have no tv, it's been cut out for the summer) My sister and Paul stumbled in about as soon as I fell asleep and woke me up. The three of us talked and laughed in the front room, almost not caring in the least that parents were down the hall. Kathie was leaning on me and I was playing with her hair as they talked about their evening at Tiki Bob's. I couldn't help but smile. Montana was going to be amazing. And I keep feeling like I'm getting closer and closer to Kath. It's great to have a sister who is so close in age that you can honestly be best friends. I love that.

Saturday came and went in a blink. The parents left for vacation and my brother, Mike disappeared for Nevada. It was just Kath and I. And it was awesome. Having a house ot ourselves with no parents. I told her I could see this for us in the future. If neither of us get married right away after school, I'd love to move in with her. We seriously had the nicest time. We went to Todd's grad party, got a little tipsy together, lied in the sun all day and grilled steaks for dinner in our bikinis, watched chick flicks, worked out at the gym, threw our own "parents are out of town get together" and I made dinner for her everyday when she got home from work.. It was really a great slice of independent life. And while I didn't get quite as much done research-wise while I was home, it was still great.

Alex returned from Italy with smiles and stories. He and I got to hang out and catch up a bunch while I was home which was nice. We even got to watch Keeping the Faith (catholic and jew watching that movie.. hilarious) and eat chocolate and dots :). And I can't believe I'm heading out to New York to see those guys in about two weeks. It's just a mind blow. Am I even ready for that shit? Being independent in such a huge city? Fending for myself for the most part.. And turning 20 there. Part of me's sad I can't be here for that, but I guess this is a once in a lifetime thing. New York, the Hamptons, my friends. It'll be a birthday to remember for sure. And hopefully all my friends here will still celebrate with me when I get back (*hint hint* :P).

I attempted yet again to reconnect with Kurt. And finally get that coffee we keep talking about. And it almost worked. But didn't. And we're back to square one. The story of my life with those I care about lately it seems. Oh well, when we're both ready, we'll meet up again. When he's finally forgiven me. Or when I've finally forgiven him. Well.. more so when I've finally forgiven myself.

I love Sarah W. Holy geez, what an awesome girl! She's so ridiculously fun and a great friend. Sarah, what would I do without you, really? And David... I really wish I remembered what the hell we talked about. Miss you, punk ass. :)

My brother Ron called on Father's Day. Right after I went out and Kath went to sleep. I was really sad to hear his message and know I wasn't there to pick up the phone.

I've been aching to write lately. Things are getting busy so it's hard. Plus I can't just sit down and do it. I have something started but it sounds and looks like shit. Bah.

I'm torn about going off campus. Spring or summer? Seems like an easy decision, but it's giving me an ulcer. And I need to get on my horse about that really soon.

I drove back to Albion on my own for the first time ever on Wednesday. It was great to be in the car on my own. But after the night before I had a lot on my mind as I drove so it wasn't quite as pleasant as I had hoped it would be. Once I was in Albion, though, I felt a million times better. I stopped by Felpausch and they were having a little kids pony ride in the parking lot! I breathed the air here again, unlocked my door, put my stuff down and smiled. I was home. And I finally had control of things again. So much better. *sigh*

Wednesday evening was a great relief. I played soccer for the first time this summer (because of my ankle injury) and it was such fun! To run around victory park with all my friends, new and old, with the sunsetting, it was beautiful. Steph and I made dinner and did pilates together again and that night was just relaxing and pleasant. Thursday we celebrated Miss Mann's birthday which had been on Tuesday. It was so good to see her again. We were playing ultimate frisbee that evening (which I also made my triumphant return to!) and she came running towards the field and i ran to her. She and I had a few moments to catch up that evening and it was so nice, a few moments alone to comiserate, share, confide. After ultimate frisbee Stephanie, Zack and I picked blackberries and that was just.. well, damn cool. I love albion. The party itself later was a big hit. We had fireworks for her, a great birthday cake and lots of happiness. Everyone was acting silly and falling all over each other. And Steph seemed honestly happy. She said her birthday was kinda a let down, so I could tell being here with all of us really touched her. :) I hope it was a perfect day for her, because holy shit does she deserve it.

