I'll ask you simply this... to remember...
An idea I borrowed from Jordan...

Please post a memory that you have of me, if you can spare a moment. It can be anything you want, really.

Then post this on your journal and see what people remember about you.

thanks! :)

Got a nice long e-mail from my brother... he's safe, happy and made me smile and laugh. :) What a great reward for finishing yet another paper.

With that good thought and pleasant surprise, I'm going to sleep. :)

There's no denying where your heart is. There's no hiding where you belong. - BJR

It snowed this morning... what the hell??? and some other random occurences...

Kill Bill vol. 2 was a great movie. I made a deal with myself that I'd go from 7-10 and then come home and work. I'm currently in that "work" time and haven't started anything yet. Funny, I saw that one coming. The movie was really good though, better than the first because it brought everything together. I won't go into details. Just take a study break and go. Seeing it reminded me of Philadelphia again.. such good memories. I went to see vol. 2 tonight with Adele and Brendan. Now, I thought it was going to be a coffeehouse excursion but it turned out to be just us three. The weird thing is, I never felt like a third wheel or anything. They are both such great people. I felt very comfortable and it was a hell of a lot better than going to see it alone.. or even a date I think. I went in my pajamas, ate my dots and the three of us had a great time. :)

One 10 pager done... at 4:00 am last night! woohoo! A and I are somehow hangin in there. Hurrah for the craziness that is finals...

I think today was quite possibly the laziest and nicest Tuesday I've had all semester. I woke up 10 minutes before my class at 1 pm. Then I laid around all afternoon. Literally. Laid around and watched tv. And laughed at J with Tom. It was kinda fun. :-p Class came at four and I leisurely strolled down to the theater... A nice day. Even if is was cold as hell.

I got an e-mail from Natalie, Ronnie's girlfriend, a couple days ago.. It made my night. This is what she wrote:
"...Although you are very busy right now, you've somehow found time to keep in touch with me. And I've noticed that the way you write is just like the way your brother writes! Which makes me very excited to meet you."
...I still write like him. We're still so connected somehow, even though it's been six years since we lived in the same house. What a great thing to think about. Especially with how much I've missed him lately and the fact that even Kath gets scared sometimes.

ITS ALMOST 4 AM AND I'VE GONE BATTY!!!

Oh, its on.. work that is. Late nights with the room mate trying to get all our crap done. A second ago I was blowing bubbles at her across our little walkway... Then on my way to the shower to wake my ass up, this conversation occured:

K: Don't run off now while I'm gone...
A: Oh I'll just take a puff out the window.
*fit of laughter*
K: A puff of what???
A: The jointed kind. HAHAHA!!!!

Yeah, we've definitely fallen off the deep end... Room 305 is rockin it out til the wee hours tonight! :)

Pull me into your perfect circle...

It all started with a cow...
in the middle of our quad. Only in Albion. Friday I turned in 50 pages worth (it literally was that long) of theater history on dramatic form from 600 BCE - 1900 CE. Wow. Somehow Alexis and I did it. I turned it and somehow sat through class. After class, I took to the quad. I sat on my Albion blanket and watched a cow wander around while everyone took pictures of it and waited for it to poop. Giggling, I called my sister and told her all about it. I knew she'd like to hear about it. Before long, the cow did its thing and fatt matt won 50 bucks. The cow wandered off and I proceeded to lie down and just daydream. J brought some library reading out and sat down beside me and soon Alisha and Izzy joined us. The four of us just sat and enjoyed the sun. I called J's bluff and ended up on a random trip to Jackson after stealing Dave Walker's car. haha.. I love last minute plans like that. And steaks. Mm. :)

Friday night flew by in a blur. I had planned on studying. But planning to study on a Friday night will always prove fruitless. Always. I went to the dance show with Audrey and Andy and giggled at the fact that I knew how to tango. As I was walking back, an SUV full of delt sigs pulled up beside me and yelled, "Have you seen a naked guy run past here?" Haha, oh Carp. Seems some people were having a good streaking time across the quad friday. I wanted to let A and Iz be for a bit so I went over to TKE for the tail end of their jungle party. Another waterfall, kiddy pools and drunken frat guys playing paint cans outside. I played there for a little while and the rest of the night... well it was interesting. Got to talk with a dear friend and teach someone the basics of tango. I got to chill out and listen to Norah as well as finally write in my journal. It was actually a really nice night.

Saturday morning I got moving at about one (that was the earliest I could pull myself out of bed). I had a message on my phone from Bobby.. something silly about, "is smoochie still in bed?" I was like, did you just call me smoochie? haha. I showered and packed up for the night ahead... It was finally here. A valentine's present from months ago... April 24th, A Perfect Circle at the Palace. Finally here. I was really excited to simply get out of Albion, let alone seeing one of my favorite bands live. I talked to Max online and he and I gushed about APC for about 10 minutes, that got me giddy. Bob called up at 6:30 and I bolted down the stairs. Nathan and Meghan were in the back seat. It was amazing to see all of them again. Bobby gave me a smile and squeeze on the knee and we were off. We cranked music loud and tried to keep our energy flying for the hour and a half drive. We got to the Palace after some backroad adventures and little stops *wink* a long the way. We sat in the parking lot for a few minutes and the rest of the MSU folks showed up. I got to finally meet Papa, Max and all the other names I've heard a millon times but never met. Max gave me a huge hug proclaiming that we had been talking online so much he was so glad ot finally meet me. We chilled out for a bit longer then went in. We split from the other guys who took to the floor and we settled in to our seats. We were in the lower bowl, dead on view to the stage... great seats. I grinned with joy. Bob smiled back. "Happy Valentine's Day!" I said half-laughing. He returned the sentiment. The concert began...

