Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
"This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming."

now there's one more star upstairs shining down on me...
one more angel keeping me safe, watching me as i sleep tonight...
the streets of heaven are crowded tonight...

Jack, my faith will never cease and niether will my love and gratitude.

No God... I don't want another angel.

He's been there since I was born. He was the father I never quite had. He was often closer to me than my own flesh and blood. He was family. He is the reason I'm still Catholic. He's the reason I never lost faith in love, life... or God.

And it just isn't fair.

I want to be at his bedside now as he passes from this world. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me all the things he told my mom to tell me...

A journal entry from last April...
" I drove out toward Ferndale. I parked on the street in front of the familiar house and tentatively walked up the steps. I knocked timidly and after a couple minutes the door handle turned. I was shocked at what I saw. A tiny, fragile shell of a man stood there. His frail appearance was only emphasized by his 6'5" stature. It took him a few moments to connect vision to memory. A small smile across the face once so full and bearded in white. He opened his arms to me and I slowly stepped into them. I remembered being a child, just turned 8... running up to Fr. Jack to tell him about my newest presents. I could hardly get my arms around one side of his husky chest. Now as I hugged Fr. Jack my hands touched and I was almost afraid of breaking him. I sat across the room from him and got the urge more than once to crouch at his feet like I used to. I remembered our long talks on his back porch as I held his hand and told him how hard it was that my brother joined the Marines. And the last time I saw him came flooding back... When I cried and cried. When he had just been diagnosed, when he was still himself, when he hadn't let go of hope yet. And now we almost felt like strangers. Conversation was hard. He had little news aside from long days and the recent decision to stop kemo. He used the word "wicked" to describe it. I can't even imagine. It made everything I went through over spring break even more real and even more frightening. I talked like I was afraid of the silence. And I actually had plenty to say. It's odd to look back on this year. All the things I've done, experienced, seen... It's certainly been quite the year. As I spoke he looked up at the ceiling with a tender smile, envisioning it all, I could tell. He asked me the usual questions, school, boyfriends (to which the answer was long and complicated), and most importantly faith. "I still have it," I said quietly, "even if it hides sometimes." He mentioned that faith is like that sometimes, but it's always there. Just like love. Sometimes you feel so alone, but you never really are. Patience, he said. Always remember patience. I stayed for an hour and gradually I remembered why I adored him like a father. I remembered just how close we were and I nearly forgot yet again that he had cancer. I gave him a hyacinth plant still green, unopened. His favorite, he said. He loves watching things bloom. Like me, he said. He told me I was beautiful and when he hugged me, I felt like he was finally letting me go.. I was no longer his surrogate daughter. I was a woman in his eyes now, ready for whatever life threw at me. His job was done... I got into the car and shut the door. I turned the key, opened the sunroof and slowly pulled away. I couldn't stop the tears dripping onto my jeans by time I reached the first stop sign."

He told me that day he'd always be there for me. He thanked me for unconditional love he could've only expected from a daughter, love he thought he'd never get the chance to receive.
His job isn't done. It isn't. And I'm not ready for him to go. I'm simply not.

Why won't the tears stop... God, please just make them stop.

Instead of writing a paper... I carved a pumpkin today. And I'm so excited because it looks like Jack. And I'm going to be Sally for Halloween. how sweet is that?!
"We can live like Jack and Sally if we want...
Don't waste your time on me
You're already the voice inside my head."

On Sweetest Day... and being ridiculously sweet...
Alisha came over tonight and her, Jessica and I laughed... the kind of laughter you seldom experience. The belly aching, echoing, tearful laughter that just feels so good. I don't even remember what we were laughing for exactly, I just remember the feeling... And the company. It was priceless.
Alisha and I then watched the ending of one of our favorite girly movies.. Emma. We smiled softly, gushed and nearly cried.. like we always do. I gave Alisha a huge hug and about 5 minutes after she left the doorbell rang...

