What if I made a grave mistake?
I guess we all have days like this. Days when you look at your life, analyze every aspect of it (when you should be doing something much more productive) and wonder... Did I miss something? Have I made a mistake I'll never be able to fix? Would I be somewhere completely different, a lot happier had I not given up so easily, made a different choice or had a little more faith? I had a dream last night. It was a pretty disturbing one. I mean, I've joined the insomnia club of Albion (I really think we should make it a club, get funding and shit. what do you think guys?) and sleep just doesn't come as easily as it used to last year and this past summer. There is something unsettling in the air and I can't seem to shake it. And the dream kinda cued me off and today it's taking all my strength not to go talk to someone important to me, not to apologize, beg for something, anything from them... *shakes head* but then I think about my status. I'm finally doing it. The thing no one including myself ever thought I could do. And I know I can't... I just can't. There's no going back. Karen, you have to stick to your choices and not give in. If it's a mistake, it's *your* mistake, no one elses. You make others live with theirs, you should live with yours.
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in? Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again. I'm sick of running away from this.
Speaking of dreams, two of my closest friends had nightmares in the past week... Both were about me. And both were about my death. Jessica came into my room near tears in the middle of the day a week ago and hugged me. She said she had been napping and had a horrific dream about me. A man was following the five of us with a tall, dark stature and a distinctly crooked nose. One night she and I were lying in her bed talking and she fell asleep. When she awoke in her dream I was still beside her grimacing in pain. I said something classically Karen. I said, "Minor problem. I've been stabbed." I moved my hand from my side and blood poured out and then I died.
I was shocked and a little scared myself by her dream, but I let it go. Just a dream, right? Then two days ago Ian IMed me and said he really wanted to see me. I stopped by delt sig after class and he was playing videogames and jason was napping on the couch. Ian hugged me. Surprised at this sudden burst of affection I asked him what was wrong and he said he had a dream that I had died and it was so real he had been sad and pissed off all day. His dream involved me getting into a car accident. He said he found out about it after I had already been buried and no one would tell him why they didn't tell him sooner or where my gravesite was. He was frustrated and saddened and was running around in his dream trying to find anyone who would tell him. He said there was a part where he was in a department store with his brothers and none of them would even help him. He ran into a bathroom and just cried. He remembered passing out from exhaustion and sadness in his dream. When he awoke in his dream, he breathed a sigh of relief thinking it was all only a dream. He told Jason (in his dream) that he was going to come see me because he dreamt that I had died. And Jason said, "Dude. That wasn't a dream. She is dead."
Ian hugged me again and told me how I was his closest girl friend and that he really admires me and my presence in his life. So while it was nice to hear these sentiments about how much I mean to people I care about, there's that little superstitious side of me that's a little freaked out... Whether I admit it or not, I'm scared out of my mind of death. Especially lately when I realize I've lost two people my age in a years time. It's enough to make you tremble.
The play is going extremely well. I'm making more and more choices about my character and I'm growing to feel her, become her, admire her even. She has more sexual prowess than and character I've ever played and more than I could even contain in a lifetime (not that I'd really want to). And everyone's starting to come together as a cast. This is my favorite part of the rehearsal process. When lines flow easily and people can just experiment, have fun together and long rehearsals don't seem that long. We have our first run through in full dress tonight. Should be really fun. The costumes kick ass.
I keep getting stuck working the nights at the coffeehouse that are just.. dead. Saturday nights when nearly everyone's out getting plastered. Bleh. But some really great people hang out here on those nights. I'm hoping this coming saturday will be much like last night was. All the Porter coffeehouse alums coming to just chill, play "roof tag" (not funny at all!!! *quietly laughs behind a pillow and roofs nick from across campus*), and not worry.. about anything. Hope this saturday's like that. Because if it's another Risk-a-thon, I may just bang my head against a wall.
Well class calls. Just thought I'd give a quick update and a few stories.

Smile empty soul.