I was overcome. The first song they played was "Vanishing." The perfect way to start. I felt this surge of energy engulf the entire arena. I felt so alive. I knew every word to nearly every song they played and the whole time I could hardly string my thoughts logically together. The time flew by. My emotions were flying and the smile never left my face. Maynard is my hero. He got us all to swear together.. everytime he said 1, 2, 3 we all screamed "SHIT FUCK!" And they even did a rendition of a Backstreet Boy song. And as sad and ironic as it was, the entire crowd sang along. It was ridiculously funny. Bobby was about as giddy as I was at times and I could tell he was happy I was there. I mean, these guys were obviously something huge to me. Even Nathan (who was pretty chill through most of it) joked, "So.. listen to A Perfect Circle much?" I mean, I could hardly handle it. Bob and I shared some moments and memories associated with some of the songs we like the most. He got so excited when they played his favorite, "Magdelena." It's still so fun to watch him get excited. He's just like a little kid, screaming and grinning excitedly. And when they played 3 libras.. that was it for me. I just stared in amazement, I couldn't even mouth the words. Bobby hugged me tightly and I said.. "This is my favorite." He said with a smile, "I know." They played every song I wanted them too. All of my favorites, the ones I listen to most when I sad, angry, pissed or really excited. That's what concerts are all about. I wish I could go to more of them, but I don't think my heart could take it. hehe. :D

So yeah, it was amazing. We got out of he concert and flew down the backroads again, full of energy headed west... for home.

The drive flew by and before I blinked we were back in Lansing. I threw all my stuff in Bob's house and we all took to the streets of Lansing for a Saturday Night MSU style. Drunk, loud people were everywhere. It was fun being in a city so alive with activity. It was no Albion, that's for sure. I mean, if you were to carry a beer bottle down the street here, you'd get taken down and ticketted by campus safety before you could say "Albion sucks." At MSU, no one gives a shit really unless you're breaking stuff, lighting something on fire (haha) or getting into a fight. And even then.. no one really cares. ha. It's sweet as hell. We ended up in the basement of the house across the street just playin pool for a couple hours. I got to get a little closer to Nathan and Meghan and actually started to do alright at pool. It was very relaxing and exactly what I needed after the week... hell, the month I've had. At 2 or 3 we all wandered back to Bobby's and just crashed. It was an awesome night. Every little piece of it. Especially the great sleep I got and the fabulous dreams I had. The first thunderstorm of the year happened that night too, even though I only woke up to it once, it was still pretty damn sweet. It was just so nice to be with Bobby again and all of my other MSU buddies. I felt like I actually belonged there. After such a great concert, that just topped off a perfect night. And an awfully happy valentine's day, haha. :-p

Woke up around 11:30 the next day and Nathan and Meghan even tagged along with Bob to get me home. I said my good byes and truged up the stairs... Back to life, back to reality. Fully intending to study my ass off all afternoon, I went over to tell David and Jason about the concert (they were both way jealous :-p) and inadvertantly fell asleep... for two hours. How the hell that happened I'm not sure. But it sure was a nice nap! :) The rest of the night was full of media econ and daydreams of the fun I had over the weekend.

Today, I went to work at the coffeehouse really unmotivated and keep getting terrified everytime I look at my "to do" list for the week. Holy crap. This next week is going to kick my ass... as long as I make it to next monday.. I'll be ok. :-p Talked to my mom for the first time in weeks today and she was happy to hear I'm still alive. It's hard to believe tha I'm only a week away from the end of the semester.. geez, time flies. Can't wait til this summer though. :) Even if I am going to be stuck out here. Hang in there everyone and if I start getting angry or frustrated, just tell me to chill out... Life is way too short. Thanks again for such a fantastic weekend, y'all.

"And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity,
While I formulate denials
Of your effect on me." - A Perfect Circle

As per usual for finals time, I've posed the following question online. Feel free to comment your answer or leave me it via FireflyKG and I'll add you to this list!

Question of the Day:
If you could be anywhere with anyone doing anything right now.. where would you be and who would you be with?

I'd be at the top of a snow covered mountain in Utah by myself with skis and equipment and all that jazz... ooh, and a joint.

i would be holding josh anywhere, we broke up monday and that's what i wish i could be doing, just wish i could have one more chance.

i would be camping in the Rockies with my best friend Mike Long...hiking in the mountains and watching elk graze while eating apples and peanut butter and jelly sandwichs on a big rock warming in the sun. ahhhhh that would be nice.

I'd be in the bay of Cannes-midnight-floating on an inflatable raft with the only person who would enjoy that moment as much as me; leaning back, city alive and glowing on our left, mountainside towering, twinkling on our right... the distant lights of a ship glowing warmly at our feet, two stars upon the sea. All the lights from land and sky meeting in the water below, until it's impossible to tell where down is(n't). The water so black. Only our elbows touch, it's cooling down and her skin is warm; I take a drag off her cigarette. We are silent as the moon rises and splits in two, above and below. The water so black, and her skin is warm.

right now, i would love to be outside tanning with friends... it dosen't even matter who... just listening to classical music really loud and tanning

saying fuck school and just driving... into the sunset. with a cigarette, Tool playing on my broken stereo and my windows open.

hmm... I would be at home in good old Davisburg Michigan, lying on my family room couch with my fleecy blanket, watching hockey with my dad... :-) go wings!

i have given this question some thought and then some more thought and it is definately a tough one. I think, I would probably be in my car.. driving on a road out in the country. it is definately warm out, because that is why i have the sunroof open. im not sure if it is durring the day, or at night, possibly dusk. i like the day, but the view of stars through the sunroof is quite awe inspiring. am i with anyone? i havent quite decided. i'd like to say i have someone special to me riding beside me, but at the same time i also might be alone to be with my thoughts. so there. i answered your question.

Id be watching a sunset of unimaginable beauty next to a comparable girl. You! ha! :-p

On that bridge in the nature center in the middle of the night with my best buds, watching a weather front come in and laughing so hard we cry.

Watching that damn cow poop on our quad..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

I'd be with my family... doing absolutely nothing and loving every second of it.

I'd be on a desert island with Alisha... and what we'd be doing is just for me and her.

I'd like to be anywhere with you, really.

With my brother. Teaching him how to surf in Cali. I miss him.