It was dark out. I saw a lot of suits and said to Jess up the stairs, "There's lots of people outside." I opened the door and Jordan was standing there looking absolutely stunning in a dark suit. He invited me onto the porch and rejoined the other men who formed a half circle in front of me. I felt the tears form behind my eyes. They began to sing... I was shaking and a bright shade of crimson. It was beautiful. I heard Jess scream from inside then turn the porch light on. I was suddenly in a spotlight and the boys gradually got louder. The song finished almost as quickly as it began. I ran to hug Jordan now not able to stop the tears. He handed me a single red rose, wished me a happy sweetest day and told me who the serenade was from... I blinked and smiled in amazement. Thank you.

"But I feel so full of error, so mistaken in my make-up to deserve you."
"And what of my flaws? I have humbled you and lectured you and you have borne it like no one could've borne it...
Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us so perfect for each other." - Jane Austen's Emma

I thought everyone might be interested in my art... This is one of my favorite photographs I've ever taken. I hope you like it.

"Only in the quiet darkness, after the lamps have been put out and the leaves fall softly to the ground does it all begin to fit. Only then does your heart tell you your path."
So I’m sitting here in my empty house in my dimly lit room listening to a little jazz and just… smiling. Kinda laughing to myself really. Life is full of shit. But it’s full of even more surprises. Beautiful ones. I’m shaking my head at life. Amazing, intrigued, inspired, ready… For the first time in years… Ready. And honest to God, the optimistic person all my friends knew and loved until I settled into my dark cave. Well, she’s out ladies and gents. And better, bolder, and more hopeful than ever.

