Something fun, something stolen... Something to make me smile. :)
Please participate and leave Anonymously

1. one secret:
2. one compliment:
3. one love note:
4. lyrics to a song:
5. how old you are:
6. how long we've been friends:
7. a hint to who you are:
8. one memory we have together:
9. one word that describes me:

Speaking of silly... My advice: Kiss a moose... And have a great week! :D

"Start by admitting from cradle to tomb isn't that long a stay."
What is life without sillyness? Life is too short not to embrace it. Experience it fully, whether it is a mistake or a milestone... Leap. That's what life is for.
I miss shivering... I miss a lot of things.
It's that time again. The time a week before a show. There's a constant energy in the air. An electricity. I feel energized at all times even if I'm exhausted. I thrust myself completely into the show and it becomes truly a part of me. I look forward to long rehearsals. I seldom complain and I wake up every morning with a smile. I'm truly happy. And I'm trying so hard to enjoy every second of it all. Get the most out of each moment because in a week and a half it'll all be over. My last and only college musical. My affair with the mysterious and fascinating Sally Bowles will be forced to be terminated to get back to reality. My Mike and my Andy will be graduating and this is the last show that I have with them. I have yet to come to grips with that reality. That soon I'll be without two of the men that have made me look at life a little differently, touched me profoundly and made me learn to laugh at life and myself. Soon I'll be the oldest. And soon I'll be the one everyone lets go of. Strange.
I met with Starko today to work on stuff for the show. Instead of working we just talked. I updated him on my life and he smiled saying that I look better, that he can tell I'm sleeping better and that I'm happy. Part of it is just "show glow" but I think part of it is sincere. I'm working some things out. I'm letting some things go. I'm learning how to focus. He said he can tell I've been working my ass off and that I'm going to be spectacular. To hear that from him just completely lifted my spirits. He looked at me and said the reason why he teaches is because of students like me. The ones he sees so much potential in that actually reach it. The students that don't plateau and stop. The ones that keep going past greatness. I couldn't fight the smile. He thought that I was great, that my passion really has reached beyond anything I could've imagined. I can't wait until the show. There's still work to be done, but it will be... crazy.
I cried tonight during the last scene of the show. I felt it for real. I know it's here. Sally has entered the building. Jordan came up to me after rehearsal tonight, hugged me and said softly, "Sometimes you are her. And sometimes she's you. And it's really sad... yet really beautiful to see." ..It hurts sometimes, but I love it.
I miss riding. More than I think words could describe. I took my helmet out of my closest and dusted it off. I don't know why but I can never force myself to take it home. It's like somewhere in the back of my head it comforts me. The thought that I'll ride again soon comforts me.
Oh Kelsey Lynn, I adore you. And I'll never forget our night of laughter, tears and understanding. Oh and the bruise from falling on my ass, that was awesome! :P Cheers to you, mate and here's to the duo that will undoubtedly take LA by storm someday! And I really hope I get to come with you and Meghan to Myrtle Beach for spring break!
song of the day: High and Dry by Radiohead
I love this house. I love these girls. I love that my clothes smell eternally of coffee. It's almost like I'm a smoker, the smell stays with me everywhere I go. I love it. I love it when Pete and Nick play here and we are packed in like sardines jamming it out to covers of Pearl Jam and OAR. I love leaving for class, peering into the bathroom to see my Jaime cutting her own hair in front of the mirror. I love Amber's clothes when she comes home late at night covered in clay and a smile. I really love her laugh too. I love when Jessica just comes into my room, sits down and smiles. I know I'm in for a story or just her beautiful, energetic company. I love that everytime I hear Pete Yorn from now until forever I'll think of my Jill. And how she has the greatest style and sense of self I think I've ever encountered. I love this house.
Clinging to Rilke with all my strength. Trying to be strong and not let my true feelings show. Even though they are screaming to be let out...

Please.... Come see the play. February 23-26 (next weds.-sat.) at 8pm. Only a dollar for students. It would mean the world to me to see you there.