Friday was just an all around great day. I woke up early and worked out with everyone. Then I took my own car (which was SO nice to have) out to Lora's at 2 to ride. I was supposed to meet Brandon out there but he didn't show up til 3:30. It's amazing how much Lora trusts me now. She didn't feel like she had to watch me while I rode and took a nap while I was out in the arena. She even asked if I could watch her house, feed the horses, ride and do whatever I wanted while she and her family went up north for the 4th. I could hardly believe it. She trusted me that much. I was truly touched. I walked out to the pasture and Phantom came right to me and nudged my tummy. Cute. It's like he knows I'm the one who rides him now. Love it. I tacked him up and walked out of the barn with him into the sunlight. I climbed up on him and put my arms around his neck. I held him close a moment, felt his breath. I smiled. Genuine. Not often do I do that. And we rode together. Just us. For the first time I rode completely alone. I talked to Phantom at first, like I was uncertain. And after a while it was just the wind in the trees and his and my hard breathing as we rode hard. I even took him out back and did what I've always wanted to do.. I galloped him down the lane out to the back field. Trees hug over the path and I felt like I was flying or racing in the derby... it was phenomenal. Brandon showed up and couldn’t figure out Pete’s bridle. And again for the first time I felt in charge. That I actually understood tac, horses, all of it. I helped him tac up, cooled Phantom down and took off. In *my* car. Listening to *my* country music. And smiling… Life was good.

That night I took off with the crew to Lansing to see Fahrenheit 911. It was fun, road tripping it out there with everyone, catching up with Andy. We stopped off at Taco Bell and Andy and I ordered the exact same thing.. oh, taco bell. You are so good. Haha. The movie… was… well. I’m speechless I’d have to say. There aren’t really words to describe it, what it did to me, how it made me feel. I was expecting it to hit me hard, but wow. I’m still having trouble wrapping my brain and heart around all I saw in that movie. I cried. Rather unexpectedly. I mean, I knew it would come. Andy prewarned me. Which is why I knew I wanted to go then and see it with the people I did, my support group, my angels. But at that moment, I didn’t expect it. There were American troops just walking in front of a building and… it exploded. And so did they. And so did I. Tears streamed steadily and I tried to hold it in. But when he interviewed the mother of a Marine helicopter pilot who died in Iraq, I just couldn’t take it. It sounded so familiar. She sounded familiar. The words she said were thoughts I’ve had. The last letter his family received from him sounded so familiar. My brother talks like that sometimes. And the movie pinpointed my worst fear that I haven’t quite put to words before… Surprisingly not that my brother will die while he’s in Iraq. But that he will die… for no reason at all.

That night I was in a “mood” as Jason described so well. It was fun watching everyone get trashed and it was so good to see my delt sigs again and have them proclaim me as their family sweet heart again. We sat on the front porch swing. I was the only girl there, sitting between Ian and Kris who told me how much I was missed and it was all very comforting. By the end of the night, beer pong was going like whoah in the basement, people were peeing off the side of the porch and running around naked upstairs and after a round of mariokart at andy and mike’s and a chat with steph, I was ready for bed. I locked the door and fell asleep all alone as the world embraced life all around me. All I really wanted to do was crawl into my cave and cry.

Saturday was a good day for the most part. My parents picked up the car much to my dismay and I ate a nice lunch with them. I spent the majority of the afternoon with Andy and Nick driving around and taking in the waterfall at victory park. It was a really beautiful day, sun shining and breezy. Saturday night was depressingly lonely. But only because I chose to let it be. It was the first time it dawned on me that I was in the middle of no where. And so many people had gone home. I felt very alone. I hung out with JP for a bit and ate some salmon and rice (really good) and then turned in for the night. And I actually had a really nice long conversation with John. He made me laugh and I got to hear the things that have been on his mind lately. It was a pleasant reminder. I miss him a great deal. And I hope that life blesses him with happiness soon. He’s another amazing person who deserves so many more smiles than he has right now.

I got all my work done for my meeting today with Margaret on Sunday and enjoyed lazing about, despite bouts of loneliness. I played soccer yet again and scored my first goal to the tune of “America the Beautiful” as the Albion Band played in the band shell at the park. And I enjoyed watching a silly made for TV movie last night with Stephanie and Andy called Soul-Sucker or Soul-Eater or something. :p Oh to be blessed with only two channels to watch, good times indeed.
So that catches me up on most things. I probably missed something. Ahh well. Enough, I’m sure. Way too long as usual. Thanks for reading, faithful friends.

