Now I need you more than ever
I need you more than ever now
You don’t need it every day
But sometimes don’t you just crave
To disappear within your mind
You never know what you might find
So come and spend some time with me
And we will spend it all at sea - Jaime Cullum -

I've been finding it exceedingly necessary to escape lately. Things have been stressful, I've been frazzled and tired. And only once in a while do I feel really good, really alive. So yes, it's been necessary to run off once in a while. Where to? Oh, it changes. Who with? Usually just on my own but once in a while with someone I feel comforted beside. I've been needing that prescence lately. Those people that just love you. They don't ask questions. They're just there. They make you realize how lucky you are. I've been up to a lot of locating those people lately; seeking them out and basking in their company. Finding myself smiling without forcing it and laughing more than I have in weeks.

I went home for Easter and was actually not looking forward to it as much as I most likely should. I mean, I love my family but these days it's been harder and harder to go home. My parents, my grandparents are aging. It's harder when I don't go home as often because instead of it being a gradual and unnoticed process that's perhaps a little more humane, I see them change in drastic chapters each time I get the chance to make the 1 1/2 drive back to good ol' Woodward Ave. It's just hard is all. I have this image of my family living forever and it's becoming more apparent that that just isn't the case. And that's a really sad coming of age realization.

Home was nice though. In the comforting way it always did. Napping with my dog is a highlight of every visit home. Mm. Few things in life compare to that. It took my mom 10 minutes to realize my new hair color and simply said, "You're hair's different." I kinda laughed and explained what had happened. While I was loading my car, I came inside to get the last of my crap and a reading group was quietly meeting in the living room. A guy I know by name and face but have never really had the chance to get to know smiled at me and touched my arm lightly as I walked by. I stopped and he said, "Karen, do you need any help at all?" I was taken slightly aback at first. A little surprised. I mean, I don't want to sound high school about it but he's one of those popular guys that wouldn't be caught dead talking to a misfit. But I guess that's a major difference between high school and college. While we all carry our insecurities and identities with us, we're all on the same page here. There's no unspoken Catholic high school code of who you can and cannot associate with. I smiled, still slightly in shock and shook my head. "Thanks, but I'm almost done." His eyes glistened a moment and then he rejoined the group in the living room. Now, before you go thinking that this is a smitten, schmoopy-eyed documentation, I sincerely hope you know me better than that. I was taken with his kind gesture. Makes me have a renewed faith in people. Even people we wouldn't normally get along with.

Easter's a hard time to be without Fr. Jack I came to realize. Everything about it takes me back to him. Spring, renewal, the things he would say about becoming the best version of yourself. I went to his gravesite and cried on Good Friday. I had missed mass and my mother was put out. I felt the full force of what my lack of faith has done to me. Lately I've felt like a shell of a person. Like my existence is dependent on my mistakes. And I have oh so many. I keep waiting to be found out. That those I hold so dear, the ones I talked about earlier who love me.. that if they were to find out the bad choices I've made, the times I've been a horror of a human being.. if they would still love me. Jordan told me something comforting weeks ago that I'd like to record here. It's something I've been clinging to lately when my self image has been waning. I hope it makes you feel better too. Because I trust Jordan that it's true.
JTroisi830: but don't forget how much you are loved by those around you. it's more than you think and it's what makes you who you are.
FireflyKG: even when i make really stupid mistakes?
JTroisi830: love makes room for mistakes

My grandparents got a new dog. They asked me to name it. I named it Lucky. Because it was lucky to be saved, they are lucky to have him.. and most of all I'm lucky to have them still such a big part of my life.

I had to do a family tree for my family and interpersonal comm class over the weekend as well. I got my mom's help and learned that my grandfather who died when I was really young drank excessively and was bordering on alcoholism. He also smoked like a chimney (which I did know). It was strange because my dad said something about how he wished prohibition would be brought back. I realized my father never touched alcohol. He drank just a little in college but since then has been really against it. I feel something deeper and painful is there, like it took his father away so he wants no part of it. Sometimes I wish I knew my dad a little better. Especially lately...