"Life is what happens when you can't get to sleep."
I should be doing that paper.
I should be sleeping.
I should be dreaming about the life I know I'll have someday.
I should be a better friend.
I should realize I'm better off alone sometimes.
I should understand that sometimes we need people. And sometimes we need person.
I should not take shit from someone over and over no matter how much I want to protect them.
I should smile.
I should stop crying over spilt milk.
I should admit it's not just spilt milk.
I should be upset that people walk all over me.
I should laugh at the beauty before me.
I should have a boyfriend.
I should not have written that last line.
I should realize a should means "should" not simply a potentially nice idea to daydream on.
I should stop this whole blog thing because I'm too concerned with what *you* will think about these words I write for some stupid reason.
I should take a friend's advice and stop caring so much.
I should take a friend's advice and never stop caring, because that is who I am.
I should let go of that one regret that's making me cry as I write.
I should do something about that regret. But I can't. Because I *do* care.
I should stop trying to see into the thoughts of others because it only hurts when I don't find what I hope to.
I should watch the leaves change.
I should keep on being a little more bashful. But I should remember that who I really am isn't bashful at all. She's bold... to a fault.
I should stop looking back, but it's an addiction. An obsession.
I should paint, draw, create. That used to be so much a part of me.
I should just be myself and enjoy life. Wait.. I'm doing that.
I should bask in my independence because for the first time in a long time I truly am...
I should admit independence doesn't equate to being lonely. You can still lean on others.
I should have a hand to hold.
I should read that book I've been meaning to.
I should write again.
I should let go. Even though I can't. I've tried. This is me trying.
I should count my blessings.
I should curse my failures.
I should lock my door.
I should stare at the stars. Right now.
I should go for what it is I want because it's screaming at me... No, I shouldn't do that.
I should realize I'm not standing still. I'm simply running in place.
I should quit being so rhetorical, philisophical, analytical.
I should play in the rain.
I should remember how the silence between two souls felt like.
I should not forget what it was like when we had hours to spare.
I should let myself have hours to spare.
I should cease torturing myself like this.
I should do my paper.
I should go to bed.
I should dream... dream.
I should love. Because I know I can. And I learned that... from you.

So Jason and I were bored in Visual Comm today... and this is what came from us.

Poem for 9/15
Today is the day
I start the rest of my life
Today is the day
I am honest with myself
Today is the day
I take a fucking chance
Today is the day
I make my hardcore stance
Today is the day
I don't cringe at my own reflection
In a puddle in the street
Today is the day
I strut down the cat walk
Embracing all my mistakes
Today is the day
The model drops the pose
And the misfit triumphs over the darkness
Today is the day
The loner accepts a hug
And the thug tosses the bat aside
Today is the day
Breath comes easy
And white knuckles let go
... let go.
Today is the day
Tension leaks from my frame
And I smile because it feels good
... it feels good.
Today is the day
I am full to the brim with courage
To allow my heart to beat
To let my fingertips feel
To cry.

Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time. - Maya Angelou

Who's emo??? *raises hand and pulls hoodie over head with a wry smile* Yeah, that'd be me.
I'm like updating up the whoah (yes up the whoah) lately. I'm not really sure why. I mean, my life really isn't that interesting. And I really should be doing something much more productive.. like oh, study my lines? term paper? 6 pager for visual? study for spanish? oh pshaw, who needs an education anyways.
Rehearsals are actually going well and I'm actually starting to get a firm grasp on things slowly but surely. And holy hell is this play hilarious. You gotta come see it. Mark your calenders, bitches. haha. Sept. 29-Oct. 2. Restoration period SEX has checked into Albion in all it's corsetted, big wig glory. :)
Zack got his appendix taken out on saturday night. Talk about ouch. I visited him in the hospital sunday. It was weird being in a hospital again. My feelings towards them aren't completely negative... but they aren't indifferent. Hospitals just have changed my life more than once. And I don't know how I feel about that.
Classes are kicking my ass and it feels like we've already been here for three months. Just heavy work load constantly. Not to mention rehearsal every night, work at the KC (5 hour shifts that seem to last forever... except when there's your neighborhood sqaure dance, haha.), and being on call here at the coffee house which I've managed to schedule on rehearsal nights as well as KC nights... wtfuck?!?! (my new phrase, check it and use it well)... *wipes brow* it's amazing I haven't shat my pants about it all yet. that will come. Man, I'm being awfully vulgar tonight, aren't I?
Who needs to take a fucking chance? *raises hand and pulls hoodie over head with a wry smile*
I had an amazing conversation with Jaime last night. We opened up to each other more than we have to many other people, if anyone for that matter. We talked about our past, the tragic and the untold. It was really hard to hear and say, but really... beautiful. What an amazing woman she is, so kind-hearted and genuine. I am so lucky to share a house with such fantastic people.
I just love the voices I hear when I walk in the door.
Can I get a woot for sleeping in tomorrow? And a second woot for my first morning being on call on Wednesday?! "Heck yes!" <-- said like Napolean Dynamite (GREAT movie!). Come on in, 8-noon-er on wednesday and check out your favorite house manager in aciton! :)
So my mood... surprisingly good considering stressful sitiations (said how it's spelled) going down right now. I'm starting to listen to Jason a bit on the whole don't give a shit and don't care what other people think advice. Well, I gotta hit up movie night with my girls right now and procrastinate even more! Hope everyone's keeping in good spirits despite recent events and complications.. smile. because gosh your smile's goregous. :)

