Well... Here goes nothing.

*jumps in headfirst*

Out the door to London.
Know you come with me and the thought of you will keep me smiling. :)
Thank you, everyone for your loving support. I'll try to be in touch as best I can. Cheers!

I woke up today in London
As the plane was touching down
And all I could think about was Monday
And maybe I'll be back around
If this keeps me away much longer
I don't know what I will do
You've got to understand its a hard life
That I'm going through
And when the night falls in around me
I dont think I'll make it through
I'll use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you


And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion
That I hope will never leave
And when I look to the sky
Something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I'm lost
Something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

This evening, I got home from Hannah's christening (which was beautiful. and that little girl's going to change the world, i feel it) and climbed into my pjs. Granted it was only 3pm on a Sunday, but my mom got into hers so I felt justified. Plus it was an overactive mind day. My brain was just on full blast and would not quit. Worries. Gobs of them. I figured lazy sunday afternoon with mom was just the ticket. We pigged out on pizza from down the street then I grabbed Finding Nemo. Just as we were about to get that started, my brother's friend Rob came by. Now Rob's been Mike's best friend for years and he's a wonderful person who's been through quite a lot. He's pretty much been one of the family, especially lately after his father's passing. I lied quietly on the couch and listened to my parents talking to him. They talked energetically and told stories about recent happenings and even delved into embarassing things Mike has done in the past. I smiled softly. Before I knew it I had fallen asleep to the voices of my parents and their quiet laughter. When I awoke about an hour or so later, the conversation had started to wane. My father looked over at me from his rocking chair as my eyes blinked awake. He smiled sincerely, for the first time in weeks I feel. He waved in a silly manner. I smiled, suddenly shy and waved back. It was one of those afternoons. It was comforting. Real. It hit me pretty hard.

Plus the sleep was amazing. Sleep's been hard to come by lately. My nerves have just been shot with London on the way and plethora of other things on my mind. Letting go is a lot harder than I thought it'd be and I find that I feel like I've already been forgotten a little. Like I'm surprised people actually listened to me when I told them to let me go and forget about me while I was gone, because this is something "I must do alone" (cue: star wars theme). *sigh* It's just strange already being lonely and I haven't even left yet. It's also strange for the first time since I was a child not being able to quiet my thoughts enough to get some much needed sleep. Maybe I should start that whole "book on tape" and nightlight combo again. That worked really well for me when I was 6 or 7.

So I finally saw Star Wars the other day. I was floored immediately, great movie. Though the acting kinda left me.. bleh. And now that I've had a chance to let it settle, despite the Star Wars geek in me, it really wasn't that life changing. Though it was pretty spectacular. Two parts really struck me, though and I think I'll definitely hold on to those... (tune the following out if you haven't seen it yet)
One part was Padme's last words.
"There is still good in him..." That part almost made me cry.
The other was Yoda's advice.
"What must I do master?"
"You must train yourself to let go of all you fear to lose."
Hm.

Leave a question or peice of advice for London in the comments. If it's a question, I'll respond honestly. If it's advice, thanks in advance.

(some quality emo to follow. heads up.)