Rilke's Pipe: A quiet mumbling...
I love the feeling I get at the end of the day when I take out my contacts. It's like all of a sudden my eyes can breathe. They blink, sparkle, smile to themselves even. For a moment or two I see more clearly without them. Everything is sharp, contrasting, vibrant. Like all day I lived in this hazy cloud of clear vision but when they're taken away, even if the world's a little fuzzy after that first moment of clarity. I almost like the world better this way. It's real, not manufactured.
Happy Valentine's Day. I hope it is a beautiful one for you. I both loathe and adore Valentine's Day.
I've been feeling very predictable lately. It's like everything I do doesn't seem to surprise anyone. Even decisions that are thought out carefully, painstakingly weighing options, I make my choice and no one seems to be moved in any way. Its just like, "Oh that's just Karen. We knew she'd do that all along." Feeling this way is a little scary. Especially when I feel like some of my choices are huge and deserve some semblance of a reaction even if it's a bad one. I need to know if I'm screwing up. And how am I going to do that if most of my peers (not all, Miss Wingo *smile*) do the "Oh it's just Karen fucking up again," thing, but don't share that thought. I really don't like being that kind of predictable. But it's funny, lately the things I miss most are the things that used to be predictable. I miss the comfort in them.
I've been thinking about the definition of "romantic." Of course the first thought that comes to mind is "something of or pertaining to love or feelings of romance." But I am struck by another definition of romantic. A literary definition. A story of curious exploration. Adventurous, daring, bold, exciting... Shouldn't love be that way to? Not just goupy and sentimental. But serendipitous and sometimes stupid or hasty, always life-changing, full of risks, sometimes dangerous or hazardous. Love should be a grand adventure.
I was inspired to fall to my knees last night in apology, in loss and pain, in desire and necessity. I didn't listen to that inspiration. Was it the right choice? Or was it a mistake?
The freezing rain makes this sound on the gutter outside my window that's next to my bed. An almost inaudible tapping. Like a kitten's paws on the kitchen floor. Like Stella scratching at the front door. I'm going to miss this house.
What am I to do with all this silence?
It's the quiet in the night that gets me. The reverberating sound of my own thoughts bouncing off my walls covered in posters of memories and connections to past events or feelings. It just echoes. My body is exhausted from a day of being me.. busy with every little thing. But my mind is still alive, willing my hand to reach out for a pen and paper to jot down scattered thoughts and misgivings. Reach out for my drawing pad and record a moment in time there in sweeping darkness of charcoal.. the kind that leaves dark marks on the side of my right hand where it accidentally sat in apprehension in the darkest portion of the portrait.
I should write all this down, it's coming out more like a poem than I anticipated. I wish Rilke would appear at my doorway right now and read me his poetry until I fell asleep. He would have to sit on my futon covered in dirty clothes that I see him as being very unappreciative of. He would glance over his tiny spectacles at the pile of black clothing in only slight disgust. He would place himself gently on the edge of the cushion, clear his throat, smoke his pipe a few moments with pulsing accuracy (I see him as a pipe smoker) filling my room with a white-grey haze. He would then begin with his first elegy in the original German. And I would understand every syllable, because this is most likely a dream if Rilke were to really appear. He reads.. Cautious at first, watching my every expression and reaction as if I was the first he admitted these thoughts to.. then easier, fluid with dark tones almost as thick as the mist still emanating from his pipe now set gently on my desk. I would wake in the morning and his pipe would be the only prop left behind.
***
I have found myself consumed. Full to the brim... with hopes. and fears.
And in spite of everything, I'm smiling. Because I am feeling each cut and each warm embrace. Because what have I to be sad for? Life is indeed.. powerful, moving, a source of such happiness.