"I hate to say it, but you’ll never relate what makes you tick, it makes me smile. You said that I should get away from it all. And bury my head in the sand for a while. I think you should thank me now. You were lying wide awake in the garden, trying to get over your stardom, you’re my baby…"

Can I just say how proud I am to be a PISTONS fan?!!! A Detroiter??? A Michigander?!?! All of the above!!

We kicked some Laker ass!!! Hell yeah! 100 points and a big gold trophy...

Holy geez, I'm so proud of my boys! :)

Reality Check for Rosey Posey
"When I can't fly, you give me wings and lift me up into the starry night sky..."
I'd like to apologize for the depressive state I've been in for the past week or so. And to all those who have noticed and made attempts to pick me up. Thank you. It's been a week full of discoveries, good and bad. And I know you all have felt it before. That storm that takes over. The one that sweeps you off your feet, lifts you off of the ground with rain, hail, wind and lightning. That's the way this week felt on the whole. Just one big lack of gravity. Lack of control. And it's amazing how scary that is. To know you can't stop it. You just have to let go... Let it take hold of you and run its course. And hopefully in the end you'll land on your feet, relatively unscathed... Stronger. That's how I feel now.

Just as life can hit you all of a sudden and you realize how beautiful it all is, how blessed you are, how lucky... Life can also hit you in the opposite fashion. Even the luckiest person with "everything going for them" feels that way sometimes. I hardly ever feel plagued or unlucky. I'm hardly ever pessimistic. There's something John used to say to me. That the thing he loved most about me was my positive outlook on things, my unwavering optimism. And as soon as that was thrown into question, he'd always get worried. He called me yesterday. Worried. That's when I knew I needed to shake myself from all of this.

This week made me feel like a spoiled, emo, drama queen. Looking back on it. The things that upset me.. Some are valid and others.. ridiculous. I say I'm lonely, but for God's sake, I'm not! I'm so blessed by the beautiful friends that surround me each day even here, in what appears to be the middle of nowhere. I get phone calls daily from people who like me, enjoy my company and desire more of it. What the hell am I thinking that I'm lonely? Just because I don't have someone I can call my own. So what!!! I don't need a boyfriend to make me complete, I'm pretty damn complete on my own. And I'd like to thank each of my friends who reminded me of that one thing I hold so dear to... My independence. My realization that I have so much and the bonuses are just that, bonuses to happiness I already possess.

I realize I dwell on the friends and people I love that I no longer see. Whether they have left this world or simply no longer desire my company, they aren't around anymore. And instead of looking at what I have in front of me, the people who have entered my life, not to replace those who left, but to give me a new take on things. I'm so lucky. I'll miss those gone forever, I'm sure. But like Jordan, sometimes you have to just let go, as well. I'm not alone and the people I do have amaze me all the time.

I am alive. And healthy. With many instances of that being thrown into question. For that alone, how can I let the little things get to me? Oh, and did I mention the great family I have?

My brother is in Iraq. Yes. He's in danger daily. Yes. I think about him all the time. Yes. He's still alive though. He's doing what makes him happy. He's protecting me and all the people I love and hold dear. I still have him and not everyone can be as lucky as I am to say that. For those people, my heart goes out, aches and prays for you.

My sister told me she loved me yesterday. And that easily threw the whole world into perspective.

There are things that don't make sense. But that's life. There are things that will never go quite the way I want and that too is life. As are the mistakes I make daily and the little things I change each day to make myself a little better. We are all blessed in different ways and we each carry burdens no one else sees or would ever understand. I am loving others, because I simply can't help it. Have you noticed the good in people lately? I'm growing, I'm learning and screwing up along the way. And that is life. And I'm a human being. It's actually normal. Perfection is boring.

I think I'm writing all of this down so if I ever feel like that again, I can come back here. Read this. And it will remind me before I let it get to me. It will keep me from getting swept up in the storm and instead just watch the rain as it falls outside my window.

"i can't do it..." she said quietly into th darkness...

"i just can't. i give up." she said with a vindictiveness unknown. call it a bluff, call it fate... she was here. she was at that point.

"Only love would save me now, only love..." she said with pain as she tried to fight back the tears.



"only love..."

part of a love letter... i never got to send.

"...I have no idea where the road will take us, or what tomorrow will bring. But I do know that what we have shared is seldom found. And whether our necessities allow us to travel the rest of this unknown journey together; know that you will remain a steadfast presence in my everyday thoughts and a permanent resident in the deepest confines of my heart."

sweet dreams, world.