I'd want to be snuggling with that "just right" person.

who would I want to be with tonight.... hmmmm.... doing some recalling of times with my boyz - Wilber, "Dan," and Belle... the summer before Sitarz and I quit talking. Laughter as they tried with all their might to get me to watch their porn, drink more than them (as if that was ever possible), tipping over of chairs, staying up way late into the weekend nights, playing Euchre, tipping back many bottles of long neck Buds... and that was what we were --- Buds and each of us falling into our separate beds, happy with the evenings events, as if no worries could touch us if we were together.

i would like to know the answer to your own question.

Surfing.

that question of the day is tough. though i do owe you some serious time karen. let me know if you're around for talking this weekend. much love.

On a plane.. flying somewhere I've never been. Taking on the sky.

I would want to be backpacking.. in the Swiss Alps... for a week or two and ending up in a beautiful chalet in Geneva for my last few nights there... i'd want to be with alisha, iz, and kyle. and that's just being honest. that's exactly where i'd want to be right now.

I'd be in my MG, cruising some two lane, tree lined road, listening to switchfoot at dusk.

I'd be with someone i love in a place without the bullshit.

***
So those are the answers I received this time around. Not quite as silly and funny as last time. Maybe it's because I've asked it before finals are driving everyone insane. This is kinda "the calm before the storm" time for everyone. I did get a few thank yous though. People thanked me for letting them daydream for a moment and smile. I gave people a quick escape and I think that's why I got such heartfelt answers. Keep them coming! I'll keep adding to the list! :)

something that struck me today...

"things were so much easier when stars... were still just the holes to heaven."

thanks.

For all those faithful readers out there who somehow give a shit...
A quick update! :)
Well, I'm waiting on Alexis over here because we're about to hit up some all-night theater history action! (yeah, as fantastic as it may seem, it's really hell... wee!) I figured I'd throw out some of those recent happenings before I completely get immersed in all the crap going on and forget... For my own benefit mostly, because I like looking back on this little blog here and remembering.. smiling. It really helps when times get tough. I really suggest you all try it. Written or typed, a journal's a pretty valuable commodity...

ANYWAY!

Life is grand, indeed. Despite the end of semester blues... the fact that all this work is preventing me from spending time with my seniors, the fact I only have two weeks left with my fabulous room mate (btw we're already making plans to be apartment mates senior year), the fact i'm not ready at all for all the finals/papers on my ever growing list of "things to do," the fact i can barely see straight from exhaustion and staring at the computer too long... Aside from all that.. Life sure is grand.

Alisha and I fell into a case of the giggles this afternoon about Gollum from Lord of the Rings and his sexual exploits... *rolls eyes and giggles* That girl... The only one who's laughed at each and every one of my silly jokes. If I ever become famous, I owe it all to her. :)

I got out of class early today and spend some time with Ian and Kyle. They were both napping when I came in. Ian's drawing pad and pencils were out... I took it into my hands, found an empty page and for the first time in months I let my pencil touch the paper and just go... I smiled. It felt so good. Made me really miss Mar. I drew Ian sleeping on the couch then grabbed a picture of Kyle and I and drew that. It's almost like I was scrambling for anything and everything.. but still being so picky. It had to be perfect. I can't wait for the summer so I can do that and write so much again.. :) Kyle threw things at me when he woke up and we got to giggle a bit together. That was so nice. So nice. Before I left he flicked me off and I did it right back declaring, "Now that is was I call affection!" :)

Haven't heard from my brother in a while. But he's in love. And I've been e-mailing his girlfriend a lot lately. I feel like she brings me closer to him. And each e-mail I receive from her makes me tear up. It's like I don't want to let Ron go, no girl will ever be good enough for him... but... she is. She really is. *sigh* I miss him more than ever and I'm starting to understand that I'm not one of the only women in his life. He's got one more now. And I have this feeling she's not going anywhere. And that idea... makes me smile.

Alisha gave me a picture today from New Years... It brought that night back to life and made me smile. It's right by my clock now where I can see it everytime I check the time... It's reminding me to slow down a bit sometimes.

Dazed and Confused is a great movie. And I love bananas. That's all. :) Oh, come on, would it be me if I wasn't cryptic at least a little? Come now. :-p

Team You Win had its first loss tonight in IM Soccer. It was kinda sad. None of us were really in the game even though we played really hard. We were missing a few people. But I still can't get over our team. It makes me smile to think about it. I mean, it's been so great. Even losing tonight. I felt like I was a part of something. Something greater than myself. A team. Plus it gives me an excuse to hang out with Jor a bit more. Seems like we've both been struggling to find those lately. Miss ya Jor.

Been feeling the love and support from a lot of people lately. Thanks if you've been one of those people. I've really appreciated it and needed it in this last stint here. I couldn't do it without my friends.. and holy geez have I met some fabulous ones here at Albion.

Hang in there everyone! Kick some serious ass these next couple weeks. If you're looking for a study break, I have a million ideas and I'm always up for one! For now.. to ferg lab for my all-nighter. Alexis and I are finishing this if it takes us down! :D If you hear a huge scream at 4 or 5... That's us.. And we're 50-pager done!

oh yeah, the comments have returned! so find your favorite post and leave me one! :)

Quotes of the day (to somehow get us all through)...
"The most wasted of days is one without laughter."

"No guts, no glory."

"That don't make no sense."
"Pete, its a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."
~O Brother, Where Art Thou? (great movie)

Well, it's been about a week since I've last posted and quite a lot has happened. I keep meaning to write it all down but for some reason I'm not even motivated to blog anymore... That's when I know it's nearing the end of the semester and procrastination and lack of motivation has set in full force. *sigh* Too much to do, not enough time. and what am I doing? Sitting around. Avoiding work like the plague. *shakes head* Yeah this is going to kick me in the ass tomorrow night.