“These words consume her. But they never set her free.” - SC
I don’t have much to say in this post. Just a few random things.
Silence, like all other fine things is only good in moderation.
I’m left standing on the dark of night. Breeze blowing softly through the hair hanging over my dull green eyes. They fill with tears as I look at the angel resting in the palm of my hand.
I bought a really cool nightgown (I’ve always wanted one) and plaid pants today at good will. I don’t know, I was just excited.
What’s the point of having the guts if you miss your chance?
“Best friends are what make life bearable. Even in the darkness, they lead you on safe paths that smell sweetly of roses and lavender.”
I’m so glad I live here.
I really am very lucky. Even though I forget how much sometimes.
You know, there are some things important enough to cry over. And there are others that simply are not. But feelings are real and as asinine as it may be, sometimes tears are inevitable. But hurling yourself into deep depression about things that *will* be fine is… stupid. Even though we all do it. It’s dumb. (p.s. this statement is not intended for anyone but me. for those going through hard times now, your sadness is warrented. don't look at this as an attack, please. it's simply a personal reminder, one i most likely should've kept to myself.)
It’s to dying in another’s arms and why I had to try it.
Two men told me they loved me last night... the kind of love between close friends. quiet and unassuming, they told me what I mean to them, they tried to put me to words. while I cannot be their's and they could never be mine, I still mean so much to them... I've given one man hope and another a friend who will never leave his side. life is funny sometimes. though you often don't get what you want, you get blessed with the unexpected... And what you didn't expect is often greater than what you could've dreamed.

Where can I go where your pictures won't haunt me? What makes it so easy for you to be walking by? - Something Corporate
I've been listening to Something Corporate a lot more again lately. It's brought back striking memories I wish I could relive over and over again.. and others I wish would be wiped away. And it's given me a few new thoughts and new perspectives on things. I love it when music does that.
I think I've understood my problem before, but I never put words to it until I was talking to someone very close to me last night. I just need to quit being so afraid. And I just need someone be patient with me. That's all. Simple right? Sure sounds like it. haha. It was just nice to put it all to a couple simple sentances.
My brother isn't coming home here until Thanksgiving now. I'm pretty sad about the fact he went to see his girlfriend first before all of us, but love's like that I guess. But he's home right? That's really what matters most.
I thought my director didn't like me. I mean that *is* the way I've been interpreting his behaviour. But I think I might've been mistaken. I emailed him to remind him to bring my music to rehearsal and asked if there was anything he wanted me to change about my character and he replied saying I was doing well and that I was a very interesting person to watch onstage. He stated specific moments of rehearsal he thought I did well at and said it was obvious I've been doing my homework. As odd as it may sound, this made me feel.. really good. Especially since I feel like I'm just flailing around trying to secure this character to the best of my ability.
After rehearsal on wednesday night, I walked as quickly as possible back to the house. I swung the door open and was greeted by a crowd of faces just inside the door. The grin on my face was huge and never left for the remainder of the night. I yelled as I walked in, "Guys! I'm home!!!" I dropped my bags and ran into the kitchen where the four other girls were running around making drinks as fast as they could to keep up with the large crowd taking up nearly every inch of the place. I joined in the madness steaming milk, making espresso and trying to keep all the orders straight. We could hardly wash glasses fast enough to refill them for new customers. The tip jar was nearly overflowing by midnight and the air was just full of electricity. Laughter echoed through the house and there was a group of 12 playing cranium in the back room getting rowdy and excited. Everyone loved the new paint, furniture and general welcoming atmosphere the coffee house exudes. Nearly everyone I wanted to be there with me was there sharing in my elation and hugging me with congratulations. People who had never been to the house before stepped cautiously in the door and got swept up in giddy excitement. To say the opening night of the Coffee House was a success would be a *huge* understatement. It was a amazing. I wish we could have nights like that here every night. Thanks to everyone who came and made it perfect.

On the lessons from Little Women...
One of my favorite books growing up was Little Women. I mean, I was a child and it was a book about four sisters growing up, each with seperate dreams, ambitions and personalites. It was a perfect book for me. I was in the play twice playing the role of Jo the first time and Meg the second. And as I've gotten older I remember the book, the story and I feel like a different sister almost everytime I remember how attached to the book I was.
I remembered the book yesterday for little to no reason at all but I took the moment to think about which sister I feel like now. Meg, the oldest is kind, generous and level headed. Jo is a wild, tomboyish adventurer who loves the theatre and writing. Beth is quiet and sensitive, but wise beyond her years. And Amy is the spoiled youngest who can be a touch vain and annoying but always knew since she was little exactly what she wanted from life and love; an artist.
Now... I'd have to say I'm like Jo. But not because of her nature alone, because of her situation. I remember a quote from the book after she refused Laurie's proposal of marriage (when I read her saying no, I wanted to jump in the book and yell at her that she was making a horrible mistake). She said to her mother, "I go around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals... I don't feel at home anywhere anymore." And I thought, that's me. Perfectly nice human beings are asking to take care of me and I refuse. My independent nature won't let it be so. I've been that way for a while it seems. Perhaps it just hasn't been my time yet to be tied to another. And maybe it will be time soon. Or not. I'd like to say I'm contented at heart about it all, but like Jo I don't feel at home many places anymore.