"As lost as I get, I will find you." -nin-

Just a few things before bed...

This night was one of the best I've had in a long time. Not because of the activities (while they were great), because of the people who touched me this evening.

I went to yet another Fondu party at Jor's apartment. The place was packed with people. New faces and old, coming together, laughing heartily at life. Seeing Jordan so happy, I could tell he loved having so many people there enjoying themselves. And to see him and Amy. So happy, so in love, so perfect for one another. It makes me smile to think about. I'm so glad for them. I recalled a past journal entry this evening...
"Isn't it funny to watch people in love... the way their whole demeanor and outlook on life change when they pick up the phone and hear their strength on the other end of the line. the smile, the pink cheeks, the giggles; even the tone of voice gets lighter, more at ease. I only wish to live my life as lovers do, see the beauty in simple words and glances. Everything is brighter and even more captivating when you're in love and imagine if we all saw the world like that..."

I also went to Charlies to watch the Pistons. A great win by them but the smiles and laughter around the table made it all even more worth while. People who had never known each other before this summer, before FURSCA forced us to broaden our academic horizons (and God forbid, forced me to meet and befriend some chem majors!) just sharing a table and stories. It was really fun to step back and thin about.

I've been talking more to Sarah Wingo lately. She and I have been connecting even more than I had anticipated. She's a great person, so passionate and ambitious. She also has a strong faith in others. We've been sharing our concerns, fears, and news to one another for the past day or two. And I really like it. Confiding in each other. I feel very comfortable with her and it makes me realize that whenever I do leave this place, the theater will be in very good hands. :)

Had another great online chat with a voice from the past that I miss dearly. And the words... beautiful. The sentiment, perfect. Can't wait to talk again.

Jordan, my dear Jordan called me tonight in tears. He let go of a love tonight. Someone he's held onto, a memory he's kept for a very long time. He let go of it. He mentioned how much letting go of something like that is like death. Never to see the person that used to make your world brighter ever again... It is like death in that way. You mourn their loss and sometimes it takes quite a while to fully let go, even though you know deep down you will be okay. It was nice talking to him on the phone, catching up, being there for him. I only wish I could be a little closer for a hug.

On a fluke, my computer spazed so I was forced to call Brendan, someone I've actually been meaning to call since summer began but never did for some reason. Well, now I clearly had a reason so I did. And it was great! We laughed like old times and its funny how you don't realize how much you miss someone until you talk to them again... Definitely miss tha kid and early coffeehouse mornings.

And now it's somehow 2:30am. How did that happen? I need to get some sleep asap. Here's to an eventful weekend ahead! :) Lotsa work and hopefully.. lotsa laughter!

so... i'm going to New York.

Officially. Now. For those who don't know, this actually was a question of late. I had a really bad feeling. Like I shouldn't be going for some reason. But let's just say having a couple of friends smack me and say, "Karen! WTF?! New York! Go, or I'll go for you!" really.. well, helped. I threw it into perspective and really I'd be missing out on so much if I didn't go. So my adjustment was to go two days later than planned, so as to stay for 5 days as opposed to a full week. I think that adjustment was all I needed to quell my fear. I'm just really intuitive. That would be one of the first words my mom would use to descibe me. So when I get a bad feeling it usually means something. I'm hoping this time it doesn't mean anything. Since I changed the dates I feel better. And now I'm just... well STOKED! more on this later.

realizations of the day:
1. my big clunky shoes make me feel important.
2. your favorite emo kid is back. black hoody and all. i love black. (hell yeah, laura k.)
3. i need to write kurt a letter
4. i love my mother.. she is the best.
5. the bathroom here really is starting to make me feel like i'm at summer camp.
6. one word for mar... derp.
7. it feels like i have an eternal cold when I'm up here during the summer.
8. i wish i could just pick up with Kath and go to the Smokies this weekend. that's the kind of adventure i really need right now.
9. whatever happened to lazy days in Armada?

today's deep thought:
"The hardest thing about moving forward... Is not looking back."

"I can be a nightmare of the grandest kind...I have the bravest heart you've ever seen.And you're still here."
Since I’ve gotten back to school things have been a little off… I mean, I’m not sure exactly how to even begin to describe it. Just the events of the past few days have been a combination of awkward, depressing, relaxing, baffling, useless and useful all at once.