Lets see... Where to begin. Tuesday was a pretty fantastic day, especially considering the crappy one I had on Monday. I woke up late and went to class. During the afternoon I had planned on doing something productive, but I was distracted by my computer as happens so often. The phone rang at three and I thought, you know, that could very well be another credit card company. maybe I shouldn't pick up the phone. But something told me to pick up the phone anyway. I said hello pleasantly and was greeted by one of those "do you know who this is?" voices. The voice sounded comforting and familiar but I couldn't place it. I asked and a giggle from the other end said, "Alexander!" Now, Alex you need to understand some things about. I knew the kid for about a year in high school. He was younger than me but we were always very close. It's been two years since we've talked and he got ahold of my phone number up at school and called me. On April 13th. The day we met, good Friday three years ago. No, this isn't stalker material it was an easy date to remember. I sure as hell remember it. I mean, a Jew and Catholic meet on Good Friday the 13th and totally hit it off. What's the odds of that? Yeah. So I was needless to say shocked. We chatted away and caught up as much as we could before I had to get to my class. He boosted my ego and literally made my day. Talk about a blast from the past. One that I sure as hell needed :). I forgot how intellegent and amusing he was.

Later that night I was in the midst of KC manager training with Jaime when I wandered into the stack where they were setting up for the Euphonics Concert. I was right. John owed me 5 dollars. He was there. I revelled in a huge hug from him. I had needed to see him. I was at my wits end about everything and seeing him was a refreshing rememberance. We chatted and I could tell both him and Jim were really enjoying the attention of being alumni. Everyone wanted to talk to them, see what they were doing. I hope it's like that when I graduate, that I can come back and be remembered like that. It was pretty cool to watch. I reserved a section of seats and enjoyed a fun game of Egyptian Rat Screw with Jordan and the gang. Before I knew it the show began. It was fabulous like Euphonics shows always are. The new people in the group were fantastic and all the songs were on key and sounded fabulous. John and I shared a quick moment during My Immortal and holy geez Rachel Fortino! Wow.. that girl sure has a voice. After the concert we all went out to Denny's. Memories of late nights in the Marshall Denny's came flooding back and and I couldn't help but smile as I ate my Denny's breakfast with people who I found myself missing so much lately... Tuesday was a really great day.

Looks like I'm going to be auditioning for Euphonics again... I've been having dreams about it and Chelsey promised me that was a sign. So I signed up. I think I'm going crazy.

Wednesday came and went in a whirlwind. I got to go riding in the afternoon with Kels and I rode Phantom hard. It was so amazing. And before i knew it I was watching Cloud 9 with Kyle and Steph. What a great show! I mean, I went into it not knowing anything really. I didn't read the script, I didn't audition, I just went and watched. And wow. I was shocked and provoked and amazed. I was way jealous I wasn't a part of it. Even if my mom would've disowned me. As I sat in the audience I couldn't help but feel a tinge of "man I wish I could've been in that." After the show was the post-show romp at TKE. The night ended up to be quite a blur for lots of folks. And the next day there were lots of giggles and "I did what?!!!"s. I got to get a little closer to some very lovely individuals, which was awfully fun. But the highlight of the evening came when I ended up crying... for three hours straight. About everything. And Steph was there through it all. What I'd do without her, I'm not quite sure. And what I would do without those fantastic theater folks, I also have no idea. :)

I had planned on going to Chicago on Saturday with Union Board. I was excited. An adventure all by myself and I would get to hang out with John, see where he lives and works and take in the great city I haven't seen in four years... The trip was cancelled. I almost kicked someone. I really was looking forward to it.

Thursday and Friday passed lazily, especially since so many of my classes were cancelled. I happily anticipated the weekend ahead. Thursday night made me adore my room mate even more than ever. What a best friend and sister I have in her. And we blow some pretty stellar bubbles! Alisha and Izzy headed home for A's cousin's wedding so I had the room all to myself for the rest of the weekend. I got little done on Friday because I went on the quad to study.. and ended up playing whiffle ball. Much like when I stopped by delt sig and threw the football into a bush.. ha. Who used to play powderpuff? *points* yeah me! After hair for the play, I just chilled most of the night. I took in night one of Buffett Bash at Delt Sig for a bit then watched a movie with J. It was a very nice, very chill night.

Saturday I got up just in time to wander over to delt sig and enjoy the grilling talents of Fatt Matt. I had a hot dog and a hamburger and enjoyed sitting in the sun with Kyle and Ian for a little while. I even cut Jason's hair! He now has a blad spot. Haha. Well I've never used clippers before! What are ya gonna do? He was the guy who said I could do whatever I wanted with his hair! :-p Hooray! I hung out for just a little while then locked myself in my room for the rest of the day. I called up Alex and asked him for some help on my paper for Western Religions. He gladly helped out and the paper almost wrote itself. I got a headstart on my timelines (sorta) and I felt accomplished. I was ready for the night ahead for sure.

Buffett Bash 2004 was certainly a force to be reckoned with. Wow! Everyone was out and there. The place was packed, sand was everywhere, and everyone was playing in the waterfall all night. The people who never go out all year were sure as hell out tonight. Bikinis and board shorts, hawaiian shirts and straw hats. It was the party of the year. Congrats delt sig! :) My boys!!! I saw anyone and everyone out there and it was just such a great time. People were wasted and people were laughing at them. People were dodging campus safety left and right and dancing and Buffett was in abundance. I stuck it out there til about 2am and got to know some new people and bond again with old friends. It was a fabulous night. I wandered out, jumped in the waterfall and pulled an all nighter. Yeah. Saw the sun come out and heard those damn birds outside my window. Yup.

Woke up relatively early this morning to get to the Equestrian Team picnic at Victory Park. The sun was shining, it was warm, I was in a great mood. At the banquet all the girls were giggling about Buffett Bash the night before and it was just nice spending time with all of them again. Kels and I split at 1pm and I met Alex who came up for a visit. The day lazily passed and it was so relaxing. We went for a walk in the nature center, caught up on old times, ventured into Marshall and went to all the antique stores (the only things open on sundays). We stopped at a cute little ice cream parlor that was open. I got a strawberry milkshake and he got chocolate ice cream and we sat... in this cute Marshall ice cream parlor and played checkers. So fun. :) We came back and chatted a bit more, then he was off on his merry way. A pleasant reminder that I haven't been forgotten and that I still have a great friend in someone I haven't seen in years.

And now... onto the two weeks of hell. Papers, test and exams nearly everyday. I think I may have a coniption. So leave me love and encouragement this week, if you have a spare moment yourself. I could sure use it. Thanks for the lovely laziness that was the past week or two and here goes nothing... Into the fire I go. *closes eyes and dives in*

"That united postal service is a very useful tool of love."

