It’s been quite a while, dearest. A year if you look at it chronologically. This is my first admittance since the New Year echoed through the snow covered park on that little bridge by the lake… Greetings comrades and welcome 2005. Hope it’s as good a year as the last and if I may be so bold to ask for even better.. as I know for a fact it will be.
I began this past year in apprehension and ended it somehow mixed between bliss and regret. But regrets are not for us, comrades. For we are the people of no regrets, the ones that insist life is to be lived passionately. Thankfully I am not alone in this hopeful, sometimes reckless way of life.
Okay, my preamble’s over, sorry about that. Just thought after not posting for a really long time I should say something bold, worthwhile. Even though all of that may’ve just been garbage, it felt like importance when I heard my head speaking it. I survived finals relatively unscathed, although it was noticeably apparent that we all needed a break. If not from school, work and stress, from each other. I mean, some people I was beginning to be so short tempered with and I could tell I too was annoying more than one person. We were picking up swords against each other, it was time to part for a few weeks.
I arrived home with a pleasant sense of accomplishment. One more semester taken care of and I felt I did well, I was proud of my work. And it really was good to move back into my room for longer than a day or two. I almost forgot what it was like spending that much time with my family. I haven’t been home for longer than a week in…well, a year and a half. It was nice, I actually felt a part of the family again as opposed to just a visitor. My sister and I felt slightly more distant than usual which had me a little worried, but the more time I was home the better it got. I reveled in the little pleasures of sleeping in, reading a book, playing with my dog and subjecting myself to crappy made-for-tv movie marathons.. it was really nice. Finally I was catching my breath.
Christmas was beautiful and really nice. My brother for home the day before Christmas Eve and I willingly picked him up from the airport. The feeling of seeing him doesn’t get any less intense each time I do. That’s what happens when you love someone in the military I guess. You’re always worried each time you see them and have to say goodbye that it may be the last time. I hate that feeling of not knowing. But seeing him, put all my fears to rest :). Even if only for a week. And he didn’t recognize me at the airport because of my new hair cut. He along with many others hated it, missed the comfortable ‘old me.’ “Too bad,” I said to him haughtily, “You’ll just have to learn to love me again huh?” The six of us slept in the same house again. It gave me a similar feeling as it did last year, that of comfort, security in an uncertain, cold world. And having my siblings around showing affection in their own little ways, it was perfect. The rest of my extended family came in from Cali for Christmas Eve as did Ron’s girlfriend Natalie. She and I kept in touch while Ron was in Iraq, the connection made us feel closer to him. We have since fallen out of that connection, but I was still really anxious to meet this girl my brother loved. She is beautiful, kind, spirited. She fits in really well with the family and my mom nearly cried she loved her so much. I wouldn’t be surprised if I knew her as a sister in a little over a year’s time. Good for my brother, he needed a girl like her. And the overprotective sister in me actually approves. Fancy that!
Christmas was much more adult than it ever has been for me. No hysterical laughter over nonalcoholic wine and cramming into the car to take the cousins back home after an evening of silliness. We still coined the term Santa, but only laughed quietly over our cocktails at dinner. I felt old. It was strange. My mother cried when she opened the gift for our parents from ‘the kids.’ Her tears were explosive and beautiful.. she said quietly as she hugged and kissed each one of us was that the real gift was having each of us at home, alive and well. I locked eyes with my brother across the room and saw his military eyes turn slightly glassy. She couldn’t have put it better. The presents were wonderful, full of love, but the people and the time spent together was the best part.. Perhaps I am grown up after all.
I spent a rallying amount of time with Kathie and Paul over break. We sat around, talked, worked out, watched football, went to the Piano Bar (“Check out this guy with two chicks! His girlfriend and his mistress!”). It was nice being around those two. Makes me miss backpacking with them. I really hope I can go with them again this summer despite my brief jaunt to London. Speaking of London, nearly done with all applications, essays, and resumes dealing with it. Now it’s just a matter of running about collecting the last few signatures and letters of recommendation. I’m just relieved it’s almost there, I can taste it. But I’m scared shitless. Everytime I even think about London in the broadest sense, being there for 8 weeks, I have to change the subject in my head lest I wet myself.
Speaking of wetting myself, I audition for Cabaret tomorrow. Talk about scary. Haven’t been in a musical since high school, but I have an odd good feeling about it. I may actually have a chance. *shrugs* But good feelings are usually bad signs, so I’ve resigned myself to just go in there, dance my pants off, sing my heart out and have a good time. Screw it, whatever happens happens. Same thing with ACTF. I’m not out to win, but I’m excited it’s finally me out there on display. I finally got a Ryan nomination. Never thought it’d be me.
This break I got closer. Some people I thought I had lost forever reappeared in unusual ways. I drank coffee with a person who was once one of the closest things to me and as he smiled at me across the table, I realized he was a person of value to me. And now, after a simple coffee and short discussion about hopes and fears, we are friends. And perhaps someday on a rainy street in New York, we can stand beneath an awning and laugh about how we actually lived out the dreams we thought were just… dreams.
Ben was my buddy for most of break. He and I cavorted, plotted, had an all around good time together. We remembered high school, track season and he told me about his new security in the job he’s sure to master. We went to Jill’s and visited with little Hannah and Jill graced the group with a plethora of embarrassing stories about me from high school. I turned a shade of crimson I seldom reach and Ben laughed so hard he almost choked. It was surprisingly fun, even if the entertainment was at my expense.
I sat beside Kurt on my couch staring out my front window in the dark the night before he left to go back to school. I hadn’t seen or talked to him really since the summer. We talked awkwardly at first, then apologies poured out like tears and soon we were laughing and grinning like we used to. Here’s hoping this time our friendship won’t fall to pieces… for the tenth time. It’s actually kinda funny to think about. I’m glad Lyric’s there taking care of him.
I had a rather amazing New Years despite a lack of plans. It wasn’t gaudy or spectacular. It was quiet and unassuming. The way love should be.
The week following New Years passed in a heartbeat and here I am. Back at school, back to real life as it were. I’m actually glad to be back. I missed this old house, the voices inside it, the caffeine. I learned a lot this break about relationships, communicating, friendship and what it means to listen. I learned a lot last year. And here’s to another full of laughter, tears, passion… *lifts glass and smiles softly in hope of the year awaiting all of us*