I watched the Hours with my room mate on Thursday night and she and I took turns falling asleep. It was a really weird, hard to follow movie. Maybe I’m just stupid. *shrugs* Being home to talk to Steph was really nice though. I missed her and we actually had quite a bit to catch up on. She went home for the remainder of weekend though so I’m on my own right now. Maybe that contributes to my state of mind.

I love my sister. The way we laugh together, the way she knows me more than anyone else. I’m so lucky to have her watching over me.

I read this list of 50 things girls wish guys knew. #43 made me laugh. “Don't screw us over.. especially if we have an older brother or protective guy friends.They will hunt you down and kill you.”

Speaking of brother, I just woke up from a nightmare about him. I hate them. I wish I could never have one ever again. I go spurts without them and while I think about him everyday, it doesn’t really affect me (except that once a month explosion of tears). But when I have dreams like that… He’s dying right in front of me in a very violent way and he can’t hear me screaming and crying, I can’t touch him or help him. I’m like a prisoner being forced to watch him… I wake up in mad tears and pools of sweat. Thinking of that and crying for that makes me think of everything else that’s going wrong right now. And I’m just a wreck now. *sigh*

I called Bobby for the first time in weeks last Friday. He was busy in rehearsal, but answered the phone anyway. I’m not quite sure why. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know why either. We talked for about 10 minutes.. It was weird like I knew it would be. He said he was looking for the courage to call me. What courage? Sometimes I really wonder what ever happened there. It was nice to hear him though and know he’s doing well. He said he would give me a call in a few days, but I have a feeling it won’t be for quite a while. And I’m okay with that. Sort of.

I’ve been listening to boy bands of my youth again. *rolls eyes* Yeah, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. But BBMak all of a sudden is good music again. Which is horrific to think about. Not so sure it was even good music in the first place. All my music loving fans out there are probably ready to kill me now. Don’t worry, I’m an APC girl forever. Promise.

Speaking of music, I saw the music video of Evanescence “Everybody’s Fool”… talk about a kick ass video that makes me proud as hell not to be a model right now. Even though I still dream about what it might be like if I had taken that chance. Seems I’m not alone on doing that kind of wondering these days…

Friday I went to the barn with Brandon. He came in from GR to ride and gave me a call, wondering if I wanted to go. Now, I’m not supposed to be doing anything really athletic for a week or two til my ligaments totally heal. This supposedly includes riding. Um, yeah. I went anyway. Now before all you folks who care about me (you guys there?) start yelling, did you really expect anything different from me? We got to the barn and I immediately felt better. About everything. The world made sense again. I was back where I belonged, finally! I was surprised at Phantom’s mood. It matched mine today; very placid, but ready to go… hard. I brushed him in silence and planted a few kisses on his neck as I walked to the tac room to get his saddle. I saddled him up, put his bridle on and as opposed to his usual fidgety nature, he took it willingly. It’s like he knew me again.. like he was as ready as I was to do this again. I got on him in my pj pants and tank top, no helmet (because I wasn’t supposed to be doing all of this in the first place) and a huge smile that never left my face. It was so fun to ride with Brandon and Elena (a family friend of my coach). The horses were competitive today. They ran hard and wouldn’t stop until they caught up or beat the other horses in the “race.” The sun was shining, it was warm and holy geez was I happy. We rode for an hour and a half. There was some excitement when Knight took off on Brandon when he was taking off his bridle. We finally got him back, but wow can that horse run. Lora got back from work and told me to quick go home and change. We were going out. *smiles* Ran back to Albion, put on some jeans and a t-shirt and then we all headed out to the Dark Horse tavern.

The Dark Horse is such a cool place. The regulars have their own beer mugs with their names hanging on the wall. Everyone knows everyone there and the walls are covered with history and cool knick-knacks. Our table was made from a real door (handle and all). And the bar outside on the patio was made from beer bottle mosaic and other tools, screws, etc. And the thing they drafted beer from outside was made from a car engine! With a tail pipe coming out of it and everything. The night was really fun. Lora’s husband got drunk and I had the old drunken regulars hitting on me and telling the best stories. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long long time. The open mic acts were actually pretty good and it was nice out, the stars shone and every one had a smile on their face. Now this is what summer is. Warm nights like that. Lora drove me back home and gave me a huge hug telling me how glad she was I got to come out and that I needed to call them this weekend and they’d bring me out all the time for the rest of the summer… The ankle pain I felt that night was remedied by the huge smile that didn’t leave my face.