"I think.. I think it's a bananna. EWW!"

Sweets for the sweet...
~ Hamlet... or better known to me as The Ophelia Project.
I got to hold a baby for the first time in years on Easter. As ironic as this sounds, what a great reminder of new life. My cousin and his wife came over to our house for Easter breakfast with little Caitlin. She's only two months old and on Easter she met her great grandparents for the first time. My grandparents were elated. Since I was the first done eating, my mom handed her to me. She fussed a little at first but then she just relaxed into my arms. I sat in the rocking chair with her. This little, beautiful human being. She gazed up at me with her crystal blue eyes. My dull emeralds stared back, amazed. She look so curious, so excited to be seeing whatever it was she saw. I thought about my life; how I once was that small. How we all were really. How much I've experienced since then. How innocent I still am and how experience has robbed me of some of it. I wondered what her life would bring her, who would hold and kiss those tiny hands when she fell in love for the first time.. She drifted softly to sleep while I rocked and stroked her tiny arm. Her fingers curled around my thumb and we took turns sighing for the next hour. How can life not be seen as so blessed and beautiful with moments like that, I wonder.

On Saturday I had a brief visit with Bobby, barely 15 minutes long, but nice none the less. After that I got in the car and took a deep breath. I drove out toward Ferndale. I parked on the street in front of the familiar house and tentatively walked up the steps. I knocked timidly and after a couple minutes the door handle turned. I was shocked at what I saw.

A tiny, fragile shell of a man stood there. His frail appearance was only emphasized by his 6'5" stature. It took him a few moments to connect vision to memory. A small smile across the face once so full and bearded in white. He opened his arms to me and I slowly stepped into them. I remembered being a child, just turned 8... running up to Fr. Jack to tell him about my newest presents. I could hardly get my arms around one side of his husky chest. Now as I hugged Fr. Jack my hands touched and I was almost afraid of breaking him. I sat across the room from him and got the urge more than once to crouch at his feet like I used to. I remembered our long talks on his back porch as I held his hand and told him how hard it was that my brother joined the Marines. And the last time I saw him came flooding back... When I cried and cried. When he had just been diagnosed, when he was still himself, when he hadn't let go of hope yet. And now we almost felt like strangers. Conversation was hard. He had little news aside from long days and the recent decision to stop kemo. He used the word "wicked" to describe it. I can't even imagine. It made everything I went through over spring break even more real and even more frightening. I talked like I was afraid of the silence. And I actually had plenty to say. It's odd to look back on this year. All the things I've done, experienced, seen... It's certainly been quite the year. As I spoke he looked up at the ceiling with a tender smile, envisioning it all, I could tell. He asked me the usual questions, school, boyfriends (to which the answer was long and complicated), and most importantly faith. "I still have it," I said quietly, "even if it hides sometimes." I stayed for an hour and gave him a hyacinth plant still green, unopened. His favorite, he said. He loves watching things bloom. Like me, he said. He told me I was beautiful and when he hugged me, I felt like he was finally letting me go.. I was no longer his surrogate daughter. I was a woman in his eyes now, ready for whatever life threw at me. His job was done... I got into the car and shut the door. I turned the key, opened the sunroof and slowly pulled away. I couldn't stop the tears dripping onto my jeans by time I reached the first stop sign.

I got back to school around dinner time on Sunday. My mom and dad hugged me tightly proclaiming the break was too short. It was. I mean, no need to sound like Dorothy, but home is home. No matter where you are. And even if your parents tell you you'll grow out of your liberal tendencies someday and realize you are conservative. And somehow you'll quit being so idealistic? I don't see it happening, but I thought it was kinda sweet of them to say. Cute :p. I love my parents. And my siblings. My family really is my rock and strength. Without them I would be nowhere.

I got quite possibly the best easter gift I've ever received. My brother. On the phone from Iraq. It was only 5 minutes. But those 5 minutes were mine. All ours. And they were so sweet!! So sweet... He's alive, he's smiling somehow (I can hear it in his voice) and he's proud of me. Somehow he is proud.. of me. *shakes head and smiles* I could get little information out of him, but I almost didn't want it. It was like a fabulous dream just hearing him. And I'm clinging to it, to that thought for dear dear life. :)

I think this next month of homework, papers and exams is going to seriously cause some damage. I can feel it. And I just keep running away.

Some people are acting so weird. And as much as I try to make up for it or get them to talk or.. try to make sense of it all or... be weird to? I just get kerflummoxed and lost and it's annoying. Yes. Where on earth I was going with that, I don't know.

It's been nice catching up with friends since I've returned and I've learned the ins and outs of being a slacker and I'm sliding down the slippery slop fast. Today was actually a really good day, I even got to see the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show in Mass Comm. Not enough sleep, but a nice day. Coffeehouse, class, friends, smiles... nice.

One thing made this day fall apart. And I won't go into it. Because it wouldn't be appropriate and I don't really want to anyway. One phrase, one fact, one... All I know is it knocked the wind out of me. And my thoughts are definitely somewhere else tonight. And I'm trying so hard to hold it together. And I'm praying. Yes, praying.

Right after, I talked to Larissa. She IMed me out of the blue just to say hello. And she had perfect timing. My little angel. In tears I typed away and she knew exactly what to say. She's recovering still from something big, something perhaps unrecoverable. Her dad passed away. A great man, missed by many including me. Issa, I love you. Never ever forget that.

Seems like life never stops. It just keeps coming, keeps surprising all of us. I talked to my mom briefly today because I really needed to. After she listened to me fall, she said softly, "This has been quite a year for you Karen Rose. You've certainly been through a lot." She's right. But the smiles.. and the friends and the good moments, the unforgettable ones.. far outweigh the tears, sorrow, and hardships.

P.S. I talked to Mar on the phone last night. For the first time in months. It was so nice. He's good at understanding me and one hell of an artist, let me tell you. I missed him. He's the only one who's ever called me Kar aside from my mother... and I really like it.