This was a really weird post. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Even though now it feels like a private journal entry I shouldn't post... Oh well. Who reads this anymore anyways? ;)

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
For not the first time and definitely not the last time this school year, I am up way past my bedtime. For no academic purpose at all. Just thoughts keeping sleep at bay. So I am left to sit over there *points* and think about my life and status thereof or click away in the ol' blogger and catch up on recent events... And since it's been awhile and sitting over there *points again* has already occured more than once this evening, lets try some clicking. *clickety click*

MY BROTHER IS HOME FROM IRAQ!!! Sorry for the tardiness of this announcement, I've just been on a cloud of sorts since I heard the news last wednesday. *sigh* Talk about weight off the shoulders. I found out in the midst of Briton Bash (which kicked serious ass this year with my "follow me to the coffeehouse" sign on my back and frisbee barefoot on the quad) on a beautiful sunny afternoon. My phone beeped that I had a voicemail after putting it down for the first time all day (I had it on even during class awaiting any news). I checked it, heard my mom's relieved and happy voice with the news. I screamed, jumped up and down and then burst into tears. My housemates rushed around me and held me close sharing in elation. Amber remarked, "I didn't even know he was there!" and Jaime said sweetly, "Oh, Karen. I'm so glad." It was a beautiful moment and one I got to share with the coffeehouse. It was one of those moments you live for and thrive on for weeks and weeks after...
Sadly, I won't be seeing him til he flies back to this state at the end of the month but for now I'm contented knowing he's just safe on US soil. And I talked to him for a really long time this past sunday while I was home for labor day weekend... He asked how the boys in my life have been treating me for the past 8 months he's been away. I smiled sheepishly and gave him the short, but sordid tale. He said "You tell them that your big brother just got home and has some serious post-war agression and nothing means more to him than his little sister's heart. If it's broken, I break them." I smiled, he was home. My brother, my guardian was finally back.
I got to see my sister when I went home this weekend as well and my mom was elated to have a house full of noise and laughter again with nearly all her kids under one roof again. Kath and I got to catch up but not nearly as much as I'd have liked. We know we're there for each other though, supporting even in the silence of our now busy lives and that's so important to me. I fell asleep with early morning sunbeams shining into the room in the arms of my mother for the first time since I was 7 and my dog died. It was really... comforting. Mike was annoying but in his cute way and my father ended off an actually stressful weekend at home with a comment about my being "vain." *sigh* Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be something other than the youngest black sheep around my house. Ahh well. Other than that, my labor day weekend was relaxing and sort of productive.
It's strange having Kurt in my life again.. in any way really, but especially at school. I mean, he helped me move in and I introduced him as my best friend again.. it was so strange. And odd how we can go months without talking and pick up right where we left off. He still knows me more than most and it's so good to check in with him once in a while or know I can call him now when things go pear-shaped or life smiles on me.
Alisha... Speaking of best friends. :) What a strikingly unique and amazing individual. I'm so glad guys are starting to realize that more now, too. Not only is she beautiful, but her personality just makes her shine. I'm so lucky she lets me be her shadow. And tea late at night with her here has become a new tradition:).
The coffeehouse opens tomorrow night! I'm so exicted. It's finally here. There will be the voices of people as I come in the door from rehearsal at night now. Mornings I'll be lulled awake by the smell of coffee brewing and soft chatter from the living room of early customers... And the magic of this house will become reality in the life of others, not just me. To say I'm stoked would be a major understatement. Gosh, I love it here.
Extended a willow branch to an old friend... And he recieved it well. As well as a Western Religions notebook with a picture I totally forgot was in there. *laughs* You're pretty damn cool, even if you do coordinate everything you own.
Miles is still getting me through each day... (no not a new boyfriend, though he could be. Mr. Davis is my man. *smiles*)
Miss meeting in the middle.
Class is class... there's little to be said in that dept. I have spanish tutorial tomorrow with James. That should be interesting. Especially after Brendan and I broke into the I-house that one day. haha.
Ian and Jason are the best. Love my delt sigs. So glad to be the family sweetheart!
Play kicks ass, but I'm not a big fan of my director. And I don't really think he's a fan of me. Bobby keeps telling me I need to isolate the problem and let it go so I can fully perform to my ability. *sigh* real actors! haha. what are you going to do with them? HUG them :). Anyhoo, play is cool though and I need to get my butt in gear on the character study and memorization asap... I don't know, my thoughts have just been so scattered lately. And that's how I'll end this I suppose. My thoughts... scattered. Not quite sure which end is up, but living it day by day hoping for some direction eventually. My shoulders are lighter, but my heart hurts a little.. I'm not going to lie.