I got to see Anna while I was home, too. I was a little uncertain I wanted to deal with her evangelism this weekend considering my current relations with God. But I took a chance and met with her. Long story short, we ended up talking for 6 hours. We picked up like we had never been apart. She told me I was a sister to her, that no matter what time or distance seperates us, she'll always see a sister and a best friend in me. Her evangelizing took a back seat in this visit and when she did bring up God, I didn't feel attacked. I actually felt comforted. We went on a wild adventure to Kroger (wild i tell you!), got some really good brie cheese and table water crackers. Back at her house, she made us tea (i will still never be able to make it the way she does) and we traded stories late into the night. I invited her to Easter breakfast since her family's out of town and she flipped out about me being in London and promised to meet me out there and show me the country side. I missed her. I'm not afraid to admit it. Seeing her was like coming home in a different sense. I really needed that.

There's this string quartet version of A Perfect Circle I recieved a while back and resurfaced while I was at home. I spent most of Sunday night listening to it while I papered (and wished my cream soda was made of beer). I forgot how great is was. I could hear the lyrics in my head and it was such a weird experience like it had once been. Hearing the angry, hurt and sincerely honest lyrics float through my head as violins and cellos gently played. So different, the two. There's beauty in the mess.
I also realized that I want a string quartet at my wedding someday. And I really want it to play the string version of "Three Libras" as I walk down the aisle. It's amazing. And it's my favorite song, so.. I've decided. :)

That whole escaping I was talking about before.. Much to my academic demise, this often includes skipping class. Or enjoying a little spring celebration in front of the mae with Andy. It's been so gorgeous out lately and that's helping my lost mood immensely. I really hope it stays.

Frank Llyod Wrong lost its first ultimate frisbee challenge today. All of us were convinced that the success of the other team (who was full of jocks. come on! as ben mentioned "this is a hippy non-sport!") was completely unjustified. Rules were broken, calls were missed and Nick even called some kid on the other team a fucker when he hit Nick in the face. It was surprisingly super fun though. To get out there, enjoy the weather, play our hearts out (we seriously had an awesome comeback and almost took the cake. almost.) and laugh with each other. Afterwards I was feeling loose and happy so I took a run around campus and a bit of the nature center. Mmm. It was glorious.

Enough for now? I thought so. I'm out. Smile folks and go outside. Blow some bubbles, play catch, drink some beer, have a barbeque. I'm already pink in the cheeks from the sun and you should be too!

My new red locks... and a little message I added in Paint about my state of mind: Full of hopes and fears.

An unexpected change
Tonight I realized just how amazing $6 can be. Now, before this night I never thought that six dollars could really change a lot. I mean, it could get you a decent meal (if you go looking at the right place) or a teeshirt on discount somewhere. But could $6 really change your attitude, mend a friendship and change sad tears into fit of laughter? Could $6 make your heart race?
Well. Tonight it did all of that.

Alisha and I filled out apps. for housing next year in a generally crappy, depressed mood. She mentioned something about a list she was planning to make of things she wanted to do. Crazy things. Things that seemed generally irrational, but important nonetheless. My type of list. She mentioned something about wanting to dye her hair. Not even thinking I said with sincere intention, "Let's do it." So at 10:30pm, the two best friends who have lost track of each other for the past month or so set out on a mission. A mission of liberation, of bonding. Of necessity and of fear of losing one another. We talked the whole way, chattering excited. Got to the Jackson Meijer and picked our colors. Mine bright red (obviously) and her's dark brown with a violet tint. We laughed at how our parents may kill us and how shocked everyone would be since niether of us have ever touched our hair before to change it. But there was no turning back. We drove home.