Random thoughts from the homefront...
I forgot how much of my bed my dog takes up when he sleeps with me at night. I missed him. The only male in my life that is always protective, never jealous, doesn't care how long I've been away and never leaves my side. ;) Quite a companion my Bailey is.

My sister and I talked for a couple hours last night. We took turns updating the other and each of us kept falling asleep. It was kind of funny, we were both exhausted but wanted so badly to catch up we couldn't bear to just go to sleep.

I love my mother. As I drove home from school I ranted and raved the whole way about life's injustices and got so heated about everything I wasn't even sure I was safe to be driving. My mom just listened, smiled and comforted me. She gave the best advice (as mom's often do) and I felt infintely better by time I pulled into my driveway. She says she's amazed by me. And I can't understand that, she's the amazing one.

I talked on the phone with a dear friend last night as I drifted off to sleep. We caught up, told stories, made jokes (which are always partially TRUTH!) and giggled. I was hiding under my comforter the whole time, trying not to laugh too loud and wake my parents. I miss that feeling. I really missed being home.

I'm meeting with Fr. Jack tomorrow afternoon. I haven't seen him in a couple months since he was first diagnosed with terminal cancer. He just made the decision to stop kemo. And I'm seeing him tomorrow. I love it and hate it all at once. He's someone so special and dear to me. Like a teacher, guardian and father. One of my only real links to Catholicism anymore. And I get teary even thinking about this world without him. He's given so much to it. And to my life. Tomorrow's going to be a little difficult. For that as well as other rather ironic reasons.

I sat down this evening with Paul at the coffee shop across the street. Conversation flowed and it was so nice to see his familiar face again. It's interesting sitting down with someone so mature. Someone who takes the best from life and doesn't bullshit around. He's a great guy, a great reminder about how life should be lived, and I'm so lucky to have him as a friend and confidant.

This week 47 Marines died in Iraq. And 2 are missing. Makes me wonder what next week will bring. Makes me cry almost everytime I flip past CNN. And my brother took a disposible camera with him.. sent it back to his girlfriend in Atlanta to be developed. She sent the pictures to us... And I miss him and ache to see him even more. A tender smile in front of desolation. A silly grin peeking out from behind a big floppy camoflouge hat in front of heavy artillery I can't even identify. One of these days I'm just going to break down, and I'm scared about that. I'm trying so hard, Ron. I keep smiling everyday, just like I said I would.

I'm so tired all the time and sleep is fantastic, I feel like I can't get enough of it. I seriously sleep all the time now, despite frequent nightmares. Makes me wonder how I ever get anything accomplished with how much I sleep.

My brother Mike has become even more endearing lately for some unexplained reason. And I actually missed the kid while I was up at school and the best part.. I can tell he missed me. I even watched tech tv with him today while I was dying easter eggs and we both laughed at all the same nerdy places. Makes me know we're related and that despite our protests, we are family and we do love each other.

This summer's sure as heck going to be interesting for this independent girl who is in denial about her desire to be a little more... dependent :). *sigh* Oh, life what surprises are in store next I wonder... taking it one day at a time, baby steps, going with the flow.

Uh-oh.. Kar's getting all political on us...
I asked someone what would happen if I just went off and did a political rant on my little blog here. He responded that no one probably reads it so the likelyhood of the president's men coming to "take care" of me was very slim. I still don't know. It's very uncharacteristic of me to have any sort of publicly obvious opinion on anything related to politics. It's usually something I try to avoid. You know, unaffiliated, I vote my beliefs yadda yadda. I think the reason for this silence is the fact that my opinions greatly differ from my parents'. Hm. Kinda sounds like one of the reasons why I didn't audition for Cloud Nine, but that's another story for another day...

I guess these past few weeks have just stirred up some quiet embers in my heart. All of a sudden, I'm hugely vocal about my opinions and I hardly give a shit what people think in response to them. I've been going off at the mouth and I've been dying to put it all down on paper... But really, I realized as much as this is my sorta journal, this isn't the place to spout. This is my relief but not my place to impose my beliefs on those I care about who actually read this stuff. That's what my real journal is for; me to vent and just let of it.

The bulk of it can actually be summed up quite simply.

I have one question for you, Mr. Bush.

How many Marines have to die before you let my brother come home?

"Like it or not... you do have someone to watch over you.
Take care of yourself, Karen Rose..."

Thank you to my dear friends who have been looking out for me the past few days. They've been a little rough around the edges. And you each know who you are and hopefully you know just how much I love each of you.

Heading home, because I really need to be home right now.

I wish I had someone to watch over me...

I get to act one more time before the semester is out :). Guess who's going to be Katherine in a scene from Taming of the Shrew? Hooray! And to have Amy direct me one more time before she leaves... makes me remember Ophelia and I can't wait to get out there again. It's weird how lonely I've been for theater since Twelfth Night finished.

"I saw sparks..."
The cold has set in full force and I can't shake this groggy 'what the hell did you do to me?' feeling. It's like all the things I've done, accomplished and experienced in the past couple weeks have finally caught up to me. Meeeehh... My head is swimming. All I want to do is put on my big black hoody, put head phones on and bundle up in my bed for the next four days. But the fact I finally have a little more free time is really going to my head. I can't just sit in the room, or IM or even blog. I have this insane urge to be out.. seeing people, smiling, adventuring. It doesn't matter that I feel like crap I feel like I have to make up for the insane amounts of lost time.

I feel like I'm not "allowed" to feel the way I do. And I hate that. I feel like I should be feeling another way, like there's all these rules I should be following. But my heart is screaming everytime I try to. I have no idea what to listen to anytmore. Or what to do or say. All I know is I can't shake this feeling. And I just keep clinging to the fact that no matter what, "Everything's not lost."