I feel like simply updating on recent events wouldn’t really be enough to explain the kinds of change that I’ve gone through lately. I started off the semester in a deep depression due to the losses of the end of the summer and beginning of fall. Life, I was convinced, had bit me in the ass for the millionth time in one year. My state of mind even caused some people to tell me to go seek out help for it… Close people, friends. I was scared. I tried to act through it, I tried to smile through the stabbing pain. I was not myself. Enough so that people noticed… The true failure of any actor. I was caught and I couldn’t seem to pull myself from it.
Then I did. One day, just like that, I let go. I was just sick of the self pity, the angst, the anger and the longing to share it all with someone. I was on my own, but I had the best friends I could ask for right here. I had all I needed and I was finally happy with it. I learned that mistakes are simply inevitable. And mistakes are almost as important as really good choices. You learn equally from them, if not more so from the mistakes.
It was opening night of the show and it had gone surprisingly well. Despite mishaps, we all had massive amounts of energy. Because of the grand success (and the fact it was a Wednesday night in albion), a few of us decided a celebration was in order. We started at TKE in Steve’s room, just gathering people, then we made our way over to delt sig. Once there, we proceeded to have group therapy in a Ian and Jason’s room lit by their soft red light. We took turns asking questions in a circle. Hardly 5 minutes into the questions, we were all bearing our souls, telling long forgotten secrets and opening wounds and glories we had let go of. It was one of the few moments in life that people click; simply, unassumingly, instantaneously. There were six of us that ended up taking a walk because I really wanted to. One loop around the quad, running into campus safety, Sarah and I skipping ahead. Steve had the bright idea to go to the nature center. It was ridiculously cold out so we stopped in whitehouse to get sweatshirts from Gerrard and Charlie’s room and we were off into the night… Now if you go to Albion and haven’t experienced the nature center at night, it’s one of the coolest experiences you’ll have here. I highly recommend it. The moon shone brightly through the trees onto the forest floor, casting impressionist painting shadows and figures. The six of us walked deep into the woods and found a field. We all split up in pairs or individually and fell into the field, eveloped by it, swallowed whole. The grass formed a canopy around us that the stars shone brightly through. “They look like caterpillars crawling across the sky…” We all lied down together on the bridge over the river, interlocked, close to one another. Sarah smiled at me and there were faces to every side of mine. It was a very spiritual and emotional connection to all there as cliché as it may sound… It was miraculous, exquisite. I came back from that night a changed person, more awake, more alive, conscious of life and those around me. I hope that everyone is lucky enough to have moments like that with people like that.
I wrote a 10 page paper in one sitting. I watched Dr. Strangelove for the first time, made a soccer player trip with a simple word, almost got hit by a car, and prevented an accident by playing a little red light green light… *shakes head* since when did life get this sweet?
I skinned my knee the other day. It took me back to second grade, when no one had balance and falling off your bike was almost an everyday occurrence. I forgot how it felt. I also forgot what it was like to have someone take care of you. It seems we all get caught up in our own life, taking care of ourselves that we forget what its like to have a mother or a friend there to help… I watched in awe as someone dear to me placed a bandaid and Neosporin over my wound. To be cared for in such a simple, yet touching way…it’s a feeling that makes me smile to look back on, days later.
Went to the Flogging Molly concert last week. It was really fun especially with all my dear friends that went. No Irish dancing occured, but I really enjoyed the mosh pit action, especially draggin Jess in with me. :) And Alisha really liked it, happy belated bday sis! Jason, thanks for trying so hard to get me onstage, it really meant a lot to me. *heart*
Fall break was surprising. I left early Friday morning with Paul, two large coffees and a tired smile. We drove the 7.5 hours up to Marquette through some horrendous rain and fog across the bridge. It was a pretty drive none the less and Paul and I kept up the energy and the laughter came refreshingly often. We met Kath at work and I can’t even describe how good it felt to see her again. That night we went to Up Front, an amazing restaurant pub and then Flannigan’s, the ultimate U.P. Kareoke bar. Somehow I got in claiming being twins with Kath. Kathie, Paul and I sang away the night til the bar closed at 2am. It was so fun to sing with Kath again, be with her, laugh with her and hear about her tumultuous love life. There’s Chris now. Ahh, Chris. I really hope that works out for her. I can tell that she is into him, really. No matter how much she shrugs it off. Heehee. Saturday we drove up to Michigan Tech in Houghton and I was reminded of all the time I spent there in my youth. Summer youth programs, backpacking, visiting Ron. That place just holds so many good memories for me. And they just got a brand new performance arts center… can I say *drool*. Holy geez, maybe if they get a sweetass masters program soon I can wander up there for a few years. We watched the end of the football game much to Paul’s delight and headed home for a really relaxing night of watching the backpacking video and reminiscing about our summer. Kath and I had a pow-wow that night. We had a whole lot to catch up on, for sure. We talked boys, work, school. We lied in the same bed giggling until we fell asleep. I miss her so much sometimes, it really aches. Paul and I made the long stint back Sunday and my mom told me not to come home…
I was kind of sad to not be able to go home. Makes me realize my life really is here now. Even my parents see it that way. I got in late Sunday night and right away I knew my fall break would not go to waste. It was actually a really memorable and pleasant couple days. I watched two movies, lots of the Price is Right, went on starlit walks, curled up in a blanket with hot cider to talk about the important and unimportant. I learned how to drive a stick shift on a country road, played checkers in an ice cream shop, went to the smallest and cutest cider mill I’ve ever seen, and fell asleep knowing I was safe.. and that I had no reason to set an alarm for the morning. I didn’t get anything accomplished productively, but it felt amazing and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I was reminded of a choice I made the beginning of sophomore year. A judgement, an assumption of someone so important to me. In that one choice I became that person I despised, the person who stands upon her golden pedestal cursing people who had simply one element of who they are conflict with hers. It was a mistake. One it took me a while to cope with and one that I’ve grown and learned from. And last night I was faced with a similar choice. Thankfully I’ve grown wiser. I see the person for who they are now, not the label they have, not the beliefs they hold. A beautiful person is a beautiful person, no matter what race, sexuality or religion they foster. None of those things are your true identity. They are simply parts of the intricate person you are. I have a dear friend who does not believe in God. But under all Christian standards and doctrine, he is perhaps one of the most kindhearted and forgiving people I know. Just because he does not believe in a God that I do, does that mean I should write him off as unfit company? If I had, I would have lost one of my closest friends. And every lesson I’ve learned from him and every smile and fulfilling moment we have shared would be no more. And that is just as ridiculous as telling someone they aren’t worth your time or love because they are a homosexual or an Asian. It just doesn’t make sense. But love… love makes perfect sense.

That was my soap box for the day. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was something that needed to be said. As fall break draws to a close, I’m so lucky to have the people I do. I don’t know what I did to deserve this happiness I’ve stumbled upon but I certainly am grateful.

"To quote my grandfather, you bet your britches!" :)
Autumn has taken full effect in Albion. The air has a chill to it, the trees are starting to turn colors, and everyone's taken to sweaters and warm blankets. I adore the fall. It's by far my favorite season. So much change, so much brilliant tones and the chill in the air just makes you want to curl up with a blanket, hot tea and a good book. Plus Halloween is just around the corner...
Updates, updates. It's been a little while since. Alisha turned 20 this past weekend. What a beautiful woman she is and is on her way to becoming. My best friend, my angel. I don't know where I'd be without her. She's really taught me so much and I don't think many people could say they know half as much about me as she does. She truly is the sister Kath and I were supposed to have too. She's given me strength, hope and honesty; true gifts. And it was amazing to be able to spend so much of her birthday with her. I was with her when her b-day officially began (midnight friday) and hung out with her at Kyle's. She sported a German flag and a smile. My parents and I took her to dinner on Saturday and I gave her a clock of one of her favorite pictures and told her it was for our apartment for next year. :) Can't wait to live with her again. Saturday night we hit it hard at the cast party...
Speaking of cast party, the play came off amazingly well. I don't know where it came from but I feel that it was one of my strongest performances I've ever had. How amazing to feel that I'm getting better with each show I'm in. So many important people to me came and a few I was expecting and hoping to see didn't. Guess I'll never be able to show those people where my passion stems from. Because those that came.. you saw it. That's the stuff that makes me tick. That stage, that feeling. I got roses from an amazing man backstage and my family marvelled at my performance. I felt overwhelmed with love and support. And to those that came more than once... thank you :)
The cast party was crazy as ever.. as cast parties often are. It was great to let loose and have fun with not only my closest theater friends but with Alisha too! There was dancing, daring actions and all sorts of bonding going on and finally I felt in touch with my theater friends again. It felt wonderful.
Play week was obscenely hectic and tiring (as it always is). Sorry to those I lost it with and those that felt ignored. I just get in the zone and don't really see much outside of it. I was fighting to stay afloat and putting off all studying and homework.. til... today really. So right now what am I doing? I'm journaling and procrastinating a little more. woot to that.
When I hear laughter down the hall, I don't know what it is. I just feel the urge to drop everything I'm doing and see what's going on. And my room mates laugh A LOT. So I'm pretty much screwed anytime I try to be productive around here.
It's breast cancer awareness month. It hits home a little differently this year than ever before. Puts me into a time earlier this year.. A dark time for me. One I'm still struggling through. So please. Say a prayer, donate what you can, support the cause. Because it affects or will affect people you love.
Sometimes only in stepping outside of the box do you realize what's really happening. Realize that you might not even be in the same box you thought you were to begin with. All I know is I'm in the box I belong in. Even if it isn't etched in gold.
Thanks to those who have been listening to me lately and giving me sound advice or no advice at all. For catching my tears, thank you. I'm not confused anymore. :) And I'm so comforted by the presence of those around me. Because they choose to be around me. They love me with all my mistakes and all my good choices. What a great feeling to know that you aren't being judged, simply loved.
The 8-ball says "It's decidedly so." Oh dear... this might be a long semester indeed.
I've been really missing my siblings lately. A lot. The four of us just need to be together again right now. I don't know if I can wait until Thanksgiving really. That's too far away.
Song of the moment: "Chicago" by David Berkeley
Fall break is days away.. Can't wait.
So today I reached the point of true slacker... It was 10 past the hour. Our prof for Spanish is consistently late. We started to leave. I was towards the front of the group with the football players. As we walked out of the building, there was our prof about 20 feet from the door to our left. Some ran back to the classroom, then there was me... and the football players. We bolted. And I skipped class in the most obvious way possible. I felt like I was in a movie running as fast as I could behind ferg. It was actually a great feeling... very... Felicity. Not too smart, but a great feeling none the less.
Well, it's nearing 7 and this slacker's definitely needing to start her paper from hell. Enough putting it off. Alright long week, time to kick you in the ass!!! Leave some love for me if you have a moment.

I love my house mates... The Coffeehouse is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. :)