The girls in the house were as excited as we were and watched in anticipation of the end result. Half an hour later, Alisha and I closed our eyes and walked back into the bathroom. We counted to three, laughed wickedly and opened our eyes. We smiled and both said, "It's not *that* different." But when we looked at each other, we could tell.. it *was* different. And we hugged tight and said good night with huge grins and michevious eyes.

Yes. It is really funny what $6 can do.

A past thought that struck a chord in me...
(I just really liked the sound of it. It caught my eye.)
"Confusion is an interesting creature. It attacks you at times when you feel the most sure of yourself and your condition. A certain look from someone, a certain smile, a dusty picture at the bottom of a forgotten drawer, remnants of a poem or letter never finished... With a simple touch or a quiet look, all that certainty you had once flies out the window and you are left. Shaking your head and wondering where the hell that came from. Not that I'm lost, persay. I feel very comfortable in who I am and the person I've grown into lately, but really something is off and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. But it's there and it's decided to point itself out in the most random and undefined ways."
- February 2004 -

You alone can make my song take flight...
It's been shaky couple of days, but yesterday I got to see Phantom of the Opera in Detroit with the Albion College Players. We had seats high in the balcony, but considering we got to go for free, none of us really complained. It was a magical show, just as I remembered it to be. I have seen the movie and enjoyed it quite a bit, but I was excited to relive it in the theater again. It brings back vivid memories. It was the first national tour show I saw when I was a child. I was 8 at the time and went with my mother and grandmother. I remember being transformed, shocked and pleased. I remember whispering to my mom, "Someday mom. I'm going to do that." It was my first live experiences with professional theater and I was changed by it. So, seeing it again at the same theater I saw it at when I was 8 was a dreamlike situation. I smiled the whole time and while the experience didn't quite hold the wonder it once did, I was still moved by the music and proud of how far I've come since that first time I told my mom what I wanted to do with my life.
The actor who played the Phantom was phenominal, I heard the pain, the life in his voice when he sang. I found myself grinning, crying even at the show and the heartfelt story that's been performed millions of times. I'm really glad I got to go, I needed a reminder like that. Keep the passion alive, keep my priorities in tact. And it definitely did that for me.
I rode with Kels and Jess and we had a really nice time talking and singing really loudy to a few of my guilty pleasure songs. We also got very silly with some rap songs and stopped for dinner at Panera. I miss Kelsey a lot and I miss riding with her. It was good to spend some time with her again and laugh.
We're going through interviews for applicants who will be living in the house next year. It takes me back to last year at this time, the things I was going through, how all od the stuff with the house made me feel, how completely nervous I was.. And now there's a whole new set of nervous people that I'm interviewing. My heart goes out to them. And I find myself very jealous. Green with envy that they're just starting. That they will have the experience I did living here. It was one of the best things I've ever been a part of in college. I'm so lucky. And I'm sad. Really sad. I'm sad it's almost gone.
We celebrated Amber's birthday on Saturday night and we rocked it out hard! Wow. We closed the house early when we realized that if customers came in and saw the managers only in jeans, bras, and coffeehouse aprons, that might be a bad thing ;). David laughed and said it would be good for business though. Ha, I bet he's right. We had a great time together with friends of the house. We played truth or dare, had an impromtu dance party, utilized the hula hoop (have you *seen* me hula hoop. it's quite a sight.), hung out with a couple of the new applicants and rocked it until the wee hours of the night. I hope Amber's birthday was a beautiful one, because she is oh so beautiful to me.
I find myself slightly overwhelmed with work, but I'm trying to reach a better attitude about it all. Springs almost here, I can smell it in the air. I'm hoping it comes soon and brings lots of daisies.
What am I to do with all this silence?
When we were driving back from Detroit, we passed the airport and I seriously thought. Hm. I have a credit card with a 1500 dollar limit. I should get on a plane. Right now.
I was thinking during class about my life and the confused, undefined state it's in right now. And the strange thing is I was talking to Andy about it and I'm gradually gaining comfort in the lack of definition. I was really relaxed about it today. And I had a really good tutorial with Margaret that made me feel super smart. That helped for sure.
On with the week, only a few days til I head home. Leave me a message with one word to decribe how you feel *right* now.

These Irish eyes...
St. Patrick's Day. My favorite of the year. And this one sure was one for the record books. Every year I attempt to top the last and I fear that this will one day lead to my demise. *wicked grin*
Started off the morning in a great mood. Got decked out in skirt, green shirt, and curly red locks. The girls laughed at me when I came waltzing down the stairs with shamrock sunglassed and a huge smile. If I can't be in Dublin myself, I'm makin the best of the day here. That was my attitude for the entire duration of the day. At 12:30 I met with Dave, Tom, and Chanel to watch some Boondock Saints, start some guinness flowing and start St. Paddy's off right. I've been hanging out a bit more with David lately. As far as we get from each other, we always come back with a smile and trouble. He's a great guy, one I can see being friends with for the rest of my life. We look out for each other and have ever since we first met at SOAR. At 2pm, Steve and I reluctantly left everyone (who gave me all sorts of crap for going to class on my holiday) and headed to the theater.
Theater class lasted for what felt like milleniums. Maybe it's because I would've rather been lounging around or celebrating. Or maybe it's because of that damn paper and my severe lack of interest in anything school related lately. Ahh well, for whatever reason that class couldn't end soon enough for me.
I scurried home and hung out with the girls for a little while before heading over to Delt Sig. I watched a little That 70's Show with Coach, then slowly but surely, everyone began to trickle in and take part in the St. Patrick's celebration. Jen and I traded stories and I finally got to see some of Ian's art. Trevor showed up with a case of Killian's and smile. Blast from the past, he and I joked about old times. I got to talk on the phone with Izzy, my sister and Paul. Pete, Trevor and I rocked it out dancing in Kyle's room for quite a while and I ran into so many people I haven't seen out all year.
It was a beautiful night. I was beaming the entire time. I was in my glory. Everyone was getting down and crazy. I got my opportunity to Irish dance on my favorite coffee table and the night was topped off by a dip in the Kzoo river.
Yes. I jumped in the Kalamazoo River. While it was snowing. On St. Patrick's Day. *mischevious smile* Pete almost came along but he went to go make sure Trevor was still standing. It was liberating and a great way to end a really really nice night. I came back home, enjoyed a nice hot shower and crashed shortly thereafter. I can look back on that and laugh for the rest of my life. That's one to tell the grandkids. I feel like I've been acting a little more crazy than usual lately. Maybe it's that predictability thing I was talking about a few posts back. I want to make sure I can still catch people by surprise. Make sure that I keep living life to the fullest and jump in head first :).
Thank you to those that shared bits and pieces of St. Patrick's Day with me. It's a night I'll cling to in my memory for weeks and months to come. Until next year when I top it again. Hope your St. Patrick's Day was as sweet as mine.
So I jumped in the Kzoo river.
What did *you* do for St. Patricks Day? *sly smile*

Two steps forward, one step back.
Sorry it's been a bit of a while, I've been off trying to put bits and pieces of my life back together. Journaling's been a little more private by way of pen and paper the past few days, but I wanted to hop on here and throw an update your way (I don't know why I'm so concerned, who reads this thing anyway?).
I'd been in the midst of slight personal crisis. I talked to Margaret about it during our weekly meeting for our tutorial. Her life is falling apart as well so at least I'm in good company. We both vented for about an hour, sighed a bit, and let it go. I unloaded the events of my spring break and the sad, but honest realizations I've been making lately. She listened sympathetically and said, "This is one of those times. We all go through them. And cliche as it may sound, this stuff will not kill you. It will all only make you stonger." My eyes fell to the floor. God, I hope so because I've been feeling a little weak in the presence of it all.
I failed my first paper of college! Can I get a hell yeah from the peanut gallery for that one? Big red x's across pages of it. *shakes head* As sad as it is for an academic perfectionist such as I, it's kind of funny too. I can't help but laugh. It's hanging on my fridge because I'm kind of proud of it. I must've not put off life for that paper. And just took a horrible grade because I was most likely up to something much more worthwhile. That kind of thing makes me smile. Since then I've been finding it very hard to focus on doing homework. And I've kind of stopped turning things in. Probably not a good thing, but the odd part is I don't really care.
I told someone early this week that daisies would make me feel better. They are such a happy flower. The next day I got daisies all the way from Chicago. *grins* Thanks JP, I love ya so much I could kick you. No really, I could. *angry yelly AIM face*
Anna left me a voicemail yesterday? What the hell is up with that? I haven't talked to my long lost childhood friend since last year sometime. Out of the blue she messaged me, calling me by my full catholic name (even my confirmation name) and told me to call her back asap fully expecting me to be home for Easter. As much as my faith's been improving a little lately, going home for easter this year isn't as much of a priority as it used to be. I really just want to see my grandparents. My grandfather's health is steadily deteriorating and I know much it means to him to have me home. Plus my mom would never let me get away with not being home for easter unless I'm in another country or fighting in a war. (ron's excuse). So next thursday I'll be heading home. We'll see how that turns out.
I opened my mailbox a couple days before St. Pat's and found a brown bag with an Irish Spring soap box taped to the top of it. A familiar handwriting said "Do not open until Thursday March 17th" and was accompanied by an amusing left handed drawing of a four leaf clover (which was also identified, afraid I wouldn't be able to figure out what the heck it was). When I opened in the early morning hours of St. P's I laughed outloud. It was a huge pint of Guinness. It was from "St. Patrick-Clause" te-toy te-toy. WHO THE HELL SENDS BEER THROUGH THE CAMPUS MAIL!?!?! Only one person I know who is that ballsy. Ballsy enough to steal road signs and flags from tall poles in the middle of the night. *shakes head and smiles*
My green Irish eyes were smiling and shining on March 17th, that's for darn sure.

She had a history of killing herself. I had a habit of dying.
(slightly emo/random post - proceed with caution)
There was a message on my voicemail when I got back from running 3 luscious miles this evening (that hurt like hell and felt good at the same time). And one part of it caught my attention and made me smile. "We hardly see each other anymore. I haven't talked to you in weeks. But I can honestly say you are my best friend... you're still the best friend I've ever had" Thanks Kurt. I needed that.
Being back in Albion is so comforting. I really missed my room. And my beautiful house. And these people. I'm really glad to be back.
Last week was hard. I give up pretending it wasn't. Being home was nice, but horrible all at once. I felt detached from people I'm normally so connected to. I went to another funeral. I had to let someone else go. I had to comfort. I got advice from a widow on how to love. And I feel like my heart has problems beating sometimes.
You know what I could really go for right now? A drive. A drive on the back roads of Albion where the fields stretch endlessly as far as you can see.. And you feel in control, on a journey, like you're driving and you're never coming back.
I woke up before my alarm really tired, but unable to sleep anymore. I got dressed up feeling the effects of the thoughts from last night. I was in a terrible mental state when I left the house this morning. After class I stopped in the KC and found a package slip in my mailbox. It was a package from Laura. In it was a beautiful note that touched me somewhere deep inside. And two cds. The Bernadette Peters cd we were talking about last time she was here and... Fiona Apple. Because she knew I needed it. :) Dearest Laura, there's no way I could thank you for doing that for me. It was perfect timing, like always. You are such a treasure to me and there is a place in my heart that will always belong to you. *dark side love*
And JP... thank you. For listening. For telling me that it's okay. And that I'll survive. If anyone knows that for a fact, it is you.
I found this song that I haven't heard in a long, long time by my all time favorite emo band: Dashboard Confessional. As silly contrived as emo music can be, Dash's lyrics have always held a special place in memory. It takes me back to a time when I heard the songs for the first time. The road trip to get to the Adirondaks. Seeing the mountains for the first time, being with people I love. And being confused... completely lost. I was lost then. And I sort of feel that way now.
Are you happy out there in this great big world?
Ha. I didn't have rehearsal yesterday so I went over to Delt Sig. I ended up playing a little beer pong and laughing a lot. It was a great feeling to realize I have three more hours of everyday back to do whatever the hell I want. Even if I should be doing homework. *shrugs* I'm almost a senior right? Why not start the slacking now?
I hate it when you cry and it just hurts so badly to do so.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are completely alone? Even if there's a handful of people only a few steps away that you could run to, talk to, weep to... you still feel like you're worlds away. It's a strange and alienated feeling. I haven't felt that way in a long, long time. But last night I had this sneaking suspiscion that I was by myself.. lost in a sea of faces.

...even angels fall...
"and finally I want to add one more bit of advice: to keep growing, silently and earnestly, through your whole development; you couldn't disturb it any more violently than by looking outside and waiting for outside answers to questions that only your innermost feeling, in your quietest hours, can perhaps answer." - Rilke (advice I feel he intended just for me)
I don't think I'll ever forget the spotlight on closing night. My gold dress sparkled and I could see the emotion in the face of each audience member keenly watching my every step, my every expression. That light lit up my soul.. A voice came from my toes, my gut, a voice I've never heard before and I felt like I was miles away hearing the voice wondering who it was, because certainly it wasn't me. I absorbed it, I tried so hard to hang on to it all because I knew it would be over all too soon, as indeed it was.
Ahh Sally Bowles... I felt her strength and every night the tears flowed and they weren't mine. Cabaret was a beautiful experience. One that will remain etched in my memory beyond words. I'm proud of it. I think we all are. We worked our asses off and it showed. We were sold out every night, people stood in the aisles and doorways just to see us. We touched people. We offended people. We made people laugh and cry. It worked I guess. I'm comfortable that it's over not ridiculously sad like I expected to be. It was the perfect way to say good bye to the seniors and for the first time I felt a certainty.. this is something that's become a part of me. The theatre. It is my passion and I owe it to myself to keep at it.
I got to spend a lot of quality late night time with theater alums during the run of Cabaret. Miss Laura Kraly spent the night at my place after the show on weds. and we ended up talking until 5am. Someday we'll get to that fantasy island Laura and it will be simply... AMAZING! *dark side love* thanks for the fun, dear and I'm so glad we got to catch up. I also got to talk a bit with Mr. John Steeno. We re-established our friendship and laugh a bit. And Jim Shilander showed his pride after the show with a huge grin and an email about how much I've grown as an actor and as a person. All in all, the turn out for the show was stellar. I got to reunite with a lot of old family friends as well as people I never expected to see at the show.. or catch as they were trying to escape after the show unnoticed. *smiles slyly*
Thanks for inviting me to formal, Ian. I look forward to another fun time in Windsor in April with some of my favorite guys on campus, the Delta Sigma Phis.
I'm learning what it is to be patient. I hope. I'm trying to pay attention so I don't make the same mistakes. I'm smiling because I feel life in the tips of my fingers. It's tingling inside me and even if it hurts, it's there. I love it.
I've been talking to Izzy more lately. I've been missing big bro and we've been able to give each other sound advice on love, life and family. It's been helpful having him around more. And I hope he feels the same, that we can see each other and be there for each other more often.
Since the show's been over, I've been able to be around the house more, be with the girls. We got all the apps for next year in before break and as sad as it is that people will be living in my house next year, we have some really great applicants. I'm actually excited to go through the interview process. And Jill, Jess, Jaime, Amber and I are slowly realizing our time at the house is short. We've been so affectionate, loving to each other, supportive and we've spent much more time together as a house. We may deny it, but we've become an inseperable 5-some (actually I doubt we'd deny it unless we were being our usual sarcastic selves). And being on break makes me miss them.. achingly. Hope you girls are having fun at home but selfish me wants to be back with you asap.
I keep wondering what London will be like. I wonder if I'll feel shockingly at home there. I wonder what my daily routine will be. I wonder who I'll stay close with, even oceans apart. I keep aching to get there but dreading it all at once. I keep wondering what life here will be like when I step off the plane back on US soil when it's all over... Back home. Will everything be different then? Will I have finally grown up? I hope not. Will my heart finally be in the right place? I hope so. I have faith, though I myself am no angel...

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
I'm in a room surrounded by darkness and dim candlelight. The faint smell of apple spice is lingering in the night air. Beside me rests a mug of my favorite English tea; the kind that reminds me of my childhood, Anna my best friend and the image of drinking the same tea after a long, busy day in London in a few short months. I'm at home for break. Didn't end up in Myrtle Beach due to a massive health hiatus. I was pretty much throwing up everything I ate for three days (festive image isn't it) and feeling utterly horrible. So I chose to let go of my dream vacation with Kels, Meghan, and Brittney for a week of complete recovery. And a week of homework (it seems every class I'm in figured break was a great time to barrage us with wild amounts of papers and books to read). While I'm a little depressed that I'm not currently enjoying a pina colada next to kels on a beach getting a tan, it's probably a good thing that I'm at home. I missed it here, like I always do. And due to my summer ahead of embracing my British heritage I wanted to spend some time at home with my family.
Thus far it's been a nice break. I haven't touched my homework yet though I finished off some pleasure reading "Letters to a Young Poet" by my pipe-smoking genius Rilke (<-- to which I've discovered I'll never succeed in pronouncing right). I'm planning to send a copy to my brother Ron while he's under-going some painful training in Yuma, Arizona for the next two months. He's having a lot of issues with his heart lately. Ones that are very similar to mine. I couldn't believe that he called me and requested a phone date for the two of us today. He called and we talked for nearly two hours. He shared his deepest thoughts and feelings about the things that have been happening to him lately. I haven't felt this close to my brother since he joined the Marines. We laughed and gave one another sincere, honest advice. His problems and mine seem to parallel each other so much it almost makes me smile.. so he's where I get it from. The confusion, the uncertainty, the issues with independence, settling, learning patience.. He ended the conversation thanking me profusely. He said I had all the right things to say, that I gave him the best advice he's recieved in a long time. He told me he loves me a misses me. I nearly started to cry right there. He also told me he's going back to Iraq in August for sure. And since his training is becoming more precise, he will be put in many more precarious situations. He's the only one with that training so they have no choice. And neither does he. This is a fear I had hoped I would be without for the rest of my life... he's going back.
My sister's doing well, in a happy state with her Paul. This is good news but definitely a change. I'm actually jealous of the time she spends with him. Usually when I come home, she is willing to spend every waking moment she isn't at work catching up with me. I mean, don't get me wrong I'm entirely happy for her, but it just seems.. I feel like being in a relationship has opened her eyes to my flaws. I just don't feel like a great person when I'm at home anymore. Except to my mom, I feel like I'm constantly making her proud. And my dad's still dad lecturing me about how taking Chem for fun would screw up my GPA (since I would obviously fail.. to the nth degree).
I'm looking forward to my spa day with mommy this coming week. It'll be a girls day, massages, chinese at P.F. Changs. Then another girls day before I head back to school on Friday night. I'm helping Kath move into her new house she's living at for the next 6 months in Grosse Ile. Girly movies and Felicity all day, lots of chocolate and catching up. That, working out when I can, doing as much work as possible, memorizing lines for children's theater.. this week will undoubtedly fly by and I'll be back in Albion... making more predictable decisions. Or perhaps I'll surprise you all. Perhaps I'll surprise myself.

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing whats going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.
- Gilda Radner-