Kyle surprised me Saturday. He is usually one of my favorite familiar faces and it was nice to see him. I guess he had planned on taking me to South Haven for a picnic. I couldn’t go. I had other plans. I was also really confused. Last time I checked, it was a lapse of reason to ask me to hang out. But maybe I’m completely off, I’m not sure. All I know is it hurt to see him go, but I didn’t feel like it was my fault. And that shows me that I’m growing a little. In some small way, things are starting to make a little more sense. Or maybe I’m just not ready to grow up.

I haven’t done anything all weekend. I’m having such trouble staying focused. There’s so much to do but I really barely know where to start and I have a stack of work from Margaret. I just can’t force myself to sit down and do it… Maybe I’ll try to do some of that now. *shakes head* what the hell is going on around here?

The Cranbrook Caper
On a fluke of sorts, I went to Cranbrook’s prom last Wednesday. *insert all laughter and criticism here* I was unsure about it. I mean, I’m old right? Too old for this. But then thinking about it, I mean I am only 19, a year (and a little more) older than everyone there. And it IS Cranbrook, a place I love. The last prom I went to there resulted in a girl’s broken back and her being paralyzed in a car crash I was in… sitting right beside her. So, yes, I was scared. But I knew I missed something by not going the first time. I wanted to go. I almost needed to go. And Alex offered, so I figured, let’s take a chance. It’s one night. And it’s one I sure won’t forget.

My mom said I could write a book about going to Prom on a limited budget. It’s like I had it down to an art. My dress was new, but obscenely inexpensive (and looked like a million bucks), shoes were 10 bucks, did my own hair, made my own boutonniere. My mom also mentioned that I was so calm about the whole thing. She could tell I have grown up. Alex picked me up and we went to take pictures at his friend Ben’s house. The group we went with were really freaking cool kids. I mean, they were all hilarious and kind-hearted. I didn’t feel old, they seemed to be my equals on various levels…Well, aside from the Mercedes and BMW’s they all drove. *rolls eyes* You guys gotta hear this. We went to Capitol Grille for dinner, a really expensive restaurant in classy Somerset. We got valet (something I’ve never experienced before) and the restaurant was beautiful.. Candles on tables, men that put your napkin on your lap for you and refilled your water glass without you even noticing. *shakes head* While I was laughing at Alex’s friend Jeff telling a story, Alex leaned over and said, “That’s Jeff Vlassic.” I didn’t respond. “As in Vlassic pickles,” he said with a sly smile. My jaw dropped. I was floored. What a crazy experience. The other two girls and I did our bathroom trip and ran into two other women who showered us with compliments and advice. One, a slim, beautiful Greek woman who barely looked 30 (who mentioned she already had 3 kids) told us to date lots of guys. She said be choosey, find exactly what you want and don’t settle for less. Then… make him have to work to get you. “Men like difficult women,” she said with a grin as she picked up her real Prada purse and glided out the door. We giggled and then went into the mall to get Ashley a new camera battery. Being in the mall all dressed up was a trip. The long legged girls took the lead and the guys in their tuxes casually followed us. I looked over at Halley and said, “You know, this is the first time I feel like I actually fit in here?” She laughed and slipped her arm in mine.

We got to Cranbrook safely (with only one joke from Alex about the last time I was at prom.. and only in reference to the fact that the last prom he went to he was in a wheel chair with a shattered knee cap). And it was enchanting. Luminaries lit the walk up to the quad where the prom was being held. The quad was all lit up with white Christmas lights and large floodlights lighting the huge fountain in the middle. The tables had real table clothes and beautiful flower/candle center pieces. They had hot cocoa for when it got colder and fondu and fruit in martini glasses as refreshments. The stars shone brightly all night and it was a surprisingly warm evening. It really was ridiculous. But so so beautiful and I was really glad I was there. I met countless people and it was so strange hearing college plans (Harvard, Stanford, Notre Dame) and them talk about cruises to Greece and Europe trips like they were 'every summer' occurrences… And the strange thing was they probably were. I confided to Alex about my rejection from U of M and he couldn't believe it. And looking back, neither can I. But I ended up where I belong I feel. There was one moment that stuck out in my mind as particularly poetic and beautiful. There was a large, half circle stone bench that surrounded the fountain and later in the evening it was lined with couples.. cuddling, chatting, laughing, just being together. They were lit softly by the glow of the fountain and it was simply stunning. Everyone I met accepted me as one of their own and I really felt a part of the group I had become acquainted with by the end of the night. We went to the afterglow briefly which seemed like a prom in itself the way it was set up so nicely in the gym. I grabbed a vanilla latte from the cappuccino stand and we headed to Christian’s for the real party…