"We might as well be strangers for all I know of you now." - Keane
Long delayed post, I just kept putting it off. But today I feel the need to rant and ramble a little so here I am. It's been an interesting, pretty eventful past few days but only a few things of great merit to report. I commented to Jaime the other night that I really feel like all I ever do in my room now is sleep. And those periods are few and far between. Just busy as ever I suppose. I thrive on this though, I live for it. The constant places to be and things to do. Luckily I really enjoy most of my classes (except Geo Hazards of course in which Andy and I would rather be shot in the foot than endure another painful 2 hour lecture) so that really helps when it comes to studying/reading for class. Theater for Youth is a chance to be a little kid again for four hours a week and it's a class I actually really find myself looking forward to. Family and Interpersonal Comm is okay, it's stuff I find slightly stimulating so I guess it works. My tutorial with Margaret is amazing. I always feel so smart around her, like I actually have something worth while to say. And it reminds me so much of FURSCA, it almost makes me sad. I miss FURSCA so much. Andy mentioned showering in the gutter during that rainstorm with him and Huff. I nearly forgot about it. Stuff like that makes me smile. What an amazing summer last one was. But this one sure holds promise.. Smokies with Kath, London Internship, Dublin (to Irish dance on a pub table if it's the last thing i do!), and Berlin. Yes. Berlin. I still can’t fathom the idea of being in Europe for 8+ weeks… wow.
I’ve been reconnecting with people I haven’t seen or heard from in months over the past couple weeks. I’ve stayed in contact (off and on) with Kurt, Bobby, and Katie since Christmas break and reconnecting with all three. They’ve each provided their own pieces of advice and support lately. Bobby’s constantly giving me musical theater advice, how to get better and checks on me after nearly each rehearsal to make sure I’m still standing and feeling good about myself. This has proved a necessary commodity. It’s been nice to talk to a fellow actor and friend about the show. Spent a couple hours on the phone with Mar the other night. That was a spur of the moment surprise seeing as we haven’t really talk talked for about a year! It was nice to catch up, hear how life in Philly is and make fun of each other’s accents like we used to. These past weeks have been just filled with really pleasant, beautiful reunions. I hope they keep coming…
Things at the house are going really well and we all refuse to admit we’re into the second and last semester living here. I turned in the budget just yesterday. I’ve actually pulled off being a financial manager. What a feat. We’ve each become closer, yet a little more distant this semester if that makes sense. I miss Felicity nights, times when all five of us would curl up with our blankets on the floor and giggle our way through episodes upon episodes of our tv show of choice that day. We have sparse connections here and there. Three of us together. Or in pairs we talk about how stressed out we are or pissed off we are. It just seems like a little bit of the excitement from last semester has disappeared. And before we know it, we’ll be moving out. Putting our dear little house into the hands of five new residents.. Wow, that’s really depressing to think about. I just hope as soon as the play is over I can try to rope us all into a room more often. They live right down the hall, but I really miss my housemates.
I love sleeping… but lately my dreams have really been rather disturbing.
The show is coming along slowly but surely. I still adore going to rehearsal. Dancing, singing, acting, pulling off all three at once! It’s my escape, my way out of the drama that has recently taken over my life. Isn’t that funny? I look to drama to escape the drama. Ha. Anyway, I feel really good about it, we’re not nearly where we should be but I have complete faith our cast will get there. And I’m so excited. I still sincerely can’t wait. PLEAAASE come. Feb. 23-26. And the cast is just phenomenal. They are such fun! Just yesterday I ate lunch with Mike and he had burned me a cd.. just because he thought it was a band I’d like. He was right and it was one of the sweetest things someone’s done for me in a long time. Thanks, Mike. I’m really enjoying being your leading lady and I pray the weeks ahead go slowly so I can enjoy every minute of the people around me.
I still haven’t gotten my book of Rilke poetry in the mail and I’m desperate for it. I really hope it comes soon.
My housemates and I have taken to playing a couple daily games lately. Besides the “showering solo” and “accepting company” game with the showers (we have two shower stalls, like real world), we play two others. One is called. “One, two, three, he’s yours.” In which you watch people walking by house and each guy that passes the person who’s “it” either says, “I’ll take him!” or “Pass.” You have two chances to pass and if you pass twice the third guy is yours for sure. Silly girly game, yes, but you’d be surprised at how entertaining it can be at 9am. The other game is just two questions. “Who would you kill today?” and “Who would you have sex with today?” Also, a fun game. Gets out some aggression and cues in to crushes and funny stories. I encourage you to partake in both games. And if you want to answer those two questions, you totally should in my comments :). Okay, time for rehearsal. Grand adventures everyone..

Sie halten mein herz in ihren händen...