Last night included: Listening to a voicemail from my mother wondering if I'm still alive, Seeing a face from the past and noticing just how much it has changed, Hanging up feeling lost and not so certain anymore, Tripping up the stockwell steps, Steph's hair wisping across her forehead, Andy wanting to drive off in his car, Wondering what someone was doing but too afraid to go see, Playing ping pong and losing, but really enjoying it, Getting a look that made me want to cry, Eating Steve's french fries, Missing my sister, Remembering how it felt to dunk oreos in milk, Finding a stone with the word "miracle" on it, remembering why I got it, Shivering, Four episodes of Family Guy... four, Watching in awe as someone left to go to a study session.. at the bar, Missing certain people but either too afraid to do something about it or knowing that there was nothing I really could do, Listening to my best friend tell me how in love she is and being so happy for her even if a tinge jealous, Gazing at her blushing and smiling like no one could ever take her off of her cloud, Making sure that everyone else avoided their work as much as possible, Trapped for a moment in a quick glance, Feeling the cold night air fill my lungs, Staring at my phone almost willing it to ring, Taking a shot of Nyquil like a champ, Falling into bed... Hardly sleeping at all really. Thinking. Dreaming. Wishing. Feeling. Fighting it back. Letting it go. Smiling.

It's funny how perspectives change, people change, but life keeps ticking along.

Man, this entry was way too.. philisophical and shit. Guys, I'm fine, life is good, don't think it's not. How is your's?

Song for the moment (yeah well, it's stuck in my head):
"Shiver" by Coldplay
On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

And is this my final chance of getting to you?
I'll always be waiting for you...
Don't you Shiver? Shiver, Shiver

"But what is life without a little adventure..." - Kyle
Well I didn't think I was capable of just dropping everything, but today I did. Dropped it all and left. And let me tell you, that feeling was so liberating, freeing, sensational... mmm, this better last me at least a few days before I just do it all again. :)

I woke up this morning at 11, hopped in the shower and checked my AIM, all ready for the day ahead. I was going to see Abducting Diana at MSU with Alexis. She had IMed me while I was in the shower and said she couldn't go, she had too much work to do. My heart just about fell out of my chest. This was something I was looking forward to for weeks now. I frantically scanned my buddy list. Who would want to go see a play with me? Anyone? *sigh* no one... At that moment David put up an away message and I checked it just for kicks. It said, "gone home for a while." I nonchalantly IMed him and asked if Lansing was on his way to Flint. He said it was and I then requested a huge ass favor.

Now, David is one of those few people in this world that would do just about anything for me and vice versa. He's one of my best friends whether we're talking or not and it's almost like we have this silent connection. He was waiting for me out front as I stumbled out a few moments later with crappy printed up map and hair falling in wisps out of a loose bun I barely had time to do. All I had was my messenger bag that had a granola bar, extra sweater, cell phone and 40 dollars in Canadian. <-- yeah, that's the best part right there.

David and I had great conversation on the way and got to do some silly catching up. We also called our chain network of people to find out where the Aud was, seeing as my directions sucked ass. It was actually a great time calling all these people we hadn't talked to in ages just to get directions. We were giggling and having a great time. I marvelled at the fact I was going to be all alone in Lansing in a second for who knows how long. I felt like a hitch hiker for a moment. And it was an insane feeling. As tiny and insignificant as it was, I still felt like it was a grand adventure. I jumped out in Lansing, hugged Dave and thanked him profusly and then... well... wandered. I talked to ducks, I people watched, I walked the city streets, I called my sister and said in the midst of giddy laughter, "Guess where I a-am!!" The hour and a half before the show was fantastically new and crazy. I felt so independent and almost like I was in a strange place I didn't know at all.

I wandered into the Aud a little before showtime and saw some of the girls I met at ACTF and other MSU functions (ha!). I sat with uncertainty in the arena theater. The set was carnival-like and whimsical. The people around me seemed to all know someone or each other and the weird feeling I got was almost intoxicating. The play began and I giggled my way through a humerous first act. My friend Sarah was kicking some serious ass in the lead role and I could hardly believe just a month ago she and i were marveling that we had the exact same bathing suit. What a talented girl, so much energy. The second act creeped in and Bobby made his first appearance as the priest with the silly nose and handlebar moustache. It was so great to finally see him there.. in his element. On a stage, acting. His passion. The one thing that took hold of both of us by storm, how we met and in turn how I met all the other great people I adore from MSU. It was a fabulous show, I laughed, I got whip creamed (yeah, all over my shirt, pants and messenger bag) and I had a smile the whole time. As hard as it was for me to get there, even if i had to walk home, it was all worth it.

After the show, I sat in my seat and watched actors slowly file out. Then a man breezed by me with a power tool and started taking apart the set. I looked a little closer... It was Rob Berls! Holy crap! I stood up and walked over and casually asked if he needed any help. Before looking up, he started to answer me to recoil an extension cord over yonder. He looked up at me and did a double take. He stood up and said, "Karen!!" He hugged me and asked all about albion, how twelfth night went, how the dept. is doing. It was so great to see him and share the sentiment that we all missed him so much. He laughed and gave me another hug before getting to work. He laughed like a little kid and said, "You're here for Bob right? I told him if messes with you, he dies!" I laughed and told him about the others I had come to see as well. He ran off to finish off the set and I turned around. Sarah was right there. Stole a hug from her and felt almost empowered. Like all that energy she just had was infused in me. It was awesome. I walked out the back doors and almost fell over as I bumped into Bobby. He smiled broadly and hugged me tightly. "It's been SO long! Thanks SO much for coming!"

The rest of the day unfolded sweetly and pleasantly. Took in Starbucks, fabulous conversation, and some more of East Lansing's grandeur (this included the place where you can "rent" a dog to take for a walk... yeah! i'm serious!) Oh and the llamas, they were everywhere. Haha. Bob dropped me back at Albion insisting if I came all the way out there on my own somehow, he needed to take me back.

I got back to Albion around dinner time and just as my newest plague started to hit me. Yeah, invincible me has gotten the plague! I have a cold.. and I have a feeling it's going to eat me alive and prevent me from doing any work.. at all. ha. :)

A pleasant evening followed. Some homework, some visits, some hugs, some sneezes and Alisha and I break dancing.. right by the window that looks out to Hannah St. :) All in all a weekend for the record books. It was fabulous.

I had an away message up while I was at State that read: "Is it worth it? Leave the answer or call the cell." Later when I got in I had this conversation with Jordan...