Now, when I was in high school, we never partied. I mean, we “partied” but never ever like that. These kids could hold a candle against any group of college students out there. It really was nuts. We drove up and Ben was in a Police shirt with a big stick directing parking and Jeff was laughing at him from the steps with his red cup. *sly smile* The party was such a good time! I got to talk a little bit more one on one with some of the girls. And I sadly asked this guy, Drew where he was going to college. Expecting to hear the usual Ivy League response he said, “I’m going to Albion.” I literally jumped on the kid hugging him. Haha. I was like, “YES!!!” I told him we’d have to party together next year and for the first time all night I actually felt like I went to a college worthy of these upper class smart kids. Jeff brought 4 bottles of very expensive champagne for the “important group” which I was surprised to find out I was a part of. When I asked if I was in the select few, Jeff said with a smile, “Of course you are, sweetheart. Of course!” Alex said I was a hit. Everyone really liked having me around. And that’s one of those things I can look back on and smile about. It was a great night and people who I had never met before really, honestly liked me and wanted to have me around. And were sad to see me go. All in all, I’m glad as my mom said, that I took the chance and didn’t care what people would think because I got an experience that is different than anything I have ever encountered before.

Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy...

The past few days have been a wild ride to say the least. I'm still dizzy from it all and I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on the work I should be focusing on (there's so much of it, stacks and stacks). Plus I haven't updated in a few days and if I don't write all this down I will surely forget. So here goes. (p.s. thanks so much for reading this, whoever you are. it means more than you'd think.)

I left for home the Friday before Memorial Day. My sister came up to pick me up and the ride home was pleasant and it was so nice to finally catch up with her again. When I'm up at school, I sometimes forget that there's no other person in the world that's better at advising me and providing unwavering comfort. I miss her so much when I'm away. Home was a welcome sight. My mother greeted me with open arms and my puppy licked my face. *sigh* I was home again.

That night I went to Temple for Shabbot service and even more important, Alex's graduation from Hebrew School. Now, this is something very important to him. He's been going since he was 4 and has become a student teacher to the younger students. He was even chosen to give the sermon at the graduation service. I knew he wanted my support there. Plus, I’ve been meaning to go back to Temple for a long time so it was really nice to be back. The service was beautiful just as I knew it would be. I felt much closer to God than I normally do and it was very comforting. I was also welcomed by so many new and familiar faces. Cliff grew up to be an awfully tall kid still saying that I should call *him* sometime :-p. Adria, Alex’s little sister was sweet and absolutely adorable. She and I shared giggly moments and she instructed me on the parts of the service I had long since forgotten. I had a long talk with his grandfather as we were both left to our own devices after the service was over. I only have one set off grandparents still living and I hardly see them for long amounts of time so it seems I had forgotten how wise and understanding our elders are. I learned so much from a 20 minute conversation. He really has come a long way and he didn’t hesitate to share his insight and kind advice to me. I love reminders like that.

Saturday I went to the doctor’s. I found out I tore two ligaments in my ankle playing ultimate frisbee last week. *sigh* I’m in an air cast now, but still relatively no pain so it’s not keeping me from the important things I’ll go into later *wink*

I spent some quality time with the Montana trio (hey, that’s great. I like the ring of that phrase).. Kath, Paul and I went hiking boot, backpack, and other odds and ends shopping. We checked out possible freeze dried foods and even contemplated silly matching hats. We hit up EMS and REI. I know already this is going to be an unforgettable trip. I am literally counting down the days. My sis and Paul are such cool people and to be outside again… backpacking, where I belong.. I just can hardly sit still thinking about it.

Memorial Day weekend was really really nice. I got to watch Rocky with Kath and Paul, eat pizza and watch the game. I got to lay out with Kath and girl talk while I read my media theory and she read cosmo. She and I experienced high Birmingham elegance (being completely underdressed) and laughed through it all. Life was just grand. It slowed down a bit and I got to be in the comfort of my own home with my family. I proved to my father that I am independent and business minded when I applied for a credit card on my own and figured out my cell phone problems without any prompting on his part. I think he’s finally realizing he can start to let me go. And I think that’s really hard for him. For both my parents. Their last baby is nearly on her own.