Stay a minute longer,
Because I know that tomorrow
My best friend will be my coffee cup.
As I'm about to enter into my last week in the States before I get on a plane and leave until an undetermined date I'm.. I'm... Well, I'm actually at peace. I'm ready. And since I first came to Albion with "studying abroad" as just some distant hazy dream, this is the first time I'm not completely terrified at the thought. I'm actually okay. With the wealth of information I've gotten from friends and my own research, I feel as informed as I can be without actually living there yet. It's the emotional journey I'm not quite sure I'm ready for yet. But "you can't fence time" and it's becoming more and more obvious that I'm quickly running out of that.
The year closed sadly. I watched the people I've admired and looked up to walk across the quad proudly in caps and gowns. There were smiles, hugs and peace signs affectionately thrown my way as I smiled weakly. I'll miss them. And I'll miss the life the Coffeehouse has given me. The good thing is all the changes that have occured in me since I've had the company of those graduating and since I moved into 1106 Jackson Street.. I'll take all of those changes with me. The parts of me that are different, better because of the people and places I've encountered and loved this past year will never be forgotten. "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." Thanks to those that grabbed me, touched my life, even if only for a moment, even if it was just a flicker of a smile or a hand on my shoulder when I thought I was all alone. Thank you. The last night in the C-House we reminisced and cried. We listened to Tori and all of our favorite songs. When I remember that night, the feeling in the pit of my stomach still hurts. So I prefer to keep away from thinking about it. At least for now, while the hole is still gaping. In a couple months I'll be able to remember all that happened and all that was said with a nostalgic smile. For now though, I miss my girls. And I miss my bat-infested, coffee smelling, Wilco echoing, creaking, sometimes creepy, always homey coffee house.
So I've figured it out and assessed it. I'm 50/50 right now. As I move to London, I am 50/50. I'm 100% real, genuine. Half of me is essentially good. At least from worldly standards. Half of me would do anything for anyone. I'd drop my own needs for another's happiness without a second thought. I'd go out of my way to make someone elses day better, even if there are other things I "should" be doing. Half of me is completely spirited, honest, virtuous and giving. And half of me isn't there yet. Half of me is negative, bad, dark. Half of me is stuck in pessimism and a general anger at life and the events I've been thrown. Half of me mercilessly lashes out for reasons I should handle better. I am not proud of the half of me I've sort of learned to live with and accept over the past few years. The part of me that is completely self absorbed and not concerned in the least with the feelings of others. That part is still considerable. And my deep hope is that London will change me. At least decrease the half that is negative. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Bring me closer to being good than bad. In being alone, fending for myself, I really hope I learn some valuable lessons. Because it's about time for this Rose to get a swift kick in the ass. It's definitely overdue.

A picture from the craziness that was Buffet Bash. A little late, yes. But worth it I feel.

The edges of the screen were starting to blur something fierce as I clicked the last few words of my last paper of the entire year. The last part of my junior year academic existance. I put in a punctuation, hit save and took a deep breath. It was done. Finally. I turned on 3 libras as loud as it would go and looked in the mirror. I certainly was a sight. Frightful. After a week of sleepless nights it was definitely start to show in my tired bloodshot eyes. I smiled. It was done. I put on real clothes for the first time in what felt like days, put on a little make up, drank the remainder of my pint and sprayed on some fruit scented mist I got from my aunt two Christmases ago.
What to do... I thought wistfully.
It was my first real piece of not guilty free time I've had all semester. I didn't have to be anywhere, there was nothing left to be doing. I crawled into my grey coat and grabbed my keys. I exuded a triumphant squeal to my housemates and departed.
It was light outside when I entered the familiar chapel, the sun slowly starting to hide behind trees and clouds to my left. It brought back a myriad of memories. Good and bad. Mostly from my first two years here at Albion. Freshman year it was my place to fit in in choir every weekday and dread voice lessons in the tower with maureen. My sophomore year it became my oasis. I dropped choir and the voice lessons and took Piano I. At the beginning I dreaded it much like I did voice lessons, but before I knew it I remembered why I loved the instrument so much. I'd go there late at night after a horrible day or a particularly good day and instantaneously feel better. I'd lock myself in a practice room for an hour and play. This year I lost that though. This was my first time back since last spring...
The concert hall was dark with only a few lights illuminating an empty, bandshelled stage. I tip toed down the stairs and opened the door gingerly as though I was afraid of waking a baby that may be asleep in the music office. I found a practice room near the back, off of the main hallway and turned on the light. I sat down on the familiar seat. For a moment I just stared. I then took a breath and slowly reached out and lovingly touched the black and white keys...
Without thinking my feet pressed the pedals and a familiar tune resonated in the tiny, flourescent lit room. The sound was rich and full... It cut through the air, filled it completely. It immersed my head and heart and my thoughts could be no where but that room with that sound.. that unmistakeable tune. Immediately my worries vanished. It was just me and the piano. Emotion flowed.. it was beautiful. It had been far to long I thought. Far too long.
It seemed fitting that in ending yet another year at Albion, I ended it doing something I learned to love while I was here. Something that became an escape from the realities of life and academics.. a break from the world. That's what the piano is for me. And I did forget. It was so calming to be reminded...