Jor: so, is it worth it?
FireflyKG: maybe not perfect
FireflyKG: but definitely worth it
Jor: well, things are rarely perfect
FireflyKG: that is true
FireflyKG: and ususally it's those imperfections that make life really worth living

Weekend update...
This weekend's been busy... but in the BEST way! I was doing anything but homework everyday. Friday night I had a fabulous night. Heart-to-hearts with two very special seniors to me who each had varying views on graduating. It was kind of a swift kick in the ass. I only have two years left. Honestly, where the f has the time gone is what I'm wondering? I got to go for a walk at 4 am around the quad and talk about Isle Royale and I also got a promise for a canoe trip down the K-zoo river during senior week. *giggles* oh Nater, Chad, what am I gonna do without you guys? I got to spend some quality time with my theater crew (Andy, Steph and Aud) and then sit in the dark basement of TKE with Steve and David as we discussed life and what the heck is the problem with the opposite sex really... It was a great conversation and a straight up honest one. I love those.

It was a hella late night and I slept in on Saturday until 2:30pm. And I never got out of my pjs all day. It was a lazy day and oh my God did it feel great... Kyle stopped in and spent some time with A and I. I fell asleep for a quick nap and a nightmare ensued. It's weird when I have them, i don't want anyone to know or try to comfort me. I don't know whether I'm embarassed by them or whether it's just something so painful and personal I just want to be alone, but I go into independent mode and want to be left alone. Despite that hard interlude it was a great day. I went to Felpausch with A to get cinnamon (with no E!) buns just because... it was another one of our wild nights. She and I were hyper and giggly and it was just one of those nights... It's hard to imagine next year without them. I know we'll still have them, of course. But not nearly as often. And I really hate thinking about that. We bonded, she's my sister. And I can't imagine living without her.

Saturday night was another silly one. I went to the coffeehouse and worked while pete, brent, rische and dylan played. I love that house. I love the atmosphere, the way it makes people feel on nights like that. When everyone is packed in, standing room only. Melodic tunes hover through the thick air and soft conversation and giggles permeate the strong mocha scented night. The steamer and expresso machine whir as the managers chase each other around with rubber band wars, huge paper airplane and empty whip cream cans... It's just... a feeling. You have to come over and feel it.

After a quick chat with Dylan I was back out into the night. I got decked out in the catholic school girl outfit and made an appearance at TKE to say hello. I got to hang with Minjoe and we had a great, surprisingly serious conversation. I understand his political beliefs now. And I feel a lot more informed. Not only about politics, but about him as a person. It was way cool. I saw Jordan, Amy and Chelsea rockin it out and my night was complete.

There was the admittance of secrets that marked this night..

A brief interlude of a sing-a-long in trevor's room (with Amy and I acting way silly), a quick run to wesley and an exhausted Karen was ready for bed... Wow. Crazy weekend and lotsa fun. It was so nice to let loose and let go of all that crap I've been so worried about doing the past two weeks. Mmm, sweetness.

"Never shall I fly again without the thought of him..."

"What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone is."
I thought this was the perfect quote for today brought to you by my dear sister. Love her so much. And this quote sure as hell fit me today. Even though I was in a crappy mood all day. Aside from everything that was bothering me yesterday, I think part of the crappy mood has to do with the fact that I really am not very happy right now. And I'm so used to being happy. Or at least optimistic. And I want to be so badly. And I think I should be. But I can't deny the fact I'm not. And THAT really sucks. Oh and I miss my sister. And being home in general. Today was a very homesick day.

I still have the song Toxic stuck in my head. I hate Britney Spears.

I woke up at 1:30 pm today (skipped work) and knew already that sleep didn't really help me much. I went straight to the coffeehouse after wanting to go into bitch mode with some people. I restrained myself and grinded my teeth as I stepped out into the sun and walked quickly to the house in the middle of everything.

I watched American Beauty with Brendan and the house-mates. I totally havent seen that movie in ages and I forgot how much I love it. It really made me think. And the whole thing.. so beautiful. Goes definitely into my top 5 movies. After that, I decided to continue with my lazy kick and skip class (yes! me! skip class! i knew it was the end of the world when *I* became a slacker.. yeah, now can you tell something's seriously wrong?) and we watched Being John Malkovitch. Way weird movie. I don't know if I liked it. I think I'll need to see it again to make a final judgment.

We rearranged alyssa's room as an april fools joke. i have this funny image of her coming into her room late tonight in the dark and falling on her ass because her bed is now on the other side of the room. i almost forgot it was april 1st til then.

I continued on my procrastination kick by going to the Mr. Briton pageant. Well at least part of it. All the delt sigs were kicking butt (especially Dillan, i mean holy wow! mr. piano man!) and JP was adorable. Great job guys, I wonder who won.

On my way home I stopped off in Bobbit. Yeah, Bobbit, the art building. I forgot how last year I used to go there all the time late at night. I'd peek in the large rooms and see diligent artists quietly working. I'd take in the second floor gallery for a moment or two. It's not the Metropolitan Museum or anything, but it sure is beautiful and we certainly have very talented individuals who go here. And I like the feeling I get in that building, like I somehow belong there. Want to know something? I always wanted to be an artist. Always. I even have a website for my art. And golly do I miss all the time I used to spend on my photos and drawings. *sigh* Bobbit was a nice reminder, a pleasant little stop on my way home.

And now back to the books, exam on Christianity tomorrow in Western Religions. This should be easy right? Ha. We'll see. To the library I go for the first work I've done all day. Bah.

"April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."-T.S. Eliot (thanks steve)

just a thought...

I remember once when i was very young, I was chasing my dog in the backyard. She had stolen one of my favorite blankies. I chased her all around the yard, teetering, losing my balance more with each step I took. My chubby legs finally gave out as I stepped from the grass to the concrete. I fell hard, skinning my knee and tearing my green ruffled dress. Before the tears could reach my eyes, I was in my brother's strong arms. I have this vision in my head of him watching me; knowing he couldn't hold my hand forever.. knowing that i needed to fall on my own first, before he could pick me up and save me.
What happens